Silencing and Voicelessness- a QPOC, limited ability/chronically ill perspective

It can be hard to understand the life of a gender non-conforming person. Some are lucky enough to be called by the pronouns they wish to be called by in their home life and at work- others are closeted and must deal with the daily contradictions of presenting in a way that is "acceptable" in the work environment and to family, etc. Some of us spend so much time working on who we are and discovering our identity only to be ushered back into the closet on numerous occasions- daily.

I'm going to speak from the experience of being a gender non-conforming person of color with Systemic Lupus. Voicelessness is something that I've struggled with throughout my life. Mostly because I was born brown and female-bodied  in the South. In my generation...African- American kids did not question authority. Not your parents...not your aunties and uncles...and all this was training for dealing with white policemen,white teachers, principals and doctors and a predominantly white upper management in the workforce. Some of this was taught unconsciously. We needed to "understand our place". Once in Jacksonville, Florida when some male cousins and I were discriminated against and accused of shoplifting in a Walgreens the elders in my family chastised us for going to the "white" walgreens and said we should have gone to the "black" one. So, race/ethnicity has definitely made me feel crippled at times. Especially in the ivory tower where your views and perspectives are made to feel less valid and many times you feel like an outsider in your cohort--because of race and sometimes, gender.

Being female-bodied, we internalize all kinds of sexism and misogyny. Women have their roles, and one of them is not to speak up- unless a man has been affected. Maybe a son or a husband - or even some stranger.Women have spent centuries being told to keep quiet and stay in their place. Women have fought for liberation for decades, but the vestiges of the patriarchy are everywhere. Being read female and being partially socialized as such for decades, I have not gone unscathed. The various institutions I trusted (why? I have no idea) many times told me exactly where I was "allowed" to go. I defied this of course with the best of my ability, I took note as I watched my black mother navigate the systems.

Queer people of color are oftened silenced.Silenced and voiceless imply two different things for me. When you are silenced- people are unintentionally or intentionally invalidating you and your ideas. When you are voiceless- you are silenced but there may be other factors contributing to being unheard. Silencing can be overt while the variables lending themselves to a person feeling voiceless can be very subtle. Being a QPOC or being genderqueer makes a person marginalized within a marginalized group. Who listens to the queer black or brown man's hardships or those of the gender non-conforming? We're always being told to be quiet because we're being too divisive by expressing how our social and economic concerns are different. All discrimination is not equal. Many of us face double or triple the discrimination because of intersecting identities such as race,class,gender, and sexuality.

I have been pondering on something recently as far as what others might mistake as me being voiceless. As a genderqueer, masculine of center person I am constantly monitoring my interactions with women. Especially my partner. And sometimes this is misread. I am not being unassertive, I am trying to respect her. When I say that I'm trying not to take up a lot of space when I'm in mostly women's spaces with her...it has nothing to do with my confidence and everything to do with the fact that I want to honor those women who are continuously marginalized and not allowed to speak, including her. I realize what my interactions with men and my occasionally being read as male does to my interactions with women. I try to check them. But also as a masculine of center person who may more frequently be read as female because of my features, at times I am still silenced and voiceless. All I know is...that I don't want to contribute to the voicelessness and silencing of women who I truly respect. I don't think that makes me soft or weak...and it hurts when things said about my hypersensitivity to taking up too much space are read as such. How does that make me any less masculine? How does that make me less strong? I'm not going to throw around my weight because I'm in a room of women or even a room of men. That's not what I'm about. It is important for transmen to recognize our privilege and also to learn to balance it with decades of past and continuing marginalization. It's definitely an on-going process.

As a gender non-conforming person with a chronic (and sometimes fatal) disease I get no respect from most of my doctors and am always searching for the one doctor who is not racist, or sexist, or homophobic. It's so hard to find a doctor lacking at least two or more of these wonderful means of discrimination. I have a disease that doctors and the world are just now learning more about- one where at times you're fine and other times you feel like a 16 wheeler hit you and backed up over you...for months. Sometimes you appear healthy when your kidneys or brain is failing. No one understands your pain- not parents, partners or doctors. So your experience is often invalidated and goes unheard by those you expected to support you the most. I must say that unfortunately I have had this experience at one of my lowest and most trying points with SLE. My parents were in denial, most of my friends were too busy to even check in with me...but I am very appreciative of the handful that were there for me. Though I was voiceless in the physician's offices and silenced by rheumatologists and hematologists/oncologists alike, it felt good to be able to have at least three or four people to talk to. Even if some days I just sat immobile, curled up in a ball crying from the pain and not wanting to talk with anyone.

So, I'm marginalized as a brown, female-bodied, genderqueer/gender nonconformist with a disease that no one quite understands. In a lot of my interactions I can't be how I feel and who I am. I can't express myself. People don't acknowledge my identity. Many of these people are close to me. Some have access to my medical records and are expected to treat me (without actually caring who I actually am). I am constantly silenced in this body, with this disease. It's a lot to deal with. Sometimes too much. And at times I have wondered how I could possibly regain my voice. I've yelled, screamed at the top of my lungs but I've been really tired lately. I haven't cared about power struggles in the workplace or academia as much. I've been sick and trying to deal with a diagnosis I got just this past January.But the struggle continues and I'm done with not being heard or people's selective hearing. (Nothing new). I am gathering all my strength as I work on healing myself. I will never be silenced. I am a writer and the pen is a conduit for my voice. So even if I'm not physically able to battle it out...you'll be hearing from me....oh you will.

Queer relationships...how bout 'em?

I'm kind of frustrated with the lack of literature with an actual sociological or psychological analysis of romantic relationships within the "queer" or LGBTTSGNC world. It's already so hard to find good models of what a healthy queer relationship should look like while there are oodles and oodles of self-help books about straight/heterosexual relationships. I'd really love to be able to understand the dynamics that are created (romantically) between a trans person and another transperson, lesbians, gay men, and people who are same-gender loving or of any other variety besides straight/heterosexual. I keep saying that queer relationships are a lot harder because of internal and external struggles. Your job, your family, internalized homophobia and transphobia in both partners, self-loathing, being closeted, reactions from strangers, etc. This is a lot of added stress. Then add in how this world caters to straight relationships...and not having many lasting queer relationships to learn from and well, I'm sure many of us queers have felt it. And then...when our queer relationships fail, having religious folks or family members tell us it is because of our queerness...like it's some karmic debt that we have to pay. Like we don't deserve happiness because of our "choice" to be queer.

So many of us are walking around like ticking time bombs because we aren't allowed or encouraged to process, acknowledge, and accept our identity. We are made to feel ugly, awkward, and sometimes, even like sinners. It takes a lot to finally get through self-loathing and to feel good about where we're at....maybe even to feel a little bit of pride and then...we meet someone beautiful...sexy...amazing...who maybe doesn't feel that great about themselves or has similar or worse experiences that inform how they interact with us because of their gender or sexuality.

Things would sure be a lot easier if we queers could get more free counseling and have more discussions about co-dependence, self-hatred, gender roles, this hetero and patriarchal system, internalized homophobia and transphobia,etc. Queer theory is great and all...but is it addressing all of this in a substantial way? A tangible and accessible way? Maybe if we could understand more fundamentally what we're up against and how it affects us individually and how this, in turn, informs our interactions with our partners...we could have more healthy, quality relationships (and for some...more lasting).

That is all.

Occupy Oakland

So a lot of people seemed to be a little confused as to the point of Occupying cities. Some have even gone on to say that we are just complaining about life being too hard or too tough and that we need to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. Be silent. The most disappointing part about these comments is that people really don't get why so many people are organizing, collaborating and raising their voices. People really buy the notion that we all have equal opportunities in this country. Smart people. People with a lot of influence. Even people who have been discriminated against in the past. It is so important that we continue to educate ourselves on privilege and the decolonization of our minds. Assimilation and colonization is what fuels POCs against POCs. For instance, Herman Cain. Here is a prime example of the perfect, assimilated black man who is blind to the plight of many people of color. Sorry if 50 or so years wasn't enough time for those of us who couldn't even drink out of the same water fountain or attend the same schools to become equals. Jeez, we brown folks are really messing up. Now that racism isn't overt, we should be able to deal with its vestiges. Out of sight, out of mind- right?

I keep seeing these folks who write these letters, take photos, and post them on facebook talking about how they don't complain..that they've earned where they're at through hard work as if immigrants and people of color never worked two and three jobs to provide for their families or put themselves through college. Most of these folks posting these letters are white. White people have historically decimated and appropriated. The systems in place in this country were created by, for and to uplift white folks. The boot straps they want us to pull ourselves up by...are provided by white folks. That's just how it is. White folks are the colonizers, though we are all affected by colonization. We have to know this in order to change it.

This movement is about the People finding their voice and challenging a system that says that our rights aren't as important as that of corporations and the wealthy. It's also about the People rising up and taking back our communities. Having more influence- more say- in the decisions made in education, housing, restorative justice, etc. We've let the plutocracy make the calls for far too long.  This land...is our land. (Actually- it's native land and we need to respect and acknowledge that first and foremost).  Collectively we have the power to stop these wars, keep schools open, receive fair wages, put an end to racism,sexism and homophobia...the sky is the limit.

I'm sure there were plenty of people who thought that the civil rights movement was annoying and that people of color should just accept their "lot in life". That things couldn't get any better.  We can DO something about this broken system. Let's not sit idly by and swallow propaganda and falsities when we know the truth. Oakland has a very radical past. The antagonism between law enforcement and communities of color has been a major factor in the organizing efforts that have shown that the people of Oakland can and must provide for themselves. I will always respect Oakland for always finding a way with its free school lunches, community gardens, and focus on its youth and respect for the wisdom of the elders.

So...it's completely understandable if some of you don't want to get on board. But, if you won't get behind us...at least don't stand in front of us. The revolution is already happening. Please help ...not hinder. We need everyone involved if we are going to rebuild this society in a way that respects and values everyone regardless of race/ethnicity,class,gender, sexuality or ability.

Privilege and Protest

Sigh. If I see one more white man at Occupy X,Y,Z talking about how the man is holding "us" down ...
So I've been hanging out at Occupy Oakland, seeing what's what and I'm going to say this...it wreaks of privileged folks. There is a large percentage of folks who are highly educated (whether from college or the school of..(should I even say "hard") knocks? No wonder so many people of color are skeptical about this movement. Our struggles are not all the same. I'm not saying that we can't come together over some commonalities...but to talk about the "man" holding us down as if "his" foot is on everyone's neck and that some aren't disproportionately affected- is more than ridiculous. Red Flag number one.

Red Flag number 2. Sexual harassment and women and queer folks not feeling safe and having to have their own section of the camp. I'm not even woman-identified and some man at the information booth found it necessary to put his hand on me and give me a little squeeze in an uncomfortable place. Also, there are men who are helping to organize the General Assembly and other committees who have committed sexual assault or who are sexually harassing women in the encampment. What's being done about that? Um. Nothing. Though there is a "Safer Spaces Committee" ...not many people are feeling safe. Men and their feelings of entitlement...and all under the guise of being an organizer/activist/community-builder who "knows everything" about sexual harassment and wouldn't dare commit such a thing. It really burns my biscuits when folks don't continue educating themselves  and use their status as an organizer to show that they can do no wrong (and that goes for sexism,racism, being homophobic,etc.)

Also...a few people of color see it fit to be divisive. Walking around the encampment talking about why there shouldn't be a POC committee and how "evolved" they are as if color-blindness has anything to do with evolution. It is racist in itself- denying differences and aiding in discrimination and is basically a "microaggression". Discrimination in itself. So, who exactly does it serve for us to be acculturated? Mhm. Exactly.

People (men, white folks, the educated, the economically stable) need to check their privilege before theytake it upon themselves to organize these movements. It is destructive for male chauvinists and "macktivists" and theorists and white folks to be heading this occupy movement. How can we build anything sustainable without people feeling safe or heard?

Not.Possible.

More Later.

Diversifying the Stacks (book shelves that is)

We really need more queer and trans writers of color. Now, of course this desire partially comes from me wanting to read perspectives and issues similar to my own,  but I also say this for the greater good. It's not just about me not being able to relate to book after book after book - it's about a very monotone and singular perspective that we (people of color and others) have been subjected to for far too long. I get an instant breath of fresh air when I read Baldwin, Butler, Morraga, Chin, etc. Though I'm sure our life experiences are very different- I appreciate writings from people who have experienced similar oppression. When I read stories that actually have an analysis of the way that race (in more than a Harriet Beecher Stowe Uncle Tom way or just an outsiders perspective on what it's like to be brown or black), class, gender and sexuality intersect and affect our lives , I am giddy (yes, giddy) and excited. Relieved that something is being published from a perspective other than our colonizers. We need more memoirs and science fiction and poetry and creative non-fiction and...and...and...the sky is the limit.

I know that it is hard enough for people of color to get their stories published, so what about queer and trans POCs? I see them here and there blogging, in Zines, and on youtube. I see us organizing more and more in New York City, Oakland, and I'm sure many other places. But I ask- where are our stories? We need to write them...read them. I want to see more brown and black trans folks talking about their transitions or writing characters like themselves. Oh. There's that giddiness again. The same kind I get when I see black or brown queer and trans characters on television series and movies. I know that there are real barriers for us getting our stories out there into the mainstream. We have to go through all kinds of gatekeepers. I'm sure that there aren't too many people sympathetic to queer and trans POC literature. Also, many of us have a history of oral traditions and might not be eager to get things into print. After all, books...literature...are all from the colonizers. Wouldn't it be great if we could all sit around telling our stories and tales around a fire like our ancestors did? Hmm...how to make it happen...sigh.

Diversity! We need to diversify our literature. How are we to understand each other if we're always seeing the same perspective? Hearing the same voice? I want to make it clear that I don't say this because I think our voices need to be validated but because we need to be able to heal through talking about our own experiences. It's also important for us to see that we're not alone in our experiences. I was once part of a QPOC writer's circle and it felt exhilirating to be able to tell  our stories together and encourage each other to write our experiences. For many writing is healing and this healing could inspire others. I know that there will be more and more QPOC writers soon. I'd like to encourage  people to write their own experiences and write the stories they wish to see- the ones they can't find on shelves or amazon.com and I will do the same.

On Coming Out...again...and again...

I came out as genderqueer/gender non-conforming/trans to a friend of mine that I've known off and on for a while now. Her first question was..."when did you decide that?" This was a good exercise for me as I had been sifting through the dreaded myspace on that particular evening trying to figure out how far I had or hadn't come in the past 3 or 4 years. I decided that I became "definitely other than lesbian" three years ago. I told her that I'd always known I was a "bad lesbian". Something just didn't feel quite right. I also told her that a recent roommate of mine let me know that I was also a bad androgynous person. I thought for sure after seeing all the andros in Austin that ...yes that that must be what I was. But my roommate pointed out that I wore all men's clothing.

Oh. Right.

And after much self-reflection I started to see that...well, I'd always actually seen myself as a boi or more "masculine of center" though I'd never categorized myself as butch/dom/stud/ AG,etc.


There have only been about 2 years in my (adolescent and adult)  life that I didn't wear men's clothing. What can I say? It just always "felt" right. I've always been a boi and I don't think I ever really "decided" on that. It's just what I've been. What I did decide to do was to deliberately tell (or not tell) people once I began to acknowledge that I was outside of the binary.

I find it comical that a handful of people from my past who I've come out to in the past couple of years have said that they've always sensed this about me. (Just like when I was coming out as lesbian how people said- 'Oh yeah I knew that.') How could people know this before I did? Is that possible? I guess having terminology and a community of people who identify similarly has helped me to acknowledge that I am different. I wonder if I'm better off for going and buying into all this queer theory- and queer politics. A lot of queer people of color I know don't care about being politicized. They just are. I miss the simplicity of just being. Damn liberal arts colleges and queertopias. Now I guess all that's left for me to do is reconcile who I was with who I'm becoming and decide if these labels really represent me and if I want to use them when coming out.

Check out this article on the harm done when closeted and when dealing with subtle discrimination or microaggression, stigma, and social inequality:
http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/10/04/335483/study-anti-gay-microaggressions-impact-health-of-lesbians-gays-bisexuals/
http://www.springerlink.com/content/q761v3380wjw1754/

Reclaiming our inner Self. Issues with Spirituality and Sexuality.

I know that spirituality can be a touchy subject for people who don't identify as straight. I remember religion being the reason that I suppressed all those thoughts and sentiments that I had for people of the same sex. People in the South ( I should say, many of the people I was surrounded by- family, friends, co-workers, etc.) can be really religious. There are churches on every corner. Churches that aren't necessarily accepting of us non-heteros. Some scriptures contain very hurtful interpretations of what past spiritual teachers have said about non-hetero sexual actions. Few preachers, pastors, etc. bother to acknowledge that few past spiritual leaders have commented on an actual non-hetero lifestyle. We queers (or however we may choose to identify) are not only the sum of our sexual actions. A friend of mine is always saying "I don't care what you do in the bedroom. I don't care what any of you do, as long as it doesn't affect me." And after a few years of hearing this, I finally countered with "It's not just about who I'm sleeping with. This is my partner. It's not just about sex." But for some reason...we are reduced to this solitary action. Some spiritual teachers teach about desires of the flesh and lust and put our love into that category. When I was younger I couldn't help but feel ashamed for the feelings I had about women. I was taught that this was wrong...not just wrong but abominable. Lots of us walk around feeling a lot of shame and guilt about who we are. That's why the pride parade was invented. It was us being proud about who we are in a society that makes us feel "less than". It was also satire. They made fun of all that heteros felt we were by dressing up as that. I feel like we've lost that message a lot of times...

Spirituality is an important tool. I feel that one of the many reasons that there are so many people who are dependent on drugs and alcohol in our community is because we are so often rejected from different spiritual paths (and of course, society). I remember feeling animosity for the church and vowing never to go to another church. I felt really hurt and I couldn't understand a God that didn't love part of his creation. God specifically hated me, or as some preachers said...my actions. And this whole "don't hate the sinner, hate the sin." Ugh. What kind of God or religion would say that we should hate anyway? I couldn't comprehend. Luckily I found one of the only churches in the U.S. with an LGBT congregation and pastor. I felt more at ease with my faith and sexuality, then. Though I decided to continue with my spiritual search and didn't stay with that particular church- it definitely was my first step in the reclamation of Self. It was a step towards reconciliation and the obliteration of internalized homophobia. I found other spiritual paths that were open to members learning about other religions and this opened a whole new world for me, unfortunately some of these paths were not accepting of LGBT members- or they taught that one day we would change. There is nothing worse than being closeted on your spiritual path. How can we find our true Self if we are hiding parts of it from our spiritual community. I don't believe that we can truly discover Self if we have such intense feelings of shame.

Some spiritual paths teach that our sexuality, gender, etc. are not "who" we are. I agree. At the core of all of us-- we are That. The Great Spirit. Creator. Brahman. Ultimate Reality. Tao. God. However we choose to identify how we are interconnected. To me, spirituality is about sifting through these layers around our true identity to find our true inner Self. Believing that one of these layers- our sexuality- can prevent us from discovering  Who we are is very dangerous. It's extremely difficulty feeling guilty and, at times, even questioning our very existence because of one aspect of our identity. You know, there are actual religions that say it is better for LGBTTSGNC to kill themselves. Suicides are becoming more and more frequent for queer and questioning youth. For many youth, they do not have a choice as to what religion they will be or what spiritual path they will take.

The fear that some of us deal with on a regular basis and the affect that it has on us reminds me of a curanderismo term called  susto or soul loss. It is believed that various fearful and traumatic events can cause us to experience this loss of a part of our soul.  Soul retrievals are performed to heal us of past traumatic events and to help us regain that part of ourselves. I feel that many spiritual traditions have a form of this whether through prayer, chant, or meditation. These are tools for finding, understanding, and healing our self and ultimately understanding each other. Our community is being denied the chance to heal. Sometimes we are even told that we cannot heal unless we give up our "unnatural" actions which causes further harm.

 I wonder how in the course of history queer people went from being heavily revered soothsayers and medicine (wo)men to being rejected from society? Obviously western religion and culture had a lot to do with this in the West. (I am not exactly sure how things went down in the East but suspect that religion has a part in discrimination there as well). Sexuality has become yet another grounds for discrimination and injustice.

How do we find what's "right" or believe that we can do what's "right" when some religions are always telling us how wrong we are? How can we feel whole again, and for those of us who are spiritual seekers in search of community- how do we continue the search and keep from being discouraged? The answer is different for everyone. I have been very lucky in that, though much of my journey has been alone, I have found accepting and inspiring people along the way. I hope that everyone at some point unplugs for a bit and makes an attempt at self-realization and the reclamation of Self. With all that our community faces- healing is imperative for survival. I believe that we can heal ourselves by learning to understand ourselves and each other. We certainly must be compassionate to ourselves first and foremost and seriously acknowledge our own suffering and hardships before we can be supportive of others. This might be one of the first steps in reclaiming our Self. Bit by bit we must reconstruct ourselves into that which we aspire to be. The truth is...we've been that all along and how can we ever feel ashamed of the beautiful butterflies we are?