Random Thoughts on the East Bay

I'm almost ready to emerge from the summer cocoon I've woven here in California. I've got a lot to process after being in Oakland for a few months. I was not compelled to check out the queer scene in San Francisco, I'll admit. My heart was heavy after learning more about gentroqueers and the lack of representation of queer people of color (QPOC) in that particular part of the Bay. Though I know they are there! I saw some inspiring art happening - D'Lo's play, A QPOC art exhibit. I had my moments with the East Bay. Sometimes I loved Oakland, sometimes I just wanted to run from it. There is so much displacement. On the same main street where there were intoxicated and homeless people of color, there were white young people riding by seemingly carefree.  My first month in Oakland I wondered why I got screamed at almost daily on the street. Some friends of mine (brown folks) said that it's probably because I'm black and that kind of pulls me into what's going on. (I was staying in a mostly black part of town). I really think it's because of how I look and how I dress. I will never forget a drunken homeless man who stopped me and a group of friends to ask for some change. He harassed us and suddenly stopped in mid-sentence to say "Oh. you're a girl" to me. He got in my face and stared at me for an uncomfortable amount of time before we asked him to leave. I didn't expect my hats and ties, pants with zippers, and other men's clothing to be such a big deal. ( I guess certain parts of New York spoiled me). I slowly found out it was only in particular parts of town. I contemplated on if I should switch up my style and finally compromised with myself and wore what I wanted but only if I wasn't going to be hanging out where I would draw unwanted attention. I felt like a target.

After about a month, it wasn't as big a deal to me. I knew where I could go.  But it was unsettling to me that I'd actually compromised. Being read as female so much also left me feeling as if I'd gone back in time and had undone all the processing it had taken to get me where I am today.  I became so used to being referred to as "she" that on one fateful day I even used this pronoun for myself in my own thoughts!

I met some great queer activists but I was left wondering where all the genderqueers were. Every once in a while I'd get happy when I saw a transmasculine person or someone who was androgynous. When the Butch Voices conference came around and I got to meet some of the Brown Boi Project, I felt better. But I still felt really lonely once that was over. I just wanted a handful of folks to kick it with that got this particular part of my struggle. I used to feel that there was a lot of tension between transmasculine folks and butches, and I'm sure this still exists but Butch Voices and a lack of a trans/genderqueer community has made me think more. Masculine of Center folks should definitely be allies, no matter how they identify. We have a similar struggle. I recently came across a really hateful blog that seeks to create more tension between FTMs and butches. It also seeks to say that transfolks have no place within  radical feminist and lesbian communities. I've seen a lot of ridiculous ideologies under the guise of "radical" or "liberal" thought lately. When are we going to see that a lot of these homogenous spaces really just perpetuate that which it seeks to eradicate.

Also...Queer Job hunters out there...

I've been looking for employment and it has come to my attention that my resume has a lot of LGBT organizing on it. I remember when one of our faculty told me that I should take those experiences off...well, that's a lot of experience I won't get credit for. So far I've still been sending out my resume with this experience ( I'll admit that I've revised it quite a bit), but I've been thinking about how people might just not be calling me back because of my obvious tie to the queer community. As weird as this sounds, I'd like to think it's just that I'm not experienced enough...but lately I'm growing wary.

I've also been thinking about how it will be at the next job I take. Will I be able to go by they or he? Will I be safe being out? Though these are important questions to ask during an interview...they could also lead to me not getting the position. When I was fresh out of undergrad, these were issues but I opted to be in the closet until I got the opportunity to come out.  Luckily I worked with some great people who had no visible problem with me being out and eventually I was even able to adhere to the  men's dress codes and scrap the women's codes. Now I think about getting a position where I'll have to train or do a lot of public speaking and wonder if how I dress will a) affect the recruiter's decision to hire me and b) affect professional relationships with business partners, or employees of other organizations I might train, be in contact with,etc. Sure, I know that I should just "be me" and not care about all this but at the end of the day- I need to be employed. Do  you know the percentage of trans people who are unemployed or underemployed?

Here are some key findings on the National Transgender Discrimination Survey:
Transfolks face:

▪ Double the rate of unemployment: Survey respondents experience unemployment at twice the rate of 

the population as a whole. 

▪ Near universal harassment on the job: Ninety-seven percent (97%) of those surveyed reported 

experiencing harassment or mistreatment on the job. 

▪ Significant losses of jobs and careers: Forty-seven percent (47%) had experienced an adverse job outcome, 

such as being fired, not hired or denied a promotion. 

▪ High rates of poverty: Fifteen percent (15%) of transgender people in our sample lived on $10,000 per 

year or less–double the rate of the general population. 

▪ Significant housing instability: Nineteen percent (19%) of our sample have been or are homeless, 11% 

have faced eviction and 26% were forced to seek temporary space. 

 In a Maryland survey, 42% of trans people were unemployed, 31% make an annual survey less than $10,000 and 19% did not have their own living space.

There are few policies out there to end this kind of employment and housing discrimination.

So that's the deal.

But I feel like I can't go back in the closet. Not at a place where I spend the majority of my time. Maybe some of you are thinking that I should just get a job at an LGBT organization or LGBT-friendly employer. I've tried. Lots of them are underfunded, aren't exactly trans-friendly (??) and are not racially diverse (to put it nicely). We need more Allgos and Audre Lorde Projects and Brown Boi Projects. Sigh. Should I try to find a queer bubble to hide out in. Queer community,queer job, queer, queer, queer so that I can get treated equally. (Maybe). Or should I risk being uncomfortable, unsafe, or possibly even unemployed. I honestly don't know what would happen if I had to not be me 8 hours a day...40 hours a week...52 weeks a year minus vacations.

that is all.

Genderqueer Love

So maybe you're attracted to people outside of the gender binary. Maybe you're wondering how you go about loving a person who categorizes themself as genderqueer, gender non-conforming, transgender, transmasculine or transfeminine, agender, androgynous, bigendered, or perhaps no category at all. I wish it was as easy as just loving the person for who they are ...I really do. But I truly believe that the way that we have been conditioned in this society really informs our relationships and our interactions within romantic relationships, especially. When a lesbian wants to date a transman, many times there are expectations for the behavior of that transman. I have heard many times from transmen that they don't want to be seen as a butch lesbian or a stud by their lesbian or queer women partners. They are men. But many haven't been socialized as men all their lives, yet their habits are similar...so what does one do with that? It's difficult to navigate. All I ask for from my partner is that they acknowledge how I see myself and check their expectations for me. I haven't been socialized as a man, so much of our interactions will not be the same as you and your past boyfriend. I identified as a lesbian for 10 years so, in some ways I have been socialized as a lesbian. I understand that scene, even though I fit like a round peg in a square hole there now. I've spent some time thinking, fretting, and overanalyzing about this...

In some past relationships I didn't even bring the genderqueer thing up. I was processing it myself and whatever I mentioned was just shrugged off so as with most of my life I just kept a lot of things to myself. Or maybe I was just expecting my exes to "accept me for who I am"...that old queer motto. Because I was the "same" as I ever was. But...you know...that's really not true. As I've come to accept my identity and discovered more about myself through all those hidden facets of Me-ness that I had buried under some feigned sense of normalcy (and once queer- queeritude), I've come to realize that I have changed quite a bit. I'm not really sure that my exes could have handled who I am today...then. I couldn't.

All in all, I guess I'm tired of people using that "but you're the same person" line. I feel like it allows people not to acknowledge who you are becoming. It allows people to stay comfortable with who you were and never fully process the transition you have undergone. A while back, I would have welcomed this for friends and family in true protective fashion. I would have shielded them from my queerness and would have worried about just being accepted. I would have taken whatever bone anyone would have thrown me. And I guess you might say that at times I still do when it comes to pronouns. I realize that I'm living in this no-man's land and it's really hard to wrap your head around something you haven't seen. So I allow for the "ma'ams" and the "young ladies" in certain contexts. It still makes me feel torn and creates this state of dissatisfaction...unrest...because that's not who I am. I know I "look" like a Miss if you look hard enough and I know that sometimes people are just trying to be nice or dont' want to make a mistake. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that...strangers versus people who have known you for a significant amount of time versus people who met you at this particular point in your gender expression.

So I'm coming to terms with how to deal with that...and this genderqueer love. Do we genderqueers date those in the LGB who fetishize us? Are we relegated only to each other? Do we get into relationships full of teaching moments, false hopes, and expectations? Is there queer relationship counseling including therapy on gender expression? Sigh. Just like the majority of queers- I want to be seen for who I am now, not who partners wish I was...or remember me as...or wrongly think I am because so and so who is masculine of center or FTM is that way.

Hi, I'm Toi...have we met?

I think that what it comes down to is actually talking about these things up front, which is hard to do. Gender can be fluid just like sexuality. Maybe it's important to have check-ins periodically (what? did I just say that. Is this a performance evaluation?). Not to "keep track" but to stay in touch with who both are becoming. My ideal partner shares this struggle with me and is cognizant of the way I decide to move through certain spaces. Damn, that's a hard gig and it doesn't pay much. But I am willing to do it for them, too. I realize it's really difficult to be that person on the other end. How does the relationship not become about the transition or the trials and tribulations of one person's experience over another. How can both involved learn to respect and appreciate each other and free themselves of all these expectations and falsitudes? We're up against a lot, aren't we? From internalized homophobia, the way we may be treated by  society, evolving identity, and then after all this we're expected to be decent partners. Why aren't there more than a handful of books on this? And don't say that the books from straight or lesbian or gay relationships applies...the dynamics are really, really different, in my opinion. More on this later...still processing solutions...

On Being Bilingual

Ok. So I started to write this blog the other day on Cis supremacy in the LGBT movement and community during my short stay in Austin and never really got around to finishing or posting it because...well, I have a lot to say on it and it's not ready to be hatched... But...I will write a little bit about my frustrations with being an academic and an organizer. This is what I mean by being "bilingual" today. I speak the languages of both academia and the community. (Still working on fluency).A lot of times there are no "roots" to help translate. I'm fairly sure that there isn't anything equivalent to Latin that can provide some sort of shortcut to speaking or understanding both....besides our basic humanity.

It's difficult to be so very committed to the idea of what an education is...what education means when my eyes are open to other types of knowledge that are not given much legitimacy in the halls of higher ed. Sometimes I get caught up in believing that that degree that costs tens or hundreds of thousands is really all they market it to be. No matter how inapplicable many of those credits are. I fight internally against these elitist notions that have clouded my thoughts and peppered my vocabulary with a tinge of inaccessibility that just "comes with the territory." How else could academics relate to academics? Give lofty lectures and write and present on stuffy old papers? With each new phrase or label I can feel myself stepping further from my community and I ask myself...does it really have to be this way?

Me- the person who used to make trainings and curriculum for doctors about the importance of "plain language"...now I'm battling with myself not to write from such a distance. And also not to make assumptions about anyone that they will not understand the terminology I've been co-opted into using in this vanilla...oops...ivory tower. I don't know about speaking this whole other language. This academic-speak. I know...it happens and I need it to move through the rooms of the tower and be taken seriously. Or something.  Without their idea of a good command of the English language I might be seen as *gasp* low brow. Without some kind of assimilation and acculturation...I could never fit in. I could never be heard past the first few sentences. Hm. Or maybe this is just an illusion. If so, many of my peers of color have confided in me that they feel the same...must be a mirage we're seeing.

On accessibility- yes, I believe it's important for everyone to be educated but...what is educated? Who determines what it means to be educated and what a good school is? Or even...what is considered a school.
I have a hard time reconciling within myself my wanting to support better access to more affordable colleges when the educational system at times continues this cycle that creates its own superstars to serve the  system...use its research...create vocabulary for its own use. And further perpetuates this type of knowledge as a means to education for education's sake. I'm just sayin'.

The academy is exclusive and began on that premise. Communities have fought to make it more inclusive so that we can have better opportunities...but I wonder now if those of us who support free schools, democratic schools, skillshares, and other ways of sharing local knowledge should be focusing our efforts more on creating another type of system instead of trying to fix a system that is fundamentally flawed in many, many ways- from it being exclusive and inaccessible to its limited application. From its skewed views on history and culture to its overemphasis on theory. Can it be overhauled or will we replace a dilapidated structure with a more viable one not built on what a group of old western white men (and later women) thought of as enlightenment and a "good" education. I mean, c'mon...we've seen the various ways that a monoculture has limited advancement of different fields and subjects from the sciences to art and philosophy.

So college...I love the environment. I love the spontaneous conversations that erupt on campuses. I love the access to thousands of books, classes and workshops. But I can see how this world might look to someone who doesn't value what these institutions have trained us to value. Just the other day I was talking with someone about the many ways that information/knowledge can be conveyed and how the written word in itself makes things inaccessible to people who have limited english proficiency or who are illiterate (we were speaking about Zines). These people are thought of as uneducated. They've lived  life where they've had to come up with creative ways to live in this world where the written word and English are the gold standard of communication. Imagine their world. Is their a bridge to both worlds? Am I standing on it? Am I quickly crossing to some side? Biding my time on the fringes of one or the other...looking co-optation square in the eye? Will I surrender to both/and ?Either/or?

For now I aim to be well-versed in both. To use all that I've learned in academia as a tool to create change in our community by working for civil rights for all and working toward a society that is inclusive of all its members and understanding of its history and the social movements comprising it.

Only tell me of the possibilities, please...

Many times in our activism and organizing it is really easy to get bogged down with "the Struggle." We begin to focus on our cause in way that perpetuates and sometimes even recreates it. When anti-oppression work becomes our life...sometimes our "lens" becomes clouded with seeing all the things we fight for in every single situation. Now, there's nothing wrong with being aware. Today what I'm thinking about...after writing about this type of work, and allies, and sustainable activism...is this missing and very important piece- and that is how are we coming together? So many times we come together over what is wrong. Do we ever focus on what is right? Possibilities? And I don't mean pipe dreams. I mean a focus on how our communities could and should look. Do we get together and have groups about what is right with our communities? Lots of times when radicals and organizers,etc. come together it is largely reactive (because of some situation that has arisen) or to party (and it's ok to blow off steam and celebrate). 


How do we keep doing this work and not get bitter or jaded. Not have our outlook colored by the barriers we face day in and day out in work and outside of work. How can we encourage others when we're not getting a lot of encouragement ourselves? An important Zen proverb I stumbled across on a breakroom wall when I was an AmeriCorps Vista said,


 "Student says "I am very discouraged. What should I do?"
 Master says, "encourage others."


This proverb is born out of the idea that when we are at our lowest, if we encourage someone, this will provide the encouragement we have been needing ourselves. As organizers, activists, and advocates we might very often feel defeated and feel like we have no words to uplift others...but, if we dig deep within, all we need do is think of the words that we would like to hear at this very moment. This propels us forward and makes us realize that we are stronger than we thought and can continue on. 


 This is what our communities need. Lots of times they already know about all the negative things that are present in their neighborhood. They need to know what is positive,too. We all need to have reasons to go on ...to keep, keepin' on. And this starts with us. The organizers...the activists....the advocates. We need to come together and support each other. Dialogue through differences, dialogue about solutions for systemic problems, organize together. We need to help each other see that we are not alone. Our causes do not stand alone. They are intricately interwoven and if we can address the root of these causes TOGETHER then everything we do from that point on will be sustainable. When we try to address things alone, it is easy for things to feel impossible. For instance, the civil rights movement. If Dr. King had set out on his march alone- well, we'd probably be still using separate water fountains. If Gandhi had practiced ahimsa alone and had not bothered to tell anyone, India might have still gotten its independence but the process would have been very different. Perhaps there would have been even more bloodshed.


So, people need to hear the possibilities for a better community. And not just that "it gets better." That's hard to see if you are living in an area where police brutality reigns supreme and drugs and violence are part of your daily existence. At the core of all of this inequality, oppression, and disparity I feel that the issue is very straightforward. We don't value one another in this society and "our" American values and economic model are to blame. From beliefs such as "every man for himself" and our ideas that in this country there exists a meritocracy in which everyone can achieve anything if they only TRY harder. That we get what we deserve and what we're worth. And the culmination or maybe the driving force behind "our" American values and beliefs...the American dream...which is basically getting all that you can (economically) for you and your family (at times, at the expense of everyone else). We have seen where this thinking gets us. An inflated self-importance gets us nowhere. Movements happen because people come together. Solidarity is not just about people coming together who share causes...it's about looking deep into these causes and seeing that there is a common goal. Seeing that our causes are inter-related. We need to organize around that. 


We also need to organize around TRUE equality and a dismantling of this ridiculous hierarchy of power based on race and wealth. We need to organize around the fact that although it says in our constitution that all men are created equal in this country- that obviously, just in the language itself, and in the ideology of our " founding fathers" that this was flawed at the very beginning. Brown people weren't "men"...women weren't "men"...and equality did not have the meaning it has today. And in my honest opinion--equality still brings up issues because it is a relationship built on power. An example-
if two people are "equal" it means they have an "equal" amount of power...when will we get away from that? Will we always be fighting for a balance of power or will we uproot this whole notion...move past this feigned notion of "equality" (which usually at some point gets tainted with color-/gender-/ability-/sexuality-blindness and forces many to assimilate and acculturate) and move on to something real. Sigh. More on this some other time... 


In this country we already know that it's diverse, but is it inclusive? While working for the Office of Diversity and Community Outreach at a family of hospitals, I begin to see the difference between these two and how organizations completely disregard the need for both. Also in my organizing I've seen this happen - especially in radical circles that are not inclusive of queer people or people of color...or the LGBT community that is not inclusive of genderqueers or people of color... and we could go on and on. What good is diversity if  sub-groups within groups continue to be marginalized and have no voice? How can a group or organization actually benefit from these diverse perspectives if voices other than the dominant voice are not valued? And how can movements advance without these perspectives? How can creative solutions come from groups or organizations that are culturally (and environmentally) homogeneous?


Now apply this to our neighborhoods and our communities...


Now apply this to our states....


Now apply this to our country. 


Hmph. OUR country. We have to stop believing the hype...that this country belongs to someone else. It's ours. It belonged to many strong groups of People that were decimated and relegated to tiny plots of land "out of the way" of the colonizers. Yes. This is true. And now we have got to take ownership. We have got to take ownership on every level. On a personal level (of our actions and interactions), on a community level, on a state level, and at the larger national level. If we want programs that assist us, safe communities, affordable health care, affordable education, immigrant rights and fairer labor laws-- we have to come together. If we want our country to stop trying to "democratize" the world and impose "our" way of governing and values onto others, we've got to come together. If we would like to see the end of this Amerocentric (well Western, in general) view that we can just parachute into places and occupy and kill and whatever else we're doing in so many places in the world under the pretense of "helping people" and "democracy"- we have to come together and speak up and not feel defeated as individuals...or that we can do nothing. That's it's all out of our hands and beyond our power. It's completely true that we can't do this by ourself and that we should stop trying to. But we have to realize that there are tens of thousands of people who want what we want...that have a vision of the possibilities...that see the good. And if you don't...can't...won't... 
We should talk.

Oppression and Organizing Against Obliviousness

So,


I'm not going to lie. I am feeling extra-angsty right now after reading multiple articles about people using racial slurs, anti-gay slurs, and a lesbian and her mother being killed by her partner's father in Austin. I have to also say that I just did a needs assessment for a non-profit addressing discrimination and the importance of diversity trainings....sat in on a talk by Grace Lee Boggs (an organizer for the past 70 years, author of The Next American Revolution and co-founder of the Boggs Center), went to a radical book fair and sat in on a discussion about solidarity networking, and the list goes on and on for the past couple of weeks. So needless to say I am primed for a discussion on oppression...organizing...and obliviousness.


First and foremost...let's address oppression and its many forms. Because I really think that people don't know that it's not always overt. Oppression (my makeshift definition) is that lack of power...that sense of hopelessness because of that lack of power...the inability to "succeed" or sometimes even survive or cope... or that sense of having to overcome an invisible barrier that is inevitably linked to your powerlessness and another person/group/organization/system's powerfulness. When we are oppressed it is because our own well-being....our livelihood is not in our hands. We no longer are autonomous (if we ever were in the first place). We can't do for ourselves. And our self-dignity is not preserved. 


In this country there is this feigned and unwritten rule that EVERYONE can do for themselves. This sense of meritocracy..which I coin, Ameritocracy. Everyone gets what they deserve if they work hard enough. Everyone has the tools to overcome their challenges and at least be middle class. Everyone has access to everything if they only try hard enough. That is what this country sells to us and other places around the globe. Globalization-- the exportation of our warped economy and, with it, western ideals, values or lack thereof are an outgrowth of our confidence in how this country (and western countries) think and are run. 


But wait! Obviously we don't all buy into this...there are people who know that this is complete and utter b*s*, right? Why don't they say something? Hmm...let's dissect this quickly. Who has voice in this country? Not the poor...not immigrants...not most people of color....let's just say that the "marginalized" have no say. So, basically there are these allies who are these rich, liberal artsy/progressive- type people connected to the upper echelons of society who can at any point decide whether or not our oppression is a "good cause." Great.Allies.


Then there are these lobbyists and policymakers who basically operate in the same manner but with much more power to create legislation who can address our oppression...if and when they so choose (you know, if they can a)fit it in their schedule b)get some votes by pulling some rich people heart strings). sidenote: no I am not demonizing the rich...I'm just saying that a lot of wealty people's interests are not in line with those of the poor ---obviously. 


So back to this voice thing...yea, we (and by we I mean the majority of people) don't have one. And the principles and values of this country are not necessarily the voice of the actual majority. In this country where we assimilate into the thinking patterns and value systems of an elite minority...it's easy to not wear our oppression on our sleeves and to buy into this whole "i'm middle class" thing and be spoon fed that we are equal. *Shrugs. The media says so...our politicians say so...oh wait! Some of us live in overwhelming poverty, have no jobs or healthcare,etc. Whoops! Let's just...let's just move on past that population shall we..


.nothing to see there...


So obliviousness. It comes in so many forms doesn't it? There's the blatant kind where a person or group of people is just not informed or educated on the issues...then there's people who misinterpret the issue. And eople who conflate the issue. And people who don't want to think about the issue because it's too hard, too close to home, or they actually don't believe it exists because they have never experienced it. Then there's the stealth obliviousness where a person truly thinks that they are addressing oppression in some way when they are really perpetuating it...and are oblivious to that. Then there's when people use hate speech or language that perpetuates oppression and fail to see the connection to larger systemic oppression and how it perpetuates itself within us. Then there's the all-in-all obliviousness to who we are as an individual and our actual place in this society which honestly is in some way no fault of our own since we are expected to not really care about this and work our fingers to the bone and into an early grave. (told you I was feeling angsty,folks). 


Yes so it's complicated. Don't you fret. I will talk about solutions in a bit. Let me finish opening up the last bit of this can of worms...


So organizing...you know, organizers sometimes get a bad rap. Why are we raising all this awareness? Why do we want people to be conscious? Why can't we just let people sleep under their nice warm blanket of obliviousness? Stop speaking out. Bite our tongues. Stop agitating. To this I say...isn't there enough silence? Like Audre Lorde said..."Your silence will not protect you." People think that in not saying things, that this will cease their existence or at least keep them from thinking about it. But...hello...yeah hi...this is oppression. It is constant.  We feel it daily. Trudging on through it is an antiquated notion from colonialism. We aren't chattel anymore, we've gotten a promotion from pack mule to cog. (At least some of us, anyway). 


A lot of times we feel really isolated in our oppression...even if we know it's because of an identity group that we belong to, are associated with, or involuntarily labeled as. When individuals come together to talk about their problems outside of work,etc. this is powerful. It is even more powerful when "critical mass" is formed--tens, hundreds of people realizing their marginalazation or oppression due to x,y,z and strategizing and coming up with solutions for how to alleviate and ameliorate this unwarranted foot on their neck.


 So, why did you want silence again? Why are organizers bad? Oh...because they don't want what the upper 1% (economically) who control the wealth of this nation want. I can understand. I see how your goals, aspirations, and values align with them. Naturally. So when they bail out banks, cut our social services (because...who needs those when we've got yachts and vacation spots to tend to), and such...we completely and utterly understand. Right? Lowering taxes for the upper tenth or whatever percent is in our best interest! (saying with those little cartoon hypnotized swirlees in my eyes) Can someone please snip these strings on my arms....and, I guarantee you that my nose is not growing.


The Truth is painful...and people with power don't want it out there. It's easy not to believe all this anyway. We just want to be happy. We just want to raise our families and be left alone. If they tell us not to think or to keep it down-why can't we just do that...? Hey, I don't blame those who do...I just don't think they should have the right to complain ...or the right to use their silence to oppress others by attacking them for knowing the truth and trying to organize to end the perpetuation of discrimination and oppression. 


Yea...you know the type. Well here's one of the types: They usually make a little more money than you, laud their education over you or pretend to be highly versed and educated on matters...and accuse you of being radical and your ideas dangerous...because you see...they are playing the game and have bought into the system. They are sentinel assimilationists who have been indoctrinated and hired on (subconsciously) to be a Yes man/woman. When you say no...they are the ones who systematically (as if second-nature) push you to the margins of whatever group or society you are in...so that they can go on climbing that 3 rung latter (never seeing that there are 10 more rungs that are inaccessible). As long as they are above you (even if this is a guise)...that's all that matters. AHhh maybe I"m getting to matrix-y and post-apocolyptic or whatever the genre may be...


Sigh. Gatekeepers. True story.


But deep down you already knew and saw this. Most oppressed people have. It's this understood and unspoken Truth. We don't need to go to workshops on this. We don't need to be educated in some classroom on this, we live it every.single. day. We need an advanced course or something. This isn't new and frankly we're tired of talking about it. So tired...we don't even want to organize against it because a)we have and we're burnt out b)we are and we're burnt out c)we have a family to raise and can't take up the cause or d)it just plain hurts.


Grace Lee Boggs spoke about the civil rights movement. The differences in the ideology of Malcom's "By any means necessary" and Martin's "non-violence" - she said that she was always looking for a middle ground. She also said that we can't expect to "go back" to these models and re-create them here and now. The political climate is different, the culture of this country is different. There were a number of events that led up to what became the civil rights movement, and other movements that she had been involved in. Usually there's political unrest, an economic downturn, increased marginalization, public outcry, hopelessness,etc. People have to organize. It has to happen if we want change, folks. 


Grace talked a lot about love being a basic principal in organizing and creating movements. (Sidenote:Even she had been skeptical about Martin's message at first).
Hmph. Allowing ourselves to go on being uneducated, unaware, and downright oblivious is not what I call being loving. I know that we as a People have not lost the capacity to love...it just feels like loving our communities, our society has become more and more difficult. But we do it...especially in communities of color. As much as we are pitted against each other economically---along class lines---we come together on many issues. And it's out of love.


 Organizing - bringing people together from multiple socioeconomic backgrounds to unite and accomplish a single goal --> the end of oppression along multiple fronts...how is this rabblerousing? Having dialogue to understand each other and supporting one another through this economic downturn, pooling our resources so that we can ALL survive the crash of our economy...how is this bad? Capitalists want to call us communists and socialists because we want to survive their botched and dysfunctional system. I see a problem with that. It's about time they were held accountable. About time their inflated rhetoric was brought down to size. Most of us brown people, people of color...operate in a way that people in our community support each other---it is part of our heritage-->not part of the eastern bloc. Not related to Stalin or Russia.  And even other western countries have social programs that take care of their citizens...we are the only country who expects our citizens to fend for themselves...vetting Big Business, Big Pharma, and insurance companies against little Joe Schmoe...because it's good for the economy folks! Um. yeah.


Let's get back to love. So mushy, warm and fuzzy...gross, yuck! Love never solves anything! I encourage you to tell me a time when violence and war did. Name a movement that happened and created sustainable social change from violence. Now think back to all movements that created some form of change and how they were built and sustained or why they were not sustained. Think on that...


This morning I've been mulling over a lot. I have to constantly remind myself as an activist and as a student that ...I need to not get carried away with multiple fronts of oppression. That I can't speak out against every single issue...but yet I need to realize that it's not an excuse to not speak out, not to organize. It's a call to action to figure out how to do it more efficiently...and I think that's why I was drawn to diversity and anti-oppression education. 


You know, I was thinking this morning that with so many atrocities going on in this world and in our country alone, that it's so hard to focus and care about academics...
you know...my buying into this whole " a degree makes your views more valuable in this society" thing...But I've since checked myself...and realize that in focusing on my studies...that IS one way that I'm combating oppression. It's in every single one of my academic papers. It's in every discussion point I bring up in class...I am a part of creating awareness and obliterating obliviousness. I live my life in this way- every single day. Now, that might seem tiring...and you know what, sometimes it can be...but I have an obligation to myself, my family, my community to not go on being silent. To speak out when I know that something is wrong. To organize when I have the capacity, the tools, and the awareness. Not speaking out means death on so many levels for me. That's a whole other blog that I can't wait to write...


I encourage everyone to really think about silence and awareness. Ways of organizing that are both overt and covert. Subversive and in your face. We can't all picket and protest- I'm aware of that. We can't all come to community meetings....I'm aware of that. But, how then can we go out into our jobs and communities and create change bit by bit...how can we be more intentional about it? How can we create the communities we wish to see...and then the policies we wish to see...and then the society we wish to see? Can this be done with love as opposed to violence? Can we end oppression? Grace Lee Boggs says that we have to be able to conceive of this first...and I say that we've all got to get on the same page and educate each other both on our oppression and the oppression of others and how we can overcome systemic and individual oppression by organizing against it. Grace also said that we can't just be "against" everything...we've got to be for things...I agree. I am for a more inclusive and accepting society in which we all have equal rights and respected cultures and identities, I am not just anti-racist/homophobia/classist/ableist/sexism,etc. 


sigh. so much food for thought. I've got to go ponder. And write papers...about oppression...


That is all.

Discovering our ability to Heal Ourselves after Invisibility, Voicelessness or Confrontation with the Medical Establishment (and in our Lives, in general)

So,


In these past few weeks, nay, months- I have been encountering challenge after challenge with my lupus symptoms. The disease has a funny way of manifesting in different or all parts of your body sporadically. One day you are fine, the next day you have limited mobility. One day your energy is at an all time high, the next day you can barely get out of bed. My newest symptom is sharp pain in my left foot that doesn't allow me to walk without hobbling. In NYC, I feel like a lame duck, a pariah. There is no sympathy for the disabled. No one tries to help me with my bags- in fact, I am inevitably whisked by with aggravated grunts. If they could step on my foot to get one second added to their commute time, I am almost certain that "some" people would. It is frustrating to have bus drivers tell me that I had plenty of time to get off the bus and to have to divulge that "I have limited mobility" which is met with a grunt...and then backtracking moments later. They want to know why my pain is not more visible. Why don't I have some wheelchair or cane or something. Well, because my wrists are affected alongside my feet...and it can last for hours, days, weeks...I never really know until I open my eyes in the morning. The cage of pain- I like to call it. When I wake up feeling a huge weight around me...intense pain--like I can't move. I remember this cage well---back in 2005 when I was depressed with my job, my relationship, and life in general. Sometimes I just could not get up...Black Pain by Terrie Williams addresses this and the mask we as African-Americans wear to cover all the internal, emotional pain. We don't know what it's called she says--we don't have time for it, my own mom has said to me. Williams says that depression is a "white woman's" disease to communities of color. Hm. Noted. I used to buy into that whole idea of communities of color buying into this whole martyrdom thing. It's an actual theory you know...but as I do research for my independent study on perceptions of pain, autoimmune disorders Lupus and Fibromyalgia and the perpetuation of the pain cycle due to the perceptions of the medical establishment and community members, I see that there is something else more substantial than just being masochistic or seeing ourselves as some sacrificial lamb.


Yes. I said it. It has been expected of us since we were slaves, crossed borders as immigrants, refugees, etc. Our ancestors were denied their humanity and in this, they were also denied their experience of pain. Chattel don't feel pain. They are inhuman. Strong pack mules who serve their purpose and then are discarded. We internalized this and--Williams says that this is passed down throughout generations creating this cycle of how we view ourselves and our pain. Do we think we deserve it deep down? Is it something we just have to deal with...like those slaves who picked cotton and were lashed at or those house negroes who expected to be raped night after night by the master...or those immigrants breathing in pesticides daily as they tend someone else's crops, provide food for others when they barely have enough to subsist.


How does this tie into illness you ask? Debra Walker King, another phenomenal author, talks about the tripartite---mind,body, soul. This sense of wholeness. When we are wounded...when our souls are wounded- this wound manifests in our body and our mind and as Williams noted, it is passed down from grandparents, parents,etc. These wounds are inherited. So...now you understand why I might get a little upset when white folks tell us that slavery happened over 400 years ago and we need to "get over it" or when they call brown people "welfare queens" or say we need to "pull ourselves up by our boot straps." What if we never got a pair?


Is it any coincidence that women of color (and more disproportionately and specifically, black women) have the highest incidences of autoimmune disorders that are associated with chronic pain (for example, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, etc.) And thinking back to the history of the inaudibility of women's voices and the intersections of race and gender and the implications of how silence and silent pain manifests itself---does one have any doubt that it plays some role? Physicians are predominantly white. The health care system is set up for who? Who goes unheard? Who stops going to the clinics because of this? Who experiences the most disparities? The most fatalities due to going in "too late"? The book Medical Apartheid addresses the roots of mistrust within the black community of the medical establishment. And it has a focus on the egregious violations of medical researchers against black bodies. It goes much farther than Tuskegee, folks. From gynecological experiments, to genocide, to viewing those infected with tuberculosis and HIV as criminals--and black and brown bodies being seen as pathogenic to white,innocent, pure, healthy bodies.


 To say that we are in a post-racial society after all the endemic implications of racism perpetuated for hundreds maybe even thousands of years is ridiculous and beyond naive. Just because we want something to be so...doesn't make it so. Just because the Civil Rights Movement happened, doesn't mean racism or xenophobia or any other oppression was eradicated. Paradigm shifts are needed...a shift in consciousness is needed both in white folks and people of color. We have to stop perpetuating this and this cessation comes from addressing internalized oppression and the way it manifests itself. Health disparities are a manifestation of oppression...both internal and imposed on us by others. We feel that because we are people of color that we just don't get the same type of access. It's unfair- but what can we do about it? The government helps us, right? Medicaid and Medicare...which are far harder to access than society would lead us to believe especially if we live in states like Texas who don't want the federal government involved in any of their affairs. But let's move on....for now.


In my own journey...discovering the ability to heal myself after years of invisibility, voicelessness and confrontation in the health care setting has been both frustrating and empowering. Disheartening and Inspiring. It is no coincidence that the moment I started to learn about my heritage and the ways of my ancestors and who they really were, that I started to heal in many aspects of my being. It all goes together. If we don't know our roots...if we don't respect that tree...those people before us...if we pick at the branches and leaves but don't examine the roots--- I ask you, how far will we get? 


Assimilation is making us ill. Acculturation is making us sick. The denial of the existence of brown bodies in white spaces is giving us high blood pressure....the microaggressions (See articles/books from  Dr.Derald Wing Sue) that people of color face multiple times daily are killing us inside, literally. Of course our minds aren't right- so our neighborhoods aren't right-- so the messages in our music are at times degrading and we seek self-worth from our clothing, jewelry and cars,houses. We are trying to find our worth...and seeking happiness because we are unhappy and sick. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. So when our body ...our limbs, muscles, joints just won't work anymore and that white physician looks at us dead in our eye and says it's "growing pains" or that it's "normal" --doubting what we are feeling day to day, not only does it play into the denial of our voice, existence in so many other white spaces and our perceptions of Self and others in our community, etc...but it also contributes to our silence, our not showing up to appointments...our hidden despair and our mask of being a superhero. (See "Black Pain" for more on this mask).


On being a superhero...My father maintains that there is a reason that Africans were used as slaves. He says they were strong, intelligent, healers. They were viewed as a "superior product".  I've been processing that as I've been trying to write a poem called "airplane" which talks about white people's "entitlement" to climb over and above since they view themselves as having "less baggage"...you know...better communities, education, medicine- you name it. He wanted me to tell the WHOLE story. To talk about co-optation of our culture and envy of who we are as a people. Also, I've been watching documentaries like Afro-punk and Electric Purgatory and it has cemented that knowledge about how our music was co-opted. Blues, Jazz, Rock, Punk...stolen from us. Now- I believe that art should be shared and we should learn from each other--but that's not what happened with black music. It wasn't credited and it was bastardized and thrown back in our face for a profit. Black musicians lost legitimacy and the music became inauthentic and hollow. Also, black and brown people's history has been handed to us for centuries by white colonizers and we are expected to smile and say "please and thank you" (see my poem "Intentions"). Then when we gain some knowledge *true knowledge* we are called angry and ungrateful. And at worst, we are called bad historians who are making things up because we are inferior beings and want to be white. Well if that's not the projection of the century, nay, millenium. 


Ok, ok I'm getting off my metaphorical horse...in a second, in a second. So- healing ourselves is empowering and has been since the beginning of time. Especially for brown folks- you know, people of color. We respected the earth. Treated ourselves holistically. Didn't slaughter meat for the sake of greed and profit. Paid attention to our emotional, physical and spiritual health and saw this all as a union. As a whole. You see how everything we do now is the antithesis of who we *were* as a People? Of course we're sick. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Our ancestors weren't overworked until they were expected to adhere to the world of the white man. To mold our perceptions, concepts, and worldview to that of his. An example of this is time...and time management. Every single person of color, no matter what their ethnicity, has the concept of "color people time" or CPT. Isn't it odd that we outnumber white people yet our concept of time is in the "minority"? Well, because they run the businesses, the hospitals, our liiiives. Mhm. I see. What we eat-- is what white men deem nutritious or maybe not even that--let's go with satisfying. Certain diets- are for white people. True story. The medicines that they give us that make us sick...the research they do on diseases---are done predominantly on white people. I could go on and on...write a series of books on this- but they already exist. The knowledge is out there. The question is...what do we do with this knowledge? How do we empower ourselves and come together to say enough is enough? How do we get back to our roots and heal ourselves of these disorders and stop listening to the erroneous information that is clearly not for "us". How do we acknowledge this emotional and physical pain that we've been trained not to for so long? How do we eradicate this inherited pain and self-hatred? We can't do it alone- that's dangerous.  We need the whole community to be aware so the cycle STOPS. 


And most of all we need our white allies to be actual allies who continuously acknowledge their privilege and strive to check it daily. We need our white allies not to co-opt our status, occupy our spaces and judge who is a worthy person of color due to actions taken or perceived not to be taken toward the obliteration of internal and external oppression on our parts. We need our allies not to use labels like "liberal" and "progressive" and turn around and perpetuate hatred and oppression under the guise of "good intentions." We need white allies to understand that being an ally is not a one-time badge...but a life-long process. We must all come to an understanding. Black folk, brown folk, white folk---folks! Our experiences are NOT the same...Color-blindness = assimilation and is an excuse not to recognize cultural differences. It's a type of microaggression. Racial microaggressions are subtle and happen daily--especially in the medical setting. Sure, being told I am loud on the train or the denial of my existence in predominantly white spaces in Westchester county is an annoyance---but physican's assuming I have sickle cell anemia and misdiagnosing my lupus and thalassemia for three+ years, or assuming that I am not in as much pain as I say I am and that I am drugseeking because I am "black" is a serious,serious problem. It took the white female director of my program asking for pain meds at a doctor's appointment with me before I actually got a prescription. !!! Yea. Denying me the best care because of your internal racism, rampant assumptions and biases and unchecked privilege is not..."o.k." Just because a physician or medical social worker thinks they can leave their biases at the door before they enter work does not mean that this happens. It is highly illogical...


Back to my allopathic healing or lack thereof- Anti-malarial drugs and chemotherapy drugs to "manage" not cure my lupus symptoms are ridiculous. They want to suppress my immune system and kill my cells not even to heal me? To not even address the root cause? Which inevitably is tied to environmental pollution and stress of being a queer, brown (seen as only black) person in a white world??? Get out of here.


That is all.
There's Hope- India Arie

Throwing Stones at the windows of the Ivory Tower (and bringing knowledge to the People for $Free.99)

So most of us already know how exclusionary and exclusive academics can be. The rise of the piece of paper..I mean...degree or diploma and its importance to our very existence in the economic sector...or whatever. The way that we are denied a chance to thrive because of our lack of this credential...or whatever. No- I'm not saying that we need that piece of paper. I'm just saying that without it-- it sure is hard to be "middle class." No matter what the majority of Americans think they are. If you are struggling from paycheck to paycheck and in debt up to your eyeballs and trying to keep up a veneer to keep up with the Joneses then, baby, you ain't middle class. You know, I've been thinking a lot about education and how it can exclude you from your community. Especially if you come from a black community or a mixed community of, say, latinos, whites, blacks, and asians. As soon as you get to high school it's like you start working your way out of the community with your good grades. Athleticism is fine. You know, us people of color are expected to be track stars and football stars and basketball stars. In my little po-dunk town, brown people were held to the lowest of expectations when it came to academics. White teachers were shocked and surprised when I could form a coherent sentence and knew how to read way before elementary school. Yea, I have a lot of ideas on that --now that I've processed my educational experience. I used to think that they thought I was intelligent and never really read into it. Now I think they were patronizing. I think that their shock wasn't how I read it at all. They were proud of me for being brown and having a brain---not like the other brown people. Ugh. Process that. No wonder brown people hated me. Why did I get attention? I didn't want the attention. In fact, I was bored in class and talked and made animal noises and started food fights in biology labs. I had a permanent seat outside of most of my classes. They tolerated me, though. They knew that come test time I'd get an A. That was a jerk move I did---disrupting others who might have needed those boring lectures. But..well, on the other hand I kept them entertained and helped them with their homework and papers if they needed it. Hell, I even wrote papers for people if they paid me $15. Yep...that's right. I was a hustler. Nay, hustla. My mom always wondered how I had money...I wrote papers for people. $10 for a B, $15 for an A. Psshhh academic integrity--whatever. They were feeding us bullsh* in MISD. Where was THEIR integrity?

Which brings me back to the discussion at hand. Elitism---academia. There have been many movements to bring knowledge to the people for free. Now this knowledge is intermingled with what is called "local knowledge," (That knowledge from the community that comes from elders and members of expertise--or who just know sh*!! Pardon my language).  You know- I am a firm believer that any knowledge should be accessible. Academic, Spiritual...whatever. There should be no policing or gatekeeping. A person is going to do with it what they can. And you should NOT be charging for it. So academic institutions will say, but we have overhead---we have to pay these teachers, run this school. Psh whatever. Our ancestors did that stuff for free. They bartered. Traded sheep and let people use their land, or exchanged other resources. We need to go back to that. I am down wholeheartedly with the skillshares that have been happening throughout NYC, California, and Texas. The Free Skools that I see popping up in metropolitan cities with numerous universities. Academics and organizers who are coming together to bring knowledge to the people...

Who? What? Where? You say...
Well, there's The Free Skool in Austin. Here in New York City-at my very own (soon to be) alma mater Sarah Lawrence there are free classes given to staff and our food delivery workers,etc. There are also the skillshares done by Quorum and the Audre Lorde Project. There are also schools like this located across the nation and in other countries, see Chiapas, Mexico's school for the indigenous community.

I want a part in the passing around of both local and academic knowledge. It has been exclusionary for long enough.  More on this later...I just wanted to get this posted since it's been sitting in my "Edit Posts" section for a couple weeks now!