I'm not doing this for my health

Growing up, my mom would use this phrase frequently as a sarcastic comment when she'd do something and we wouldn't notice or understand why she'd done it or if we accidentally went against an action she'd done.

Let's take an example...

Scenario: mom is folding clothes. Someone rifles through the clothes when she walks off and leaves some of the once folded clothes unfolded...”Hey, what do you think...I'm doing this for my health?”

In thinking about this phrase, I automatically started to ponder on organizing with queer and POC communities. As we all know, this work is stressful and a lot of times thankless. There are folks who don't understand why we put the time and effort into building bridges, anti-oppression work, and forming coalitions. Obviously we don't just do this work for our health- though some seem to think so.

I don't really enjoy being the token. I don't take delight in educating folks who'd rather stay in the dark or keep with their misconceptions. I don't wake up and suit up for a new day of anti-racist and anti-homo/transphobic vigilance. Well, I do- but not because I want to.

It's because I have to. Need to.

Some folks in our community are single-handedly destroying the hard work of hundreds, thousands in our movement to uplift and advance our people. Some are artists, some are our own community members, some are politicians, some are bigots, some are just oblivious. Some have no idea the lives that have been lost, the blood that has been shed, or the countless hours of sleep lost. The burden beared for the sake of just a sliver of freedom- and I dare not call it liberation. We can't have liberation with 80% of our community's mind enslaved.

Some of us organizers, activists, advocates, educators, and social workers are seriously withering away inside because of being so burnt out from this work. Consistently re-doing the undoing of our movement. So many are tired and jaded. So many have given up and left the movement.

Clearly we're not doing this for our health. Fighting oppression, joining the struggle, advancing a People daily is definitely not akin to an apple a day. Taking on toxicity, eradicating -isms that run rampant and are interwoven in our societal fabric certainly can't be a multivitamin.

And people always say to us- why are you doing this? Why can't you just worry about your own family? You should only look after yourself. You are born alone and die alone. But that sounds unhealthier to me than acknowledging the interconnectedness of our communities and doing something about the sickness and destruction in them. Once you are awakened to systematic/systemic oppression- there is no going back to sleep.

Paulo Freire said-

"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. "

If you withhold information, live in denial, refuse to be educated- it is the same as working against those who are trying to build together. I realize that POC are heavily burdened and cannot give much of their time to organizing. But the civil rights movement still happened despite day jobs and families. What's different now? I venture to say that the only thing that's different now is that POC are not as willing to see interconnections and are not as invested in their communities or the movement. They deem the civil rights movement complete.

The media and politicians are still trying to brainwash us into believing that we live in a post-racial society. Ha! We're all middle class...we all have the same access to health care and education- if we only try hard enough. Everyone has equal access to power. Hmph. Really?

Get out of here with that.

Us educators, facilitators, organizers, and people who refuse to take on any of these labels are not advancing this movement for our health, though we are trying to create healthier communities. Maybe some folks still don't understand why but as I always say..if you're not going to stand behind me or beside me...at least don't stand in my way.

That is all.

Ain't I a Man? I mean, I AM a man: My take on 2 Glenn Ligon: America pieces

Ligon's piece in the "America" exhibit

"I AM A MAN"- black bold letters contrasted against a white background assert. A recreation of a sign used at a strike during the Civil Rights Era hangs dauntingly in the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth. In 1968 hundreds of Memphis sanitation workers carried this very sign after two workers were crushed to death by a malfunctioning truck. Protesting deplorable conditions and negligence, workers organized to demand recognition of their union, better safety standards and a decent wage. The sign perhaps meant to them that they'd like to be acknowledged as men, no different because of the color of their skin. Men who deserved equal rights, equal treatment.

Photo from the 1968 Memphis sanitation worker strike

I'd seen it a few times when doing online searches. I'd glanced at it a few times during the guided tour at the exhibit, but as I continued to look at all talented Glenn Ligon's other works it began to register in a whole new way- especially when I saw his stenciled print "Passing". (unfortunately I could not find this print anywhere online. Probably because it did not speak to others or did not seem relevant to those who have actually posted or written about his work- read: white folks).


As I looked at the queer black men and women surrounding me, having their own private revelations, I allowed myself to have one of my own.


This work had a completely different meaning for me than these black men and women whose presence I'd found so much solace in at the beginning of our journey into Ligon together. I was giddy (yes, giddy) at the large number of queer, brown folks who had come to BlaqOut's reception and guided tour. For those first moments I felt so connected to them- connected by the opaque color of our skin and our overall "Black/Brown experience." (Experience of oppression from white people).


I reveled in how I hadn't been in a room with so many black and brown queer folks enjoying art - ever. Though Oakland was the first place I'd been in multiple predominantly brown spaces inclusive of queer folks- it was still not "our" space. But sometimes we made it ours... or it became ours by default. 


Maybe the larger (meaning white) LGBT community has slowly overtaken my consciousness, making me believe that these spaces should be separate- just like it is for them...


It makes me think of a black history month article I recently wrote. I told the "powers that be" that straight African Americans and queer African Americans don't necessarily have separate black history events and that I'd need to write about the "straight" events, too. I mean- they were 98% of the events and just because straight folks were there, didn't mean queer folks weren't going to show up.


I don't think my point was fully processed by them, but I got the go ahead and the article was published. Although all my explanations about the queer black community, the lack of segregation around black history events, and my brief commentary on segregation in the LGBT community and the need for white allies to come out and support those black history events (and POC organizations- even financially) were, to my surprise, mysteriously missing when I opened the paper that day. 


My article had been butchered. Cut in half and now was only a shadow of its former self. Now it was only a listing of Black history events. An ad covered the whole bottom half of the same page. I tried not to see this as a racist act. I tried to push this off on economics- capitalism. After all, they needed to pay the bills...right? Sigh. What a wake up call for me. I wish I could hit the snooze button.


The people I'd interviewed were as shocked as I was, especially being that I read to them what I was putting in the article. The powers that be said it was a space issue. I think that's partially true. Space...and politics.


                                             I AM A MAN


I've written my experiences of being a brown, transmasculine/ masculine of center person. (Female-bodied). You can see my article on that here. It can be a frustrating experience.


In Dallas, I've had the sobering experience of being "read" as female 80% of the time. In Oakland (depending on what neighborhood) I probably was read as female 50% of the time- which tapered off when I started seeking out queer spaces.


I was spoiled in NYC- being read as male 75% of the time- genderqueer in queer spaces in Brooklyn or at the many queer symposiums and conferences. 


But Dallas- I'm adjusting. Unfortunately I'm getting used to the Lesbian/Gay dichotomy. "No" bisexuals, "no" transgender folks. I'm getting used to being seen as lesbian- and just black- not brown. You see, there's only room for lesbian and gay here. Only room for Black and white. Male and female. I can't be upset about that here- I don't pass. I don't fit what it means to be a man here.


That's just the way it is. I can't come down here with my fancy gender analysis and queer theory inherited from a liberal arts college and NYC. I can't just come down here with my leftist, semi-anarchist, brown activism and queer manifestos that have rubbed off from Oakland and expect to be taken seriously.  No, not here in the South. They say I belong "up north", over in the east, or back out west with all that. Or Austin- the liberal bastion  (and in my opinion, mirage) of our third coast.


As I sat looking at "Passing" repeated multiple times in jet black on a lily white background until the paint stuck in the stencil, blurring the word and making the canvas black like the lettering- I realized, to my chagrin, that here- I'll never pass. I'll always be black "against a sharp white background"- and though I'm partially using Zora Neale Hurston's quote about race, I don't only mean race here. I mean race and gender.


In some cities- some states- maybe even 80% of this country- I will never, ever pass. To society "at large" I am not a man. My features are "too feminine". My eyelashes too long. My voice pitch is too high. My ass is too round- ethnically round and ever-so-there. Even though I am not necessarily feminine, people's expectations are for me to be.


Most will place me where they want to place me. Give me female pronouns- talk to me about "female" or "womanly" things- and I will dip back into my past socialization as a female and unwittingly comply with their erroneous expectations for me. I know that most won't understand pronoun preferences and that it's almost ridiculous to expect all folks to see me as I see myself.


It's humorous that with people of color I am less agitated and more forgiving about this. Is that insulting? I say insulting because I don't expect people of color to know the difference between a gender non-conforming/genderqueer person and a lesbian or gay person. Not unless you are a transitioning transman- which I'm not.


So- I can't be taken seriously, right? I must not want to be if I am not on T (testosterone) or taking the proper steps to become a man. If I wanted to be treated like one, if I wanted to be taken seriously as one- I'd take the proper steps like so many others. 

Then maybe I could be "stealth" and never have to deal with those issues again (outside of my mind, that is). But, I guarantee that the preoccupation with passing does not go away. I'm sure it's always there in the back of your mind. No matter how long you've "passed" for.  
A fear that somehow you'll be found out. Your packer (prosthetic penis) might shift at a weird angle or fall out in the bathroom as you relieve yourself. You may skip "T" for too long or want to go off T and your voice pitch might change slightly. Maybe you won't bind your chest as well one day. 


Even when you get all the surgeries there's always that ONE person who will go out of their way and insist on reading you as the sex you were born with, despite your many efforts. Despite the thousands of dollars you spent on testosterone, gender reassignment surgery, counseling, a new wardrobe- a move to a new city/state/country.


Unless you find a bubble- maybe a queer bubble. Even then this does not guarantee 100% acceptance of how you identify. Indeed, it might even be worse because the LGB community can be downright hostile to transfolks. That's right. There's no true alliance there. No allegiance. We're not all one under the queer rainbow despite what the acronym feigns with such short distance between the L-G-B and the T.


Many lesbians think transmen "want" to be men- hell, they think this about butches/studs/AGs. They don't accept transwomen either, because they "used" to be men. Lots and lots of transmisogyny and transphobia. We're never accepted for who we really are- our body parts that we were born with dictate everything. 


Many straight people are the same. No solace there either. 


And don't you DARE be out of the box. No "new" labels allowed. You're complicating things. Now you're just a snooty, overeducated/degreed hyperaware hipster. Who, by the way, is confused. If you can't pick a box and stick with it you will be relegated to the "confused" box because you don't know who you are. Period. Exclamation point!


As a matter of fact- don't know anything about anyone else's culture. Don't identify as a different gender. Don't identify as more than one race or ethnicity. Just don't. There's no room for that. (Unless you're white with intentions on appropriating or exoticizing).I know all this from firsthand experience. There's no room in the margins, silly. Have you not read Anzaldúa or any black feminist or brown lesbian writings? Intersections should be erased so we (and by we I mean they) can see the bigger picture- assimilate. Pass!


So no- I will not be read male, or multiracial. Everything I do will astound the masses because I live in the space between society's categories... and boxes. No label truly fits me. 


And you should check yours...does yours truly fit? Or are you just passing?

On Belonging and Being

Recently I had the pleasure of not making it into a cohort for a retreat that I had a lot riding on (emotionally)...because they were folks like me. Brown, gender non-conforming, and leaders. My "dreams" of camraderie were dashed- so very dashed because I felt like out of all the places...out of all the people ...finally I'd belong here- and that they'd see that. Nope. Didn't happen. Sure there are other factors...but I'm talking about my personal experience and interpretation right now.


You see, all my life I have been on the outside looking in. I've had people tell me what I'm capable of...tell me I'm too much of a dreamer...too much of an optimist...that I don't fit in. That I need to do x,y.z to fit in...to belong. For some reason I've never been able to be down with the status quo. Seriously. There is something physiological that keeps me from being able to even bullsh* that I'm conforming. And it's not even about "trying" to be radical. This is just me.


I've put myself through a lot of trials and tribulations. I've even made myself physically ill trying to conform. Trying to belong. Trying to fit into boxes and wear labels. Well I'm done with that.


Here's my New Life Resolution:

"I will stop trying to convince people that I fit in or am a good "cultural fit". (Because they're on to something. I really DON'T fit narrow labels or boxes.)


A stranger once told me that I'm a hundred years ahead of my time in my thinking. I'm thinking, I can either wait for groups and organizations to catch up with me...or not. Trying to fit in with organizations and prove myself based on their standards is now against my New Life Resolution. I'll still work with mostly anyone to create change, but I'm not going to try to compare myself to their standards and mold myself to look like someone they'd "want" on their team. 

Do you know what it's like to be outside of the Architect's equation and can't be balanced out? I can't do anything..but ME. In a world of assimilation and acculturation, and basically-white-washing...I am brown...and queer...and gender non-conforming. Everything "they" (the powers that be and people who buy into and perpetuate this system)wish doesn't exist. I inhabit a space that many other people at similar intersections create on their own, sometimes accidentally and sometimes purposefully.

What people? 

People like Gloria Anzaldua. People like Audre Lorde. Malcolm X. And don't get me on the plethora of artists living on the outside, driving themselves crazy because they feel so very alone in their forward thinking. So many folks on the margins- Basquiat. Baldwin. Hurston. Hooks.(I'm trying to name only people of color here...we know enough about Foucault and Van Gogh and blah blah blah). Sorry for not stating other brown artists. I'm still learning so much and can admit to my many blindspots and places for improvement.

The point is- the path is lonely.

I wonder- do you know that you're a great mind/exceptional artist/bad @ss organizer when you're the only one who understands you and you've left no box (or label) unturned, only to sit empty handed and outside looking in? 

No. you probably have no idea. You just feel weird, awkward, and sometimes even ugly inside. Not everyone. I'm convinced that you've got to grow the confidence that will turn into self-assurance and self-love. Some of us simply can't- there are mental, emotional and even physical, external blocks. 

Living in this world of conformists and assimilation can be too damn much. Being born brown...female-bodied...or queer and disabled...or any of these marginalized identities- stacking label on top of label...intersection after intersection can be too damn much. And for a person to invalidate us and tell us our experience is uniform or common- or worst, non-existent...and even worst than that, our problem or our fault - can push a person over the edge.

In my short(but not so short) amount of existence I have come to realize that it really isn't acceptance I'm seeking. I gave up on "acceptance" a long time ago. People always feign tolerance anyway...the "educated" ones...the "religious" ones. I know that "all I need to do is"... accept myself, be myself - but, it's not that simple. We live in a world where we are constantly interacting with other people. People always have their own perceptions and expectations. To tell a person that it is their own fault that they are having problems dealing with others putting them in boxes and perceiving them in a certain manner- that "all they need to do is" change their outlook..is frankly, insulting. That's like telling a slave or a person from the hood to look on the bright side, that oppression is all in their head. I know that our own perceptions are important, but C'MON! That's one of the reasons we are in this mess (acculturation and assimilation in so many institutions and situations) in the first place- people invalidating our experiences and us letting people tell us what we are experiencing and telling us how to experience it.

People are always quick to tell you who you are and what you're capable of (especially if you have multiple marginalized identities). From a young age I figured this out. From not being allowed to skip grades because I was brown in a white prep school (I didn't last long there)...to not being able to have access to GT (gifted and talented) classes because I was brown in a public school in a white suburb... to not being heard or my experiences not being validated in a classroom of white peers in liberal arts colleges...to...I could go on and on about the corporate world and the glass ceilings...it's an uphill battle. A struggle that I can't and refuse to smile through...let me frown for a second! Let me acknowledge exactly why this is happening to me...and then after processing and reflecting I will on my own terms choose to look on the brightside...or see the reality for what it is and choose to change it for myself. 


For myself.

So now you see why my world kind of went topsy turvy when the ONE place I thought I'd fit...told me I didn't. I know it happened for a reason. I'm pretty good at justifying and analyzing things so yeah, it really burns my biscuits when folks tell me to "be positive" or other renditions of this. I will. If you know me...you know that I will. But just let me feel this for a minute. Don't invalidate me...let me grieve...let me process this fully before I jump to the glass being half full or that I need to go on to my own projects/path anyway. Sigh.


That said...I always appreciate my friend's feedback. It's just a very complicated situation to talk about- belonging...Being...identity. People trying to tell you that you don't know who you are when you've spent your 20s figuring that out. 


Here is a recent reply to a friend on acceptance:

"I don't want acceptance. Not anymore. All I have ever wanted was to BE and for people to stop trying to tell me who I am and what I am capable of. [And stop telling me that I need to be/feel accepted and that something's wrong with me when I don't.] As brown and female-bodied it gets so frustrating. I have always known who I am but didn't have the language or confidence to tell people that they are wrong in their assessments of me. I used to always take the path of least resistance. And those are the times when I would lose myself. Not being able to "assimilate" and "play the game" is both a gift and a curse to us all at the intersections."



I know that I'm not the only one feeling this way.


Here's a pertinent and very applicable quote from Audre Lorde:  


“As a Black lesbian feminist comfortable with the many different ingredients of my identity, and a woman commited to racial and sexual freedom from oppression, I find I am constantly being encouraged to pluck out some one aspect of mysef and present this as a meaningful whole, eclipsing or denying the other parts of self. But this is a destructive and fragmenting way to live. My fullest concentration of energy is available to me only when I integrate all the parts of who I am, openly, allowing power from particular sources of my living to flow back and forth freely through all my different selves, without the restrictions of externally imposed definition. Only then can I bring myself and my energies as a whole to the service of those struggles which I embrace as part of my living.”
— from her essay Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference 
**Thanks to B for posting this right when I needed it




I wish there was some kind of support group for forward thinkers...for people at the intersections...for mystics and spiritual seekers...for everyone outside of the box or who wants to be outside of the box and is kept from climbing out. I've given up on belonging to the status quo...the system...the game...I know that there is no real place for me there. Sure, I can visit the matrix in my snazzy black long coat and shades...but there are always little reminders that I don't belong there. Whether it's not being a good "cultural fit" at organizations, or being too brown in "radical" groups, or being the wrong acronym in LGBT...too masculine for butches/studs...too feminine for FTMs...

dagnabbit just let me BE.


Acccckkk...leave me alone with all this! I've shed enough tears. Stop the policing of if a person is x,y,z enough. Stop the gatekeeping of who does and does not belong. It is 2012!!! Stop policing the damn cafeteria table. We don't HAVE to be alike to get along. I know this for a fact. Yes, A FACT. It's the differences that enrich us. This is AMERICA...and there are still people who don't get it...sigh.


That's not all...but...I'm done reflecting for now.


For now.

On mentoring and passing the torch

I had a great conversation with a fellow organizer that I truly respect and this topic came up. I'd like it to be part of a continuing dialogue on activist burnout. But why...you say. So many times, we spend so much time building the dream that we have envisioned that more often then not it takes folks wresting it from our clenched hands to get much more to happen outside of our own ideologies and methods.

This was and is one of the biggest problems with the Civil Rights Movement that sits stagnant or ...at least has plateaued. There are so many elders who have burnt out, become frustrated, lost their lives, disappeared from organizing, or who are not invested in the youth or who think the dream has been deferred. I know that there are a myriad of reasons for this but there are no excuses whatsoever to give up on not one man's dream...but a whole world's right to equality....no...not equality- humanity.

Yea, we youth don't appreciate the path that was forged before us a lot of the times. However, it's not entirely our fault. We are handed limited information about our roots and forced to assimilate and acculturate as soon as we are walking and talking and not just by "the man"- by our own communities...by our own families, even.

It's hard to appreciate what you don't know happened...or a struggle that you can't identify with. It's hard to reject images that are thrown at you right and left and expectations that are placed on you from a young age by the "dominant" culture- and your own culture.  We are a generation that has reaped both the privilege and the disparities of the previous generation. We have an abundance and yet a dirth due to choices that were not ours- and seemingly were never meant to be ours.

Yea...everyone on this planet is dealing with something. I realize this. But we're talking about my particular generation right now.

So what do we do?

The youth need guidance. Mentors. People who are not too jaded and burnt out to show us what works and doesn't. To be supportive. To tell us about what they've overcome and how they've been able to do it. To tell us we get on their nerves. To tell us we're disrespectful. To tell us we're privileged...disenfranchised..naive...brilliant...strong...weak...

To tell us SOMETHING.

Yea...some of us don't want to listen. But a lot of us aren't ready...and a lot of us are. Just like a lot of elders can't be mentors and some can. We've got to bridge this gap so we can advance. Who's we? We queers. We brown/black folks. We [name region here]. We Americans. We on this planet.

And elders have got to pass that torch. I know your cause is near and dear...but you've got to do it or else the movement will stagnate. People will go off and do their own thing and we will be divided. There will be a cause and no effect. Some of us are ready to hear your knowledge...please don't keep it to yourself. Please don't think we won't appreciate it. Please don't say we have to learn it the hard way...just like you did. This is about moving forward together.  This is about acknowledging our differences but respecting them all the same so we can get ourselves out of this mess. This milieu.

So pass that torch...but don't just throw it and hope we catch it. Teach us how to hold it and light the way for everyone...so that we can continue doing the same for the next leaders. Share your wisdom. We might not have the same strategies but I'm sure we have a common vision.

Our POC Reclamation and Retrieval in the Arts (but don't call it a Renaissance)

Often, I go out of my way to support POC in any way possible. From music (especially "alternative", punk, rock, jazz, experimental, new wave, etc.), art, theater, magazines, media, online shows, films (especially independent ones and the ones that stay on the film festival circuit briefly)- to community organizations, groups- political and not-so-political, groups committed to indirect action and direct action, community gardens, mentor and leadership programs, youth-run groups, anti-racist organizing, civil rights organizing (including for LGBT, queer/genderqueer, disability, feminist or womyn's rights, etc. ). I didn't notice myself doing this at first. I think it started  with Austin. (*dream sequence harp music*)

I lived in San Antonio for 5 years- immersed in Latino/Brown culture and then, abruptly moved to Austin to begin organizing and working at a non-profit that supported Central Texas. I experienced culture shock, but I wasn't able to put my finger on it for some time. I'd moved from a town that was predominantly brown to one that was predominantly white. Most of the brown/black folks lived across the highway and were continuing to be pushed farther from the center of town. Something was up with this city that claimed to be so "liberal" and "progressive." Brown and black folks were struggling while gentrification was continuing to creep in. I rarely saw any black or brown folks in suits downtown. Most were working behind cash registers in the service industry and later I'd find out that there were a lot involved in non-profit organizations or as social workers,etc.  Very few Austinites, besides the heavily political college students or activists, seemed to have a clue about what was going on in the town along racial lines and socioeconomically. So, this environment created within me a yearning to understand what was going on racially and to find a space where I could converse with others who viewed what was happening and had a similar perspective to my own.

Media
Years before, I had begun working with a gay and lesbian film festival in Austin and  noticed right away that there were very few people of color on staff or represented in the films that were chosen. Around that time when I was trying my hand at screenwriting, acting, cast assisting, and filmmaking, I took note of the same trend. Hmm...where are the people of color? When writing my screenplays I didn't know how to (or want to) create characters that weren't brown or queer and back then I'm not sure people reading them knew how to handle this or how to deal with it. (Which is not a valid excuse, but I've seen it used a lot for different  purposes- such as employing someone! Namely, a brown or queer person. erg)

Fast forward to now- there are web series, films like Pariah, emerging networks like Q-ROC.tv, and we have a presence in the online media like never before. Excellent. It's ripe for all of us to really grow our creativity and continue to plant seeds. Brown folks are showing out and more importantly, showing up!

Music
Another key to my awakening and reclamation was (and remains to be) music. Music is a really important part of my life. Growing up, I was that kid who listened to everything but didn't say anything so I wouldn't get criticized for it. Do you remember what happened to black kids who listened to rock, punk, etc. in junior high? Yea- you were ostracized.  I had to listen to Bjork, ska, and punk in the privacy of my own home. All but a few of my friends were listening to R&B and rap and that was it. Interestingly enough, in high school I stayed mainly to myself so I could preserve my style and taste in music without criticism and sought out a handful of friends who were also "outside the box." Nah, I wasn't completely a loner- I was a track star ;). And you know that people in "athletics" roll deep.

My mom listened to all kinds of music from the 50s-70s and my stepdad listened to all types of old and nu jazz. So, I guess from the beginning my musical tastes were pretty diversified. Weeeell- at some point I think I went off the deep end and most of the bands I was listening to were basically a bunch of white folks. This was before AND after my "conscious" phase where I listened to only neo-soul and downtempo music. (Smiles). Well, let's face it- most of the mainstream bands (especially rock and alternative bands) that we had access to were white! Record execs didn't give many black/brown folks the chance to branch out of hip hop and r&b.

So, at some point, I began noticing that white folks were all I was listening to and I began digging and digging for any bands that had a black/brown singer (besides Lenny Kravitz). Then I started looking for completely brown bands. I got deep into afro-punk music. I became fascinated by all these black, female lead singers who were creating a new type of music with the "soul" I had grown up with -Santogold, Janelle Monae, Skye Edwards from Morcheeba, the lead singer from Esthero...and of course...back in high school, Kelis. And now we also have Tamar-Kali, Arama Mara, Joya Bravo, Amanda Rey, Sarah White, and Esperanza Spalding- just to name a few. I can't express to you how excited I am every time I hear of a new singer or band that is majority POC and creating unique music.

I remember hearing Tamar-Kali for the first time. I walked into a dark room full of people swaying and headbanging and I heard this soulful and brooding voice over guitar riffs and outstanding drums...and I looked at the people who I came in with and one said "Yea, this is me. I can get into this." I made my way to the stage and stood in front, really feeling the energy. I realized that a soulful, brown voice was what I'd been missing in all my years of listening to rock, punk and alternative. I needed those two worlds to come together; the soulfulness of r&b and the angsty, rebelliousness of rock. Well, black/brown folks invented rock. Yes, we all know that. Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Fats Domino, Ritchie Valens, Los Lobos, El Chicano and so many others...all those great singers from the 50s! But it was stolen from us. Appropriated and turned into something else. Something almost unrecognizable and some could argue- soulless.

At the same time that we are reclaiming our music in larger numbers, I'm experiencing a similar reclamation within myself.  A reconciliation of all these worlds that we've been socialized to believe that don't fit together. Much like the whole idea behind Awkward Black Girl, we don't all fit into boxes and do what we're "supposed to". I learned that early on. But truly respecting and honoring my differences came a little later, once the shame dissipated. I really appreciate the Afro-punk website and other people doing similar work. Those who are trying to keep us informed about black/brown folks who are creating awesome music...awesome art...awesome films...Those who are branching out and showing us all another image of who we are and can be, like Q-Roc.TV. I seriously can't wait til everything is in place. That network is going to be a hub...it's going to bring all us brown queers and allies together. It's something I wish I would have had when I was growing up. But, it's never too late! I'm sure I'll appreciate more, now that I know more about my artistic roots and heritage because networks like these can be hard to come by.

Our Predecessors and Where we came from
For years the Audre Lorde Project (ALP) and Allgo and many, many other POC LGBT/queer organizations have existed. I think that right now we're witnessing a breaking away from tradition but, at the same time, a keeping of the spirit of this tradition. We're no longer trying to form non-profits and seeking 501(c)3s. We're just doing kickstarter campaigns and going ahead with our projects, unfettered by government rules, regulations and funding. I see POC supporting each other a lot more in separate projects and coming together as collectives as well. This is the future, folks. It can't happen any other way. We have to support each other. Whether it's potlucks and community gardens, or coming together to form networks and organizations that support our communities, or starting new communities where we help build sustainable houses and live off the land. Or maybe some of us stay in urban centers but help with policy change and community support there.

Not a revival- a Retrieval
We as POC, are no longer being bamboozled and buying into the assimilationist "American Dream." This western culture that we've been forced to take on is not our culture. It is oppressive and has led to additional suffering. Our diets have deteriorated, our way of life has deteriorated, the way we interact with one another has deteriorated. The colonists tried to dig up our roots and tried to destroy us, but our roots run deep and are very strong. What we are seeing is the spirit and guidance of our ancestors calling us back to our roots and reminding us to dig deep into that reservoir to discover our strength. As we continue with our self-discovery and to work on who we are individually, we also discover how to improve our relationships and how to act/respond/build collectively. As we support each other, we become less and less dependent on the dominant (read:white) culture and begin reflecting on where we came from and how we can continue advancing together. We are reclaiming those parts of  the core of our collective community that have been trampled on and lost due to acculturation. You can call this movement not a renaissance,or rebirth/revival, but more of a (Soul)Retrieval.

POC Anti-racist organizing and burnout

Can POC organizers keep a sound mind and longevity in a career committed to anti-racism and anti-oppression? I've seen a lot of POC burn out and it leads to this reflection...

Co-signing for White folks

What this means is that you as a POC organizer are giving the go ahead for other POC organizers or organizations to work with white “anti-racist” organizers. Sometimes this is fine. Other times this may come back to haunt you because the “work” that the white anti-racist organizers/organization have said they have done around privilege and anti-oppression is not complete thereby leading to additional oppression. Many POC are wary of working with white anti-racists because, to put this bluntly, there is a sense of mastery that just doesn't exist. There's a lot of empty rhetoric, good intentions, and horrible actions under the guise of being educated as an anti-racist.

Whose Anti-Racism is it anyway?

And just what does it mean to be anti-racist anyway? Does it mean you are against racism from other folks but don't check your own racism? Does it mean you are an ally who checks your own privilege and supports POC? What does support mean to you? Does it simply mean saying your best friend or colleague is black/brown and you don't say racist things outside the comfort of your own home? Does it mean you are actually trying to create more space for POC and build with POC? Does it mean you are trying to tackle the institution of racism in a substantial way- other than attending one or two anti-racist trainings and thinking you know it all?

From what I've witnessed, groups and organizations that claim to be committed to anti-racist organizing are predominantly white and miss the mark completely. They commit grave errors in taking up too much space, saying that racism doesn't exist within their space, or denying anything can be done about POC members feeling unsafe in the space. I've seen POC blamed for being uncomfortable. I've seen POC called reverse racists when they try to point to racism that exists in these “anti-racist” spaces. I have seen white privilege rear it's head time and time again in POC being silenced during committees and councils, not getting to form their own committees to promote POC involvement, POC not being taken seriously, POC issues not being confronted, and POC being blamed for the lack of POC presence.

When POC try to speak out about all this suddenly they are a voice of dissonance. They are said to be divisive. When they leave the group/committee/council it is because they “weren't cut out for the committee” or because they were “reverse racists”, were “too angry” or “couldn't handle it”. Every explanation points to how deficient they were or how they were too hostile for the organization or committee. This is racist. It goes back to historical views on POC's “place” in this society. It's not our “place” to speak up and when we do it's just because we're angry and there can't possibly be any credibility to what we say. What we say is always to be questioned and disregarded.

Tokenism and being the "educator"

On top of feeling silenced or unheard in these organizations or groups, POC are tokenized or expected to educate on all that I've mentioned and it is seen negatively when they don't want to do the work for the white folks. No one in the group notices how much of a burden this is on POC...or how racist these expectations are. Yes, expecting brown people to tell you how to be better and then getting angry when they won't is racist and tied to a history of white folks building empires off the backs of brown folks. Think about it. Let it marinate. It's racist to think that a POC should be there to hold your hand through the processing of all this and expect them not to say a word as you lash out, say it doesn't exist, blame POC, and expect sympathy as if it is owed to you. I have seen this time and time again in anti-racist workshops. POC will flock to the white participants and try to comfort and console them as they realize the harm caused by white privilege. Yea, I know that there's a such thing as compassion...my problem is with the expectation of some white folks to be coddled and walked through it....supported.

This leads me to talking about the lack of trust and disrespect POC have to deal with among their own community for being committed to anti-racism and co-signing for people who have not done the work on themselves and for the harm they continue to do to POC. It's really unfortunate but I get it. And when POC organizations are wary and apprehensive to work with you ...you should get it to. It's not because THEY'RE racist...it's because YOU ARE.

Please dont....

Please don't reach out to POC organizations to do the work of unpacking your privilege and understanding racism. Please don't ask POC to be part of your committees, organizations, and coalitions until you've done this work. (I would say until you've “made a commitment to do this work” but...isn't that the point of having the “anti-racist” label that so many tout?) Making a commitment isn't enough. It just isn't. The work is hard...the work is continuous and never,ever done. It hurts to hear that though you've done the work, that you're still taking up too much space or asserting your white privilege...but...you should be open to this constructive criticism if you are as committed to anti-racist work as you say you are.

You've got to do the work on your own and get back to us (POC) once you've begun healing yourselves and  are ready to actually support our communities. No more lip service, please. No more tokenism. No more blaming us for your superiority complexes, and such. White supremacy is endemic to this society and thankfully it is crumbling. Will you continue to feed into it while cloaked behind the “anti-racist” banner? It is important that both white and POC anti-racist organizers turn a critical eye toward themselves, address internalized racism, superiority and inferiority complexes, and once healed join to dismantle this institution of racism.

Who I am and Who I am not

I'll tell you first who I'm not. I'm not "just another angry POC". I'm not irate but I AM firm in my convictions and it is upsetting to be at square 1 half a century after the civil rights movement. The truth is that the movement is still happening. We are living and breathing it.

I am a person committed to diversity and inclusion, anti-oppression, cultural competence and civil rights and I'm not going to give up. No matter how arduous. There are so many civil rights leaders who had to endure so much more. Our foremothers and forefathers have had to endure so much more. I will carry the torch but I will not be taken advantage of. I have my eyes wide open and I'm not afraid to call what I see. No change will come if we don't.

Thoughts from a QPOC going into 2012

It's 2012 and I've been reflecting for a few days on my identity and activism. Being home for the holidays I've been forced to remember that I am a daughter, sister, and niece in the eyes of at least 48 of the 50 people who crowded my aunt's home to eat and reminisce. All of these folks don't know how hard I fought to come to terms with my identity for the past few years.  Yet, for once, I didn't withdraw from conversations or hide in the back room. I wore my tie and suspenders after a little anxiety about what older family members would think. I prepared myself for the silence around my personal life. I prepared myself for the pronouns and name I haven't been called by in a while.

A 7 year old boy cousin took to me instantly thinking that I was cis-male...his step sister called him out on his error in a jarring scene. "Toi...aren't you a girl? See. She's a girl!" What an awkward moment that was. I went upstairs defeated...not really knowing what could be going through his mind. A couple hours later...we were back to hanging out again. While playing basketball he told me , "I keep forgetting you're a girl." I consoled him, "It's ok. Not many people think of me that way anyway. And I prefer it that way."

In my family, I guess we don't really ask questions. We keep our assumptions to ourselves. (At least in front of your face). I bet they think I'm gay or some kind of tomboy. Nobody comments on it...or asks me if I have a girlfriend or boyfriend. (Though most of them know I've had girlfriends). As a matter of fact, no one asks anyone about who they're with. Maybe we just want to get through the holidays as smoothly as possible. Who knows. I do know that I was ready to do battle if anyone made a trans or homophobic comment. I had heard a couple jokes a few days before and was ready to confront whoever I had to. It didn't happen. I missed the opportunity to have dialog.

Sometimes I feel so torn about opening up to my family about my identity. Part of me feels like I just want to live my life away from the added scrutiny of family members.  Now that I'm back in the South, I deal with it enough on a day to day basis. But deep down I want them to accept me...want them to accept that there are others out there like me. I want to be able to talk about who I'm dating or have dated with them. I want to be able to talk about my queer activism with them, since it's such a big part of my life.  While I know I probably can't go spouting queer theory, it'd just be nice to actually be able to talk about things that are important to me.

So with TPOC activism

 I have found it hard to get people to contribute to this chapter on race and ethnicity in this trans resource guide. I want it to represent the TPOC community but we're barely getting any submissions. I suspect that it's because our project is mostly organized by white folks. The title also uses the name "Trans"- forcing people to identify as Trans which a lot of QPOC don't do. Not everyone wants to be under that umbrella term.
I've also found it hard to get in contact with QPOC organizations to get support. They probably don't trust the project, are too busy to worry about it, or who knows what else. I want this chapter to come from our community and speak to our community. I want this chapter to expose what is happening in the larger LGBT community. It's been slow going. I bet it would be different if I was doing a zine and the majority of the writers were POC.

Some have asked me why I keep going with this project...and it's simple really. Who else if not me? I have invested so much time and effort and I really believe in this. So, I'll continue with it to the best of my ability. I just wish we had more support...wish the people behind this project were more committed to building with POC organizations and reaching out to TPOC. But maybe that's a separate project. It's just so frustrating, though, to see a project with such potential that is supposed to be a resource guide for EVERYONE become so narrow and representative of such a few in the community. It just goes to show that our intentions are not enough. They are never enough. It takes work ....and a real committment to inclusiveness.

The last few years of my work have been dedicated to figuring out how to promote diversity and inclusion in different settings. Hospitals, academic institutions, groups and organizations....And the work isn't easy. We just had the civil rights movement 50 years ago. So much of this world...these systems....our thought, operate on the belief of the inferiority of others. So many times during the Occupy movement (and way before this) activists and organizers have urged us to decolonize our minds. They're right. This whole idea of inequality and superiority complexes comes from the mentality of the colonizer. Colonialism. This whole idea of "Integration" or "Inclusiveness" is impossible without acknowledging deeper, systemic issues AND our mindset. The value system of this country is deeply flawed. How can we pull our self up by our bootstraps with the man's foot on our neck? We have to address racism, classism, sexism, homo and transphobia and all other forms of hate and discrimination before we can create a better society. Many don't want change because they profit from those whose necks their foot is on...others don't have time to think about change because they are trying to survive. With the economy in the state that it's in...change is coming whether we like it or not. It's better to be proactive than reactive, as they always say. We have to come together and support each other while valuing each other's differences. In this day and age- the rhetoric of being "equal" is not enough. All I hear is that we "should" be able to be equal. Should doesn't mean anything to me right now. There is so much in place to keep the poor, poor which informs every other aspect of their life -education, housing, health care. I just don't believe in the American sense of equality anymore...especially if based on "meritocracy". No one deserves to be poor or discriminated against...or to die because they don't have housing or health care.

So much to think about as we start off a New Year. I am still committed to anti-oppression and making institutions and organizations more inclusive for the betterment of society. And also creating dialogue across differences to build healthier and more supportive communities.