Trans* Day of Remembrance/ Resistance/Reclamation

This is a speech I gave at City Hall in Austin, Texas last year. It is printed in the zine Philosophactivism 2 and can be found HERE.

Audio coming soon...

Trans Day Of Remembrance/Reclamation/Resistance
City Hall Austin,TX

November 20,2013

Survivin'

Click Here for video

Tired of survivin’/strivin’/ bribi’n …you to see my potential/credentials/my mentals/tired of survivin’/strivin’/to stay alive when/some peeps got this privilege/and all I got’s my soul to give/never thought about sex work til the economy tanked and went bisserk/became comfortable in my gender/inhabiting spaces/places/you wouldn’t wanna be/havin’ brown skin and bein’ queer/you can’t see me/invisible/and divisible/my community -is…

tired of survivin’/strivin’/hard to stay alive when…all you ever hope for is to take another breath/that you don’t catch your death/no time to worry about cultural theft/bereft/of heritage/society’s no longer sparin’ kids/so why me? You buyin’ beamers a schemer with an HDTV and all I wanna do is breathe/some fresh air/eat food with no toxicity/complicity/you blame us for/but this capitalism is pimpin’ you/yep your the whore/and …my people…are…

tired of survivin’/strivin’/to stay alive when you got ends and wealth/but we have to live our lives in stealth and assimilate/to keep food on our plate/fork and knife/we get tired of life/strife/ all these signs/the confines/bein’ on the grind/ and you can’t see the injustice/ of the majority of brown men bein’ in the prison system/ and you pushin’ for the expansion of ‘isms/

DAMN I’m JUST tired of survivin/strivin’/to stay alive when all you can think about is amassin wealth and gettin benefits/when the only benefit I get is grime and grit/and my will to uplift/my people/to awaken sheeple and zombies/but you want to be wearin’ abercrombie/and handin’ us your truth/ while poisonin’ our youth…

Man I’ma survive/stay alive/fight with each breath til the day that I die/for justice/and the end to your privilege/and white-given birthright/til the day we all know we’re descendants of kings and queens/and our spaces reflect this/til poverty and inequality/we wreck this/check this…you got a powerful enemy…but if you wanna work through this you got a friend in me…cuz we will survive! And with each death we cultivate the will to stay alive/your foot won’t be on neck for long/ we’re gonna right all these wrongs/ this isn’t rhetorical/or metaphorical/ this sh* is going to end/the patriarchy, xenophobia, homophobia, racism, will fall…it’s up to us brown folks to pick up the phone …answer the call Get involved, get this sh* solved..we barely survivin’ but without comin’ together we can’t run…but crawl.

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Tonight, I want to talk to you from a place of Power.

Perhaps many of us know that surviving….waking up day to day is a miracle in itself. It’s our resistance as folks who are found carefully tucked away or perhaps violently shoved into the margins. Some of us know it’s a revolution when we can still find ways to support others when we ourselves are finding it hard to smile or eat or sleep or make it through another day.

Trans* people of color have disproportionately higher rates of incarceration, unemployment, and homelessness. We receive poorer quality health care (if any) due to multiple levels of discrimination and we are often victims of police brutality, domestic and street violence. Transwomen of color are murdered at a much higher rate.

Victims. The media, grant writers and fund developers always paint us as victims…what about those of us survivors? What about us trans folks of color who are living, ordinary superheroes who sit invisibilized in this movement 364 days of the year? Resisting behind the scenes, at the frontlines of your movements but at the margins of your minds and policies, inching ever so slowly toward our liberation with the few organizations that exist that are willing to make our needs, hopes and dreams a priority- like allgo and the Audre Lorde Project, among a handful of others.


Now, I said I was going to talk to you from a place of power but it’s important to begin by giving the proper context for this state that we’re in now. It’s also imperative to actually name the institutions and systems in place that are constantly trying to render trans folks, and more frequently, trans folks of color, powerless. Such as the legal system, institutions of education, foster care agencies, law enforcement and immigration, health care institutions, etc. And lets be more specific- the people in these institutions, holding up these systems.

It’s important to acknowledge that race further complicates this picture we paint of transphobia. Skin color further limits access to numerous systems we now need for every day survival. And many behaviors and interactions displayed by individuals and groups within the LGBT and queer community further lead to us trans folks of colors’ subjugation, exploitation and dehumanization and make it harder, and many times, impossible for us to survive.


Now that you have that background from the poem and intro…


As a brown, genderqueer I’m going to tell you what I know of my ancestors…your ancestors…our Trans* and queer predecessors because I feel it’s important for us to know who and where we came from if we are going to move from surviving to thriving. It’s important for us to understand our legacy so that we can better understand our power and purpose.

Remembrance is a form of resistance.

So let me tell you a story. Not his story not her story…but OURstory.

http://www.dancingtoeaglespiritsociety.org/twospirit.php


First Nations Elders tell of a people who were gifted among all beings because they carried two spirits, that of male and female. Some say that these individuals were looked upon as a third and fourth gender in many cases and in almost all cultures they were honored and revered. Two-spirit people were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, and the care givers. They were respected as fundamental components of our ancient culture and societies not just in the Americas, also in South and East Asia, the Pacific Islands, Africa and many other places around the world.

Many tribes were aware of the existence of two-spirit, gender-variant people and many still have a name in their traditional language for them.

There were rituals that determined if a child was two-spirited. Children of both genders would also spend time with healers, who were often two-spirit people. A Two-spirit child’s childhood was marked by acceptance and understanding by the whole tribe. Two-spirit folks were known to be able to 'see' with the eyes of both biological men and women. They were often called upon to be healers, mediators, interpreters of dreams, and some devoted their lives to the welfare of the group.

Two-spirit, gender non-conforming, and gender variant folks were revered for centuries. We had the gift of prophecy. We were messengers of the Creator. Keepers and teachers of spiritual principles. We were called upon to conduct burials, bless unions and births, and perform many, many other important ceremonies. Prosperity and even existence as a people depended on us and we were considered sacred.

Because we had both maleness and femaleness/masculinity and femininity totally entwined in one body, we were usually presumed to be people of power. Because we embodied both Mother Earth and Father Sky, and held both a masculine and feminine heart within our souls…two spirits…we were perceived as having twice the power.

As beings that transcended gender, we were thought to be better able to be fair. We were thought to be able to see into the hearts of both males and females. We were called on to be mediators. We were seen as bridges. Mediators between two worlds- that of Spirit and the human world, as well as mediators between partners, tribes and nations.

In older world religions the gods and goddesses in-between genders were viewed as whole-gendered and balanced.

Some say that two-spirit people are an affirmation of humanity’s pre-gendered Unity, the representatives of a form of solidarity and wholeness which transcends the division of humans into men and women. A third gender.

When people operate from a dual gender perspective, upholding the gender binary, one can only imitate the behavior of one the given two genders leaving no room for authenticity for those of us who don’t identify with either of these genders.

Transgender and Gender variant folks transcend conformity and in this patriarchal society set on two genders and the dominance of one over the other, we pay the price.

European colonialism has had a harmful effect on many transgender traditions all over the world. Occupation and religion has erased and destroyed a lot of our history and we have been forced to assimilate into a social construction that does not work for us. Will we continue to perpetuate it at the expense of being usurped of our power?

We have to continue to resist being othered. Resist marginalization. Question those boxes that we were not born to fit in.

We have been awakening to our Truth. It is imperative for us to continue reclaiming our cultural and spiritual roots even though our histories and our ways have been suppressed or, in some cases, completely destroyed during colonization and assimilation. We must continue to resist. We must refuse to be erased. We have to assume our rightful place as teachers, healers, and leaders.

Though I am a Trans* person of color, I am not a statistic. Though this day is about remembering those who have not survived, I am alive and already fully aware of the hardships that we face, through my own life experiences. I don’t need to read articles or theorize about what barriers I face. I live this every day.

Allies who are listening. Allies who have been deemed allies by the trans community, if you want to be a better ally…if you want to “help” us…help us to rediscover our legacy. Help us to rediscover our spiritual inheritance. Help us to stand in our power. Programs and services are great but they are not about autonomy. They are not about sovereignty. Help us find ways to develop our own leadership skills and abilities so we can reclaim our place among the leaders and healers of today. Help us to celebrate our cultural roots. Help us to acknowledge our predecessors . Help us to create a more just and equitable world no longer based on the colonizer’s ideas of acceptable gender roles and presentation. Challenge and smash the binary daily with your actions and remember us every day…whether we’ve passed on or if we are alive. Remember us invisiblized survivors that walk amongst you every day.

Queer and Trans* family. Let’s lift each other up and support each other. We need to be in solidarity. We need to take part in community/communal healing as self-care. Not that covertly individualistic happy hippy kind. The kind where we are patient, acknowledge and honor our struggle and pain. We need to work through our internalized transphobia, internalized sexism, internalized racism and other types of oppression. We’ve got to respect our bodies and honor ourselves. Share our stories and histories and nourish each other’s spirit in good company. Audre Lorde once said that self-care was not a self-indulgence but a form of self-preservation which is an act of political warfare.

Self-care is survival. Self-care and community care is resistance. 

And we need to survive. We need to rediscover our power and reclaim our birthright. We are beautiful beings. Powerful beings.

And white queer and trans* folks, acknowledge your privilege in this movement. See that your brown siblings, are suffering and take action to help them take steps toward their own liberation and autonomy.

No one can live with ease while others suffer. There can be no liberation while anyone experiences subjugation or exploitation.

We queer and Trans* folks cannot know our own complete histories without acknowledging those of our siblings. We cannot be whole without realizing we are only a part of the whole. A drop in the sea.

Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ Part 2

Guess what...

Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ Part 2:
The Group Journey
is available now!

Know some awesome folks who may want to bring in the New Year with a story about some rad, brown queers reclaiming and resisting? Not only will you be providing them with some awesome entertainment, but you'll also be helping in funding the making of this into a full-length book and helping to sustain the author.

*You can get a $5.00 discount off the combined amount of Part 1 and 2 by using this code: JOURNEY2014.
*If you've already bought Part 1, you can message me for a separate discount code!

You can buy Part 1 and 2 at my online store:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/afrogenderqueer

They will only be available for a limited time before I go back to the lab to make edits and emerge with the novella!

Read more about Part 1 and 2 here:
http://www.afrogenderqueer.com/#!genderqueerfiles/c160u

Please don't hesitate to message me about sliding scale discounts if you are experiencing economic hardship.

Thanks everyone! And as you think of holiday gifts please keep supporting art written by and centering the experience of queer and trans folks of color! It's just one way to confront the growing disparities that we face.

Healing and Solidarity,

Toi

AGQ

Philosophactivist

Joys of Job Hunting while Trans- Part 2

This weekend I immediately knew exactly why I didn't get hired. 

Because I'm trans. It's happened to me many times in the last few years, which is why I'm so certain. It always starts out the same...the HR Director calls you, becomes enamored, and you make it to the next round of interviews and woo everyone. You do well on all the screening and tests and they're excited. And then either I show up, in person, dressed in my usual “masculine” clothing and there's a shift, or another person comes in to interview me and even after all the smiles and the “go ahead “of the first two folks there's a shift. It's always something like, 'I'm not a good cultural fit' or there were better qualified candidates'...but this time I guess I was more sensitive to the shift that happened in the room on that fourth interview.

Maybe because the shift was so abrupt. I'd just spent all this time smiling and laughing and talking about my past as an organizer and how my food justice background fit in great with the company and she was practically talking like I'd already gotten the job. She was talking about me sitting on the diversity council and these different committees the company has. She also said I'd scored higher than anyone ever on the quiz they gave us. They also dug my creativity in the 2^nd interview.

And then, she called in her white, male boss.

He came in and looked at me. I didn't think he'd be a “problem.” He barely looked at my resume, thumbing through it, he asked the same questions she'd asked and apologized for it. Then he saw “TBTS” and that I'd “worked” there. He asked what TBTS is. I thought, well, surely someone had read my detailed description of my position with this resource guide for trans folks, I mean I'd come this far in the process. But my gut told me, this was not going to be cool.

I told them what it stood for, Trans Bodies, Trans Selves and that it was a resource guide for gender non-conforming folks. The interviewer who'd just interviewed me, my would-be supervisor kind of just stared but was trying not to make a face. Her supervisor's face changed visibly and he ended the interview right there and they said they were going to step outside and talk. I knew right away that this wasn't going to be good.

She came back in and her tone had changed. She asked if I had any questions. I said most had been answered in the last interview and she started apologizing for the long interview process, which I found odd. Then I remembered to ask her about start dates and she skirted around the issue and I knew for sure then that I hadn't gotten the job. They'd told us orientation dates at the last interview orientation, why was she not telling them to me now? She walks me out of the back room and tries to be nice and ask what I'm going to do for the rest of the day and kind of rushes me off saying she'd be in touch by Monday. She'd mentioned earlier that her boss's boss was out of town and they still had to go over the other pool of applicants together.

I walked home feeling confused and defeated. The next day (a day earlier than when she said she would get back to me) I got an email and I knew before I opened it that it was a rejection letter.

“[Legal Name that I'd told them I never use], thank you for your interest in growing a career with[company name].
The search to locate an ideal candidate for the position at [company name]has provided [company name]with many outstanding applicants such as you and we sincerely appreciate your time and effort. At this time we are proceeding forward with other candidates.
You are welcome to apply for any open position at [company name].”

So after rocking out three interviews and testing well, there were mysteriously better candidates.

I'm not setting foot in that place again. It's sad because there aren't any quality health/food stores around here and I will have to go out of my way to avoid not being a patron of this place.

I feel shame for even being upset about not getting this job. This is the very place that made me feel uncomfortable when I first moved to this side of town. I always felt like people were watching what I was buying, like, “oh...I didn't know brown people eat kale!”

I kid you not...a few weeks ago I had my headphones on (because it makes me feel more comfortable in that environment) and I was reeeeally focused on the particular section I was at and out of the corner of my eye I see a little old white lady flagging me down. I mean, trying really hard to get my attention. I slowly turn my head to see what's going on and she says something about liking my hat or my outfit or something.

Really?

Has your privilege and entitlement gotten you to that point? The point where you think everyone must stop what they're doing to acknowledge you and listen to whatever it is you have to say about their wardrobe? I've also had other choice moments of feeling uncomfortable that are too many to mention.

So why did I apply here?

You really want to know? I needed the money and I was close to doing work in the “informal economy”. You know, where a lot of trans folks end up. Those positions that are always hiring people like us.

The store called me back the next day after I'd completed my online application and I convinced myself that it would be great to work at a whole foods-like store while I also was picking up hours at the local farmer's market associated with my last food justice job.

Never mind that I had the sneaking sensation that I would be perpetuating this age-old assumption in Austin that brown people are here to serve white people. It's like...wherever you go, brown people are cleaning up after them, serving them meals, etc. So when they ask you if you work there when you know damn well you don't...well you know where that comes from.

There's this expectation that you, as a brown person, should be subservient. You don't see black and brown businessmen here hardly ever. Why? Because they aren't a good “cultural fit” just like I'm not a good “cultural fit”. And when they say that you aren't a “good cultural fit” that generally means that they can't say racist jokes comfortably in front of you or they feel like they won't be able to “relate” to your “people”. It means they can't make fun of queer people or other marginalized folks without getting called on it or fired. So better not to hire you at all.

I think there's also some HR theory somewhere that says that you can't hire a brown person unless you hire one or two others at the same time. Some kind of pseudo-critical mass. So when I looked around the group interview the other day, I thought, 'Uh oh'. But, then I saw that the others were mostly light skinned Latinas and I was a little more relieved. Dark brown, light brown- it's still pseudo-critical mass, right? Ahhh but I was the only female-bodied person in a tie and a men's dress shirt. But I made it through that interview. It was when I was alone in the fourth interview with the white man that all my identities...brown, queer, trans- oh and let's not forget the natural hair- became too much! Overload! I couldn't possibly be a good cultural fit.

I was down and out for a bit. Kicking myself for caring. Kicking myself for forgetting that this is how it goes for me. I thought long and hard, and the only paying jobs I've gotten in the last few years have been 1) Americorps VISTA and 2) phone interviews.

Would I have gotten those jobs had I shown up in person? I think we know the answer. They may have chosen another candidate who didn't challenge their perceptions. Or maybe they would have hired me to get “liberal” and “progressive” points. “Hey Bob...I totally hired a brown person today. And guess what! They were trans too! With natural hair!” *High 5s Bill and Randy*

Friends are down to help me fight this. They want me to go to the EEOC, the company's HR department, lawyers,etc. but I honestly don't have a lot of fight in me right now. I'm looking for jobs. I'm trying to survive. This is how they get us. They know we can't afford to deal with their bigotry.

And say I did fight this. Then what? Would they give me a job? Would I want that job? An elder told me the other day that the best thing I could do is get hired and through my work ethic prove that they were wrong about me. But, I'm over that. I'm not here to convince people that I'm a human being that deserves respect like everyone else. They have trainings for that.

I'm not here for that.

It reminds me of something a student said in a workshop I facilitated on Power and Privilege. A student, a black woman, said that it was the black man's responsibility to not be like the stereotypes that are out there...to go above and beyond the stereotypes. I asked the two other black men what they thought, and they agreed. I was shocked...but not for long. 

We can't survive with that mentality.

No. It is not our responsibility to prove to anyone who has these biases and prejudices that these false assumptions and expectations are, in fact, wrong. That makes absolutely no sense. White people aren't preoccupied with that. I feel like it's brown folks who are always wondering about what it means if they speak, dress, or act a certain way. I find myself constantly monitoring what I wear out in certain parts of town, if I wear my hair out in certain places, if my hands are visible enough in stores, if my clothing will attract the wrong kind of attention from cops or suburbanites, and the list goes on and on. I don't know what it feels like to not have these mental checklists regarding my appearance and its affect on other people's behavior. I just don't.

So then the shame. How dare I walk in to this bougie store full of white upper class people and expect them to see me for who I am. How dare I buy into the hype. How dare I think I'm human and not just some invisibilized object that serves, speaks when spoken to, or who moves out of the way when they want me to. A nobody who accepts that I can't have certain jobs because of who I am. My identity in itself is just too political. Why don't I erase some pieces of me, so that I can belong?

But I know more than anyone that I never can. I never will. I am brown. I am queer. I am trans. Many, many people in this world wish that I did not exist. They wish my words would fall on deaf ears. It's overwhelming sometimes when I think of how many people wish me not only jobless, but lifeless. How many people would take my life because of who I am. Because of who they think I am and what I represent.

It's a lot. And I don't want to smile. I want to feel this. I don't want to be delusional. I want to acknowledge this. And I don't want to just be content knowing that this job just wasn't for me. I want to be real and know that most jobs out there aren't for people like me.

But I'm here.

Joys of Job hunting while Trans- Part 1

As much as I wish that people were clamoring to hire me for a lucrative position at some ridiculously amazing think tank or organization, I have to be real and say that with this shining, stellar economy, pickin’s are slim. I can’t quite figure out which part of my identity is keeping me from landing jobs, either. Is it my skin color? Is it my visible queerness- i.e. transmasculinity? Is it the long list of queer-related or identity-oriented organizing on my resume? Is it the ethnocentric degree? All of the above?

Many don’t seem to realize the additional barriers present when I’m applying for jobs. Some think that it’s about toning something down. As if I could hide my transness, wipe off my brownness or have some skeleton of a resume, missing the last 5 years of the activism I’ve done. (Though you can be sure I've tried these things, unsuccessfully...all but wiping off the brownness, of course).

When did places start asking your gender (they mean "sex") and “legal” name? I didn’t realize how upsetting that can get after a few weeks. I mean…when I show up I’ve already set the stage for being misgendered and they’re calling me a name that hardly anyone has called me this decade. It’s annoying and it makes me feel shame. Shame for not paying the hundreds of dollars to have my name changed years ago. Shame for feeling shame that I don't look the way they expect me to look to call me by the proper pronouns.

Here's a true scenario-

at a four hour interview three girls and I showed up and the recruiter kept referring to our group as “ladies”.  “So glad we’re all a bunch of ladies…now I can talk about how proud I am that this company was started by ladies.” “Oh all you ladies get it…” etc. When I came into the back room for the group interview I panicked because they’d put our names on the desk and I didn’t see mine anywhere. I was just about to mention it when I remembered…hey, they probably put my legal name. I didn’t even recognize my legal name. Call it cognitive dissonance. It happens a lot lately.

I realize that I’m at an interesting impasse. As a "feminine-looking", masculine presenting person who has decided not to take testosterone or transition, people tend to just assume I’m a butch lesbian. The fact that I’m a different gender doesn’t really register, I find. I get it. But does the application process have to be so highly set up for me to fail? My cursor often hoovers over M or F. Well, if I say F…I’m lying and if I say M, they’ll think I’m lying when I show up at the interview.

I don’t want to put my legal name but it is still my legal name. I could just put what I go by anyway, but I’ve done that before and it’s been a bust. Prospective employers get upset when their paperwork has to be redone and they feel as if you’ve lied to them over something as “trivial” as a nickname. They don’t realize the gravity of it for trans folks. Sometimes we’ve spent decades trying to get away from a name that traps us in a gender that doesn’t match. I have no love for my legal name. It makes me feel hollow. It hasn’t been “me” in a very long time. Like- ever. So, having to always start there during the hiring process doesn’t make me feel all that great. In fact, sometimes I shut down. Sometimes I won’t apply at all. Sometimes I get really depressed and shame surfaces.

Some folks think that I should just be who the job wants me to be til I get hired. They think I should wear feminine clothing. Be less trans. But for me, that’s worse than just being me and not getting hired. At least then I know that the people who thought I wasn’t a good “cultural fit” were bigots. I remember being in my early 20s and having to dress the women’s dress code during the day and coming home and ripping off those clothes and throwing on an undershirt and basketball shorts or a dress shirt, jeans, and shoes from the "men's section" at night. It really began to mess with my head. Who was I? I didn’t want to keep up the charade so I completely started dressing in men’s clothing daily and I felt so much better. It was such a weight off my shoulders, not having to parade around dressed as a gender that didn’t resonate.

I was more confident and the guys I worked with saw this and respected me more. That’s a whole other conversation, though- being inducted into the boy's club (because I slept with women and then this being further cemented as a member when I started wearing ties). It wasn’t exactly what I was going for and once there, it definitely wasn’t what I wanted. Free lap dances at the strip club after work, hearing about them cheating on their wives or wanting to, hearing about how big so-and-so’s breasts were, all the time. Ah the financial industry! Full of bros and misogyny. Such not so fond times over a decade ago when men took me into their fold and thought they’d try to relate to my masculinity in every problematic way possible.

I guess that's another entry waiting to happen...

Stay tuned for part 2 of the joys of job hunting while Trans...I've still got interviewing to do.

Winning or Woes in the Workplace?

In starting this new, non-profit job I said to myself that I would bring all of me to the table. I said that now that I've got a position that I really care about doing work that I'm committed to in the community, that I wouldn't hide parts of me. I would be who I am. I stressed about this for days before I went to my first day of work. I thought about it constantly throughout that first day of training. I couldn't figure out how to say..."by the way...I'm trans." It just didn't seem to lend itself well to learning about food systems and food justice programming.

" Hey, do you have any trans people that come to your farmer's market because...I'm trans."

or

" Interesting thing that you should mention local food insecurity - I'm genderqueer."

So, I waited until the last possible moment as I was leaving work to catch my supervisor and basically...blurt it out. I think it was coherent for the most part. I had told myself that I was going to do this on the first day and that I wasn't going to wait around. As I began to talk about wanting my co-workers to know who I am and not wanting to have to leave parts of me at the door, I wonder what he thought I was going to say before I blurted out that I was gender non-conforming/ transgender. I saw his eyes kind of glaze over when I said gender non-conforming so I also volunteered the word transgender. He sat back in his chair as I continued to tell him my preferred pronouns- anything but she. His eyes were still kind of glazed over so I said "I prefer for folks to call me he, they, or just by my name." He mulled it over in his mind for a few moments and I didn't know how it had been received. He then thanked me for being comfortable enough to come out to him and said he'd ask a co-worker for guidance about how to deal with this as a director/supervisor. 

Then he said something that would continue to stress me out for the next 2 weeks+.  He said that he was going to follow my lead and leave it up to me to come out to the other 21 staff members. At first that seemed great. It took me a week to figure out that it was a lot of pressure to figure this out on my own. I thought about sending a mass email -

" Hey guys- I'm trans! Call me he or they. Thanks in advance!"

No...that wouldn't work.

I thought about telling a department at a time...or maybe one person at a time. The more I thought about this, the more tedious it seemed. And really stressful. Having to come out to one person at a time. Anticipating their reaction. Wondering if they were going to tell others- which would be welcomed if it would speed the process up a bit.

Last week my supervisor dashed to my desk before I could leave the premises to say that he wanted to walk me out of the office building. Hm. He walked me to the bus stop and we talked about my "coming out process" and how he could support. I said that I knew it was my responsibility to provide resources after coming out, and that I was working on that...but that I had no idea how I was going to come out to 21 people. I went over my ideas with him and he agreed that coming out through email wasn't a good idea and that there might be some legal issues with that.  I told him that I had also thought about coming out at the going away/welcoming party that didn't end up happening or at a staff meeting but that I felt that that would be awkward. I'd be completely on the spot and I'm sure I'd have so many questions directed toward me. That could be overwhelming.

We left the possibilities floating in the air. He reiterated his support. And as I sat waiting for the bus...I felt really alone. As I talked to friend after friend I continued to feel alone because who can really understand how crushing it feels not to be recognized for who you are (your gender!) day in and day out. 

Some days during meetings I am what I call "she'd" to death. She she she...her...blah blah...and I zone out. I zone out and shut down because I know that I should have just come out that first day to everyone so that I wouldn't have to deal with that. In my mind I have this inner dialogue about where I went wrong and then I say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I'm doing alright...at least I'm out to two people and that I should be patient with myself. A few of my friends have said the same thing. But it's still hard to have two out of twenty-one who know that I'm not down with being called "she." And even the ones who know my preferred pronoun(s) use the wrong pronoun(s) when we're in mixed company, though they stay away from any pronouns when it's just us. 

I know that it's going to take time and that I'm going to have to educate people if I want to create a safe space for myself. I feel overwhelmed with having to figure out how to come out to everyone and having to provide resources on top of training and gauging the office politics.

I also feel at times that I'm asking too much of the staff or like I'm inviting them into them to join me in my fairytale or something. I say this because I know I'm not what the average person would expect a trans person to look like. (I'm not on testosterone and I have a feminine face). I know it's a stretch for them to call me "he" and that asking them to use "they" is also a stretch. I'm asking 22 people to step out of their comfort zone so that I can be comfortable. I'm potentially creating an awkward atmosphere (at least when I'm in the office). I know that it could be a good learning experience full of teachable moments leading to more understanding about diversity or whatever...but...seriously, I just want to do this social justice work and go home sometimes. It seems daunting but I know I have to do this. I can't go on being "she'd to death" and not being my complete self. Living two lives. It's not just about proper pronouns, it's about me being whole in this place that I spend the majority of my time. It's about for once not feeling like I have this big secret that is weighing me down and trying not to wince when people make assumptions about my gender and who I am.

I thought it's important to blog about these types of battles because some people truly don't realize how difficult this is, even for organizers, activists, and other folks who may be out to so many others. It's not about "just" doing "x,y, or z". There are real threats in coming out at your workplace. I am fortunate in that my workplace is a non-profit with at least one queer person (other than me) and from what I hear from my supervisor, the staff is generally open/liberal/progressive. (But we've heard that before). You never really know how anyone is going to react and keeping optimistic about their reactions doesn't exactly curb your anxiety.

I'll keep you posted on my coming out process at work. For everyone who is dealing with this right now, I just want you to know I stand in solidarity with you and I know how difficult it can be, though I realize that my situation is not a worst case scenario. I hope that you have support from friends, family, or created family or some other support group. Feel free to reach out to me at gqstreetpoet@gmail.com, maybe we can reach a solution together.

Freedom of Speech and Anti-Trans sentiments

I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this. I've been spurred to write this because one of my favorite "radical" organizing zines posted an article by a known anti-trans "radical" feminist scholar in order to say that the tactics trans activists used to get her not to be able to speak in various venues was not supported by them. I was shocked. I was upset. I was confused...Was I really seeing this? People blaming the victim in "radical" media. Marginalized people coming out against an already marginalized group. And as I posted my response on the short thread of responses I thought...I'm the only trans one here. No matter what I say, no one is going to get why this woman's inflammatory remarks are more than just annoying. Nobody is going to get that her anti-trans agenda incites even more violence and discrimination against trans folks- a group that is already subjugated and misunderstood.

Here's the article posted:

https://apps.facebook.com/theguardian/commentisfree/2012/may/29/transgenderism-hate-speech

This woman, Sheila Jeffreys, says she is a victim and that she should be able to talk at whatever universities and conferences she wants and that trans folks are out to get her. This woman has published numerous works...spoken internationally. She has no problem being heard. She's even in judges ears telling them to not let trans children transition and collaborating with doctors and psychiatrists.

She says that her words are not "hate speech" but a "critique on transgenderism". Transgenderism? Last I checked a transgender identity wasn't an "ism" or as she calls it, a "practice".

This is the issue. Some feminists think that transwomen are further oppressing women...transmen are trying to gain power and are "choosing" this "lifestyle". Trans folks snap our fingers and have parts added and subtracted...and life becomes just peachy because- yay, now we can assimilate into the patriarchy and reinforce the gender binary. That was our plan all along. To gain power- if we don't get maimed, murdered or martyred that is. Yes, if we can just make it past THAT ( and the health disparities, unemployment, etc) we have it made. 

No one should be bullied or have death threats sent to them. (No, not even Ms. Jeffrey's).  But, groups should be able to keep anti-trans sentiments and hate speech from being presented on campuses and at certain conferences. I'm sure in a similar vein that the KKK doesn't want brown folks to exist and is against "negroism". Should they, too, be given a platform for their agenda? Both identities are murdered specifically because of their identity and sometimes because of erroneous portrayals. Oh but some will say...that's different. Don't conflate things.

No one's identity should be questioned and critiqued as part of some larger political statement while dismissing histories and realities. Not everything is black and white. Not everything can be explained away by some "radical feminist" philosophy.The truth is...you have no idea why anyone is trans. We are not some nameless, homogeneous group. There are more than just transwomen and transmen on the spectrum of gender variance. There are more reasons than "wanting to be male or female"..."not cutting it as our biological sex"...or "being crazy and misguided".  As soon as people begin to see this- maybe we can start an actual discourse. Because it's not actual discourse if you come to me with the thought in the back of your mind that I am crazy, diseased, wayward, upholding some patriarchy, a sell-out, etc.

That is all.

I will leave you with some of Ms. Jeffrey's most interesting commentary:

"The lesbian community needs to address the urgent political task of enabling lesbians to retain and love their lesbian bodies. If the suffering and destruction of lesbians is to be halted then we must challenge the cult of masculinity that is evident in such activities as drag king shows. We must challenge those forms of self-harm which are presently being promoted as progressive and liberating such as butch/femme roleplaying, sadomasochistic self-mutilation and the instruments, drugs and surgeries now being used to enable lesbians to ‘transition.' Though there has tended to be an attitude of liberal tolerance towards these practices on the part of many lesbians, which has allowed them to flourish, there has come a time when the very serious consequences of what have never really been ‘playful' behaviours needs to be recognised. There is a need to recreate the strong, separate, womanloving lesbian community which lesbians need in order to be proud and to thrive." From FTM Transsexualism and Grief- Sheila Jeffreys

The New Masculinity- Redefining ourselves, emerging from our cocoons

I've been processing a lot about my identity as a transmasculine, genderqueer person after attending the phenomenal First Annual Black Transmen Advocacy Conference in Dallas, TX. Here are some of my musings after such a transformational conference that has touched me in ways that no gender studies class or symposium ever could. My life has truly been changed forever, and I don't say that lightly.

Conference Epiphanies

The conference almost brought me to tears multiple times because it was so healing. I received all the affirmation I have never gotten because no one knew how to give it to me- not even myself. I heard all those things I needed to hear from people like me. It wasn't  psychobabble or intellectual conversations around gender identity by stuffy academics,etc. I heard from folks who live this experience and who are at the margins and intersections. Speaking real talk. REAL TALK.

I received validation for everything I’ve ever suspected about why it’s so incredibly hard to be black and trans. For instance: that transitions aren't a complete solution for everyone. They help brothers go "stealth" which can be a huge weight off with so much violence and homophobia within our community- but what about the mind? The spirit? Being trans isn’t just about your body despite what psychologists and doctors say. They have no idea. NO idea. For them, everything is solved with subtractions and additions of parts and a lifelong dose of hormones. To them...this is what makes you a man or woman. There is no room for emotional, mental and spiritual preparation and transformation.

During the conference I realized that I’ve been so afraid to be who I am – transmasculine– because of a number of things: my own perceptions of what it means to be a man (read: black man), the scarcity of positive black male role models in my life and the life of others close to me, my issues with reconciling my inherent masculinity and my radical feminist ideals, others' perceptions of what it means if I claim my masculinity (fellow feminists, girlfriends/partners, etc.), and lastly and most importantly, people not “letting” me be male. 

Let me explain. By "let", I mean people's interactions with me. Because of the way I look (female...and sometimes androgynous) people interact with me as such and expect me to interact as a female. There's not a lot I can do about this besides change my physical characteristics in order for others to see me the way I see me. Say what? People want me to cut off parts of my chest, take hormones that they have no idea in the future how they will affect me, go prematurely bald- all so that others can see me as male when I already see me as male?!

In short: Yes.

So when other's tell me to just be me and keep doing me, I just want you all to realize how dismissive this statement can be to me and other transfolks. Because, others' perceptions and the way they interact with us do affect us and how we move about in this world. Trust me. I know that people shouldn't be able to“let” me do anything. But, the reality is that I can't control interpersonal interactions without changing myself physically. Though this doesn't dictate who I can or can't be and what I do and don't do- others' perceptions and interactions can be limiting. This just being is honestly a recurring lesson and theme in my life as I unearth layer after layer of my complex identity as a brown, transmasculine and genderqueer, vegetarian, artist who practices spirituality other than Christianity. 

So many marginalized identities in this little vessel!

Defining Ourselves

A hard lesson for gender non-conforming folks is that people want to police you and your gender- especially within the LGBT community. Somebody pointed out during the Black Transmen Advocacy Conference that the LGB community is the worst for outing transfolks and saying trans people aren’t “real” men or women for differing reasons. Our own queer brothers and sisters invisibilize and marginalize us. Many people are always so concerned with if you are trans enough. Masculine or Feminine enough. As if their opinion is the deciding factor as to whether you are male or female. As if you "passing" (see previous post) to them is the societal litmus test for your legitimacy. But these ideas didn't fall from the sky. It comes from what some have labeled a "heteronormative" society (where heterosexual lifestyles are privileged) where there are specific gender roles and behaviors to be adhered to. Sometimes queer folks find themselves subconsciously mimicking or emulating these roles, other times they consciously mimic or emulate these roles. A concern is if there are expectations for the performance of certain gender roles crafted by a "majority" and forced upon the whole of society.

We can’t keep letting people hand us who we are and what our experiences are. Though this has been the formula, we’ve got to break free from that equation. (And by we- I mean black and brown transmen/women...the narrative is usually one of white transmen/women who invariably invisibilize us on top of that which already occurs on behalf of the larger LGB community).

We have to define ourselves. We have to create what we want to be- who we are. We can't keep taking our cues from social constructions on masculinity and maleness. They are damaging and exclusive. Honestly, when I looked around and saw what available models I had for masculinity- it arrested my development as a transmasculine person. I wish I would have known then that it was up to me to create a new masculinity. To become who I wanted to be. To not just reject society's roles, but make new ones and challenge them in substantial ways. I wish I would have known then that I could create my own gender. 

In terms of coming into my own masculinity all that need be said is that at the end of the day it's not about who's buying my masculinity because honestly, I was never selling it. People can deal with my gender expression however they see put and it's really not my obligation to explain why I am the way I am...or even who I am. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a person go up to a cisgender person (or a person whose gender and sex match up) and ask them why they are the man or woman they are ...or why they “became” that?

New Conversations on Black and Brown Masculinity

Trudy Askew: Butterfly Man

We need to begin new conversations on masculinity; black and brown masculinity, specifically. We need to have dialogue about what it means to each of us to inhabit "masculinity and maleness". We need to talk about where our cues and concepts for masculinity come from. We need to acknowledge that there is no one type of masculinity. It comes in a myriad of forms.

We also need to own that no one can show you how to become a man but that men can certainly be shown how to go about respecting a woman which should be inherent to being a man. A “real” man. Masculinity and femininity should not be antagonistic to one another. They should always complement each other like in the earliest of our human history. Like the Moon complements the Sun. Like Mother Earth complements Father Sky. Why are some black and brown men so invested in gender roles and power plays assimilated from the white patriarchy?

Yes, power is the issue. It is so divisive. It is important for communities of color to know that we have been operating under the white man's forced patriarchy in which men believe that because of their strength, intellect and limited/ lack of emotional expression that they are better, stronger- superior. 

I honestly believe the patriarchy has its roots (besides in biology and survival of the fittest) in the psychoses of a bunch of men who were treated badly by their mothers or female relatives and as retaliation (subconscious or unconscious- but retaliation none the less) women were forced to submit to them. The worst misogynists' have horrible relationships with the women in their family. Check out the psychology behind it. Perhaps if they could heal those wounds...we could go about healing the bonds between men and women. Black men and women. Brown men and women.

Transmen can often  perpetuate misogyny because of their dislike and/or hatred for the femininity within them and their past as female- a gender that is obviously wrong for them. A gender that they have been pigeon-holed into being. In rejecting this in and for themselves and in overcompensating by taking on stereotypical expressions of maleness and masculinity  transmen can sometimes develop a deep disdain for females and femininity. Not ALL transmen...some. This should not be used to overgeneralize or farther discriminate against transmen. I want to be adamant about that.

I don't like to compare marginalization because this can be harmful and dismissive  but I believe that a point can be made by talking about internalized racism and the sexism that can be seen in transmen. Something similar is at play. Black folks sometimes hate themselves and hate other black folks when they've internalized a hatred for blackness from society. Sometimes when transmen internalize a hatred for femininity and whatever it means to them to be female, sexism manifests. Much of the phobias we witness are about an insecurity with our own identity or an ignorance and intolerance of different identities.

This discourse on masculinity was happening in the black trans community and I was so refreshed. So relieved. Because in the white trans community, I felt like people were cool with being just trans for trans sake. Trans folks felt like being trans in and of itself was transgressive. To expand on this I do not mean taking on transgender for the sake of taking on being transgender- I mean  thinking that being trans is such a radical identity in and of itself and that just having analysis on being trans is enough. There's no need to connect the experience with larger, shared social issues with other communities- or even with the trans community with, say, trans people of color. The trans experience is being over-intellectualized and people are being so distanced from actual socioeconomic experiences. Gender theory allows for too much sterile observation and hypotheses. Gender is being talked to death but there is no application of ideas that come up during discourse. 

Also, the white trans experience has trumped trans people of color's experience. This is another factor that arrests development for some trans people of color. We go online and do research on transfolks and only get the white trans experience, which isn't ours- so there's no way that we could be trans, right? Also there are other issues in being out and trans which seems to be what white transmen push for. As they become visible as trans, there may be backlash...but they are still a white man with privilege. As soon as we transition to be black men, our lives get much more difficult- especially if we are trans organizers. There is a lot of pressure to stay "stealth" and invisible within communities of color, because who really wants the added marginalization and discrimination? It is hard enough to be a black man. Now you've got to worry about being accepted within your community, church, schools and jobs? Many say- No, thank you. And you know ...some white transmen call us cowards for that. Cowards. Because they have no idea the experience of intersecting identities of being a person of color and queer among other identities.


But a positive that comes from multiple layers of marginalization within black and brown queer communities is that there is more mobilization in our communities in terms of organizing for social justice. We have organizations like the Audre Lorde Project, Allgo, the Trans People of Color Coalition, the National Black Justice Coalition, and many, many more groups committed to addressing injustice due to racism, classism, sexism, ableism,etc. 


Black Transmen Inc is committed to so many different community efforts. Their motto alone: One is not a man he becomes one. Be the change you want to see in the world, speaks volumes about their commitment to their ideas on masculinity and maleness and their commitment to the larger community.

At the Black Transmen Conference we talked about uplifting and setting an example for other brothers, trans and otherwise. Some talked about being the "evolution" of men or at least being a bridge between men and women because of our past experience as women and our current status as men. We talked about eradicating misogyny and being empowered by our past as female and not being hindered by it or feeling like we had to reject it. We talked about spirituality. The conversation was so much richer than any other conversation with transmen that I've ever had and so full of hope and the promise for change. We were asked to create change and not settle for the definitions set before us.

I sit astounded at this whole idea that we are creating this new masculinity- one in which we don't perpetuate gender norms. One where we topple notions and conditioning of the white patriarchy.  One where we bridge the divide between men and women and heal the wounds of women and men of color in our communities. How refreshing. How inspiring. Who else will join in creating this new, old reality... because truly- all we're doing is going back to the feet of our foremothers and forefathers.

Ain't I a Man? I mean, I AM a man: My take on 2 Glenn Ligon: America pieces

Ligon's piece in the "America" exhibit

"I AM A MAN"- black bold letters contrasted against a white background assert. A recreation of a sign used at a strike during the Civil Rights Era hangs dauntingly in the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth. In 1968 hundreds of Memphis sanitation workers carried this very sign after two workers were crushed to death by a malfunctioning truck. Protesting deplorable conditions and negligence, workers organized to demand recognition of their union, better safety standards and a decent wage. The sign perhaps meant to them that they'd like to be acknowledged as men, no different because of the color of their skin. Men who deserved equal rights, equal treatment.

Photo from the 1968 Memphis sanitation worker strike

I'd seen it a few times when doing online searches. I'd glanced at it a few times during the guided tour at the exhibit, but as I continued to look at all talented Glenn Ligon's other works it began to register in a whole new way- especially when I saw his stenciled print "Passing". (unfortunately I could not find this print anywhere online. Probably because it did not speak to others or did not seem relevant to those who have actually posted or written about his work- read: white folks).


As I looked at the queer black men and women surrounding me, having their own private revelations, I allowed myself to have one of my own.


This work had a completely different meaning for me than these black men and women whose presence I'd found so much solace in at the beginning of our journey into Ligon together. I was giddy (yes, giddy) at the large number of queer, brown folks who had come to BlaqOut's reception and guided tour. For those first moments I felt so connected to them- connected by the opaque color of our skin and our overall "Black/Brown experience." (Experience of oppression from white people).


I reveled in how I hadn't been in a room with so many black and brown queer folks enjoying art - ever. Though Oakland was the first place I'd been in multiple predominantly brown spaces inclusive of queer folks- it was still not "our" space. But sometimes we made it ours... or it became ours by default. 


Maybe the larger (meaning white) LGBT community has slowly overtaken my consciousness, making me believe that these spaces should be separate- just like it is for them...


It makes me think of a black history month article I recently wrote. I told the "powers that be" that straight African Americans and queer African Americans don't necessarily have separate black history events and that I'd need to write about the "straight" events, too. I mean- they were 98% of the events and just because straight folks were there, didn't mean queer folks weren't going to show up.


I don't think my point was fully processed by them, but I got the go ahead and the article was published. Although all my explanations about the queer black community, the lack of segregation around black history events, and my brief commentary on segregation in the LGBT community and the need for white allies to come out and support those black history events (and POC organizations- even financially) were, to my surprise, mysteriously missing when I opened the paper that day. 


My article had been butchered. Cut in half and now was only a shadow of its former self. Now it was only a listing of Black history events. An ad covered the whole bottom half of the same page. I tried not to see this as a racist act. I tried to push this off on economics- capitalism. After all, they needed to pay the bills...right? Sigh. What a wake up call for me. I wish I could hit the snooze button.


The people I'd interviewed were as shocked as I was, especially being that I read to them what I was putting in the article. The powers that be said it was a space issue. I think that's partially true. Space...and politics.


                                             I AM A MAN


I've written my experiences of being a brown, transmasculine/ masculine of center person. (Female-bodied). You can see my article on that here. It can be a frustrating experience.


In Dallas, I've had the sobering experience of being "read" as female 80% of the time. In Oakland (depending on what neighborhood) I probably was read as female 50% of the time- which tapered off when I started seeking out queer spaces.


I was spoiled in NYC- being read as male 75% of the time- genderqueer in queer spaces in Brooklyn or at the many queer symposiums and conferences. 


But Dallas- I'm adjusting. Unfortunately I'm getting used to the Lesbian/Gay dichotomy. "No" bisexuals, "no" transgender folks. I'm getting used to being seen as lesbian- and just black- not brown. You see, there's only room for lesbian and gay here. Only room for Black and white. Male and female. I can't be upset about that here- I don't pass. I don't fit what it means to be a man here.


That's just the way it is. I can't come down here with my fancy gender analysis and queer theory inherited from a liberal arts college and NYC. I can't just come down here with my leftist, semi-anarchist, brown activism and queer manifestos that have rubbed off from Oakland and expect to be taken seriously.  No, not here in the South. They say I belong "up north", over in the east, or back out west with all that. Or Austin- the liberal bastion  (and in my opinion, mirage) of our third coast.


As I sat looking at "Passing" repeated multiple times in jet black on a lily white background until the paint stuck in the stencil, blurring the word and making the canvas black like the lettering- I realized, to my chagrin, that here- I'll never pass. I'll always be black "against a sharp white background"- and though I'm partially using Zora Neale Hurston's quote about race, I don't only mean race here. I mean race and gender.


In some cities- some states- maybe even 80% of this country- I will never, ever pass. To society "at large" I am not a man. My features are "too feminine". My eyelashes too long. My voice pitch is too high. My ass is too round- ethnically round and ever-so-there. Even though I am not necessarily feminine, people's expectations are for me to be.


Most will place me where they want to place me. Give me female pronouns- talk to me about "female" or "womanly" things- and I will dip back into my past socialization as a female and unwittingly comply with their erroneous expectations for me. I know that most won't understand pronoun preferences and that it's almost ridiculous to expect all folks to see me as I see myself.


It's humorous that with people of color I am less agitated and more forgiving about this. Is that insulting? I say insulting because I don't expect people of color to know the difference between a gender non-conforming/genderqueer person and a lesbian or gay person. Not unless you are a transitioning transman- which I'm not.


So- I can't be taken seriously, right? I must not want to be if I am not on T (testosterone) or taking the proper steps to become a man. If I wanted to be treated like one, if I wanted to be taken seriously as one- I'd take the proper steps like so many others. 

Then maybe I could be "stealth" and never have to deal with those issues again (outside of my mind, that is). But, I guarantee that the preoccupation with passing does not go away. I'm sure it's always there in the back of your mind. No matter how long you've "passed" for.  
A fear that somehow you'll be found out. Your packer (prosthetic penis) might shift at a weird angle or fall out in the bathroom as you relieve yourself. You may skip "T" for too long or want to go off T and your voice pitch might change slightly. Maybe you won't bind your chest as well one day. 


Even when you get all the surgeries there's always that ONE person who will go out of their way and insist on reading you as the sex you were born with, despite your many efforts. Despite the thousands of dollars you spent on testosterone, gender reassignment surgery, counseling, a new wardrobe- a move to a new city/state/country.


Unless you find a bubble- maybe a queer bubble. Even then this does not guarantee 100% acceptance of how you identify. Indeed, it might even be worse because the LGB community can be downright hostile to transfolks. That's right. There's no true alliance there. No allegiance. We're not all one under the queer rainbow despite what the acronym feigns with such short distance between the L-G-B and the T.


Many lesbians think transmen "want" to be men- hell, they think this about butches/studs/AGs. They don't accept transwomen either, because they "used" to be men. Lots and lots of transmisogyny and transphobia. We're never accepted for who we really are- our body parts that we were born with dictate everything. 


Many straight people are the same. No solace there either. 


And don't you DARE be out of the box. No "new" labels allowed. You're complicating things. Now you're just a snooty, overeducated/degreed hyperaware hipster. Who, by the way, is confused. If you can't pick a box and stick with it you will be relegated to the "confused" box because you don't know who you are. Period. Exclamation point!


As a matter of fact- don't know anything about anyone else's culture. Don't identify as a different gender. Don't identify as more than one race or ethnicity. Just don't. There's no room for that. (Unless you're white with intentions on appropriating or exoticizing).I know all this from firsthand experience. There's no room in the margins, silly. Have you not read Anzaldúa or any black feminist or brown lesbian writings? Intersections should be erased so we (and by we I mean they) can see the bigger picture- assimilate. Pass!


So no- I will not be read male, or multiracial. Everything I do will astound the masses because I live in the space between society's categories... and boxes. No label truly fits me. 


And you should check yours...does yours truly fit? Or are you just passing?

Trans Rites of Passage

I've been thinking about this topic quite a lot lately. For many cultures this is a defining point - a transition from one status to another. Many times it's a transition from childhood to adulthood and full inclusion into a social group. One of the first men to write about this (Arnold van Gennep) proposed that there were three phases: separation (pre-liminal), transition (liminal or threshold), and reincorporation (postliminal). I remember how fascinated my anthropology professor was when we got to this part of Cultural Anthropology...eyes all a-bulge. Flailing his arms talking about rituals and ceremonies marking this transition from a previous world into a new world. Immediately I think about similar traditions here in the U.S. such as bar and bat mitzvahs, rumspringa, vision quests, quiceaneras and sweet sixteens. It's such a special (and sometimes especially annoying) time. It's so awkward and painful and sometimes the "honorees" don't want to make a big deal of it. Some families even go into debt because of these events.

And then I think about what the equivalent of this would be in the queer or LGBT community. Our "coming out" is rarely similar to the debutante balls of the same name. The rite of passage is usually something we come to terms with within our self- and then start to tell others. Maybe it's joining a group on campus or in the community that is specifically LGBT. Maybe it's telling family members or close friends. When we come out that closet we are separating ourselves from the straight/heterosexual world we may have once thought was the only world that existed and transitioning through self-education or support from loved ones or our created family and then, re-incorporating ourselves back into society with this new-found sense of self.

Now lets think about the trans and gender non-conforming equivalent. Sometimes it's similar to above and other times it involves physiological changes. Sometimes we modify our bodies in order to feel whole; now matching our bodies to how we've seen ourselves. Other times it's not about physically transitioning and it may be changing our names on a birth certificate or other types of identification or telling our co-workers and family members to call us by the proper pronoun. Sometimes it may be about forming alliances with others like ourselves and organizing for our community or none of the above.

This society at times places so much weight on gendered coming of age events. But where is the bar mitzvah for the trans boy? Where is the quinceanera for the trans girl? And for those of us who came out much later...where is our "coming of gender" (not age) event? Hmm hope it's not the parties we have to throw to fundraise for our transitions.

I wish that more of us supported each other in coming out. I know that a lot of us don't have much money or are unemployed because of our gender, so this makes this much harder. I wish there was a trans fairy who would leave us a card under our pillow once we've decided to come out. Or maybe an organization or group that would write to us personally congratulating and welcoming us. It's such a tough, tough decision.

Perhaps if we had more support there'd be less transgender folks committing suicide. We can't all move to NYC or the Bay...a lot of people in rural areas are feeling really alone. Some are rewarded with beatings or being kicked out of the house when they have their realization about being gender non-conforming. A far cry from parties and debutante balls.

Being torn from our families, ostracized in schools, and then disappearing to re-acclimate into this heteronormative society (and sometimes even hostile LGB and queer communities) is a very common experience.

As trans and gender non-conforming people of color, our networks are much smaller and we have much less support from families and our own communities and the LGBT community at large. We face more violence and more disparities in education, housing, and in health care. Sometimes our families ask us why the heck we didn't decide to stay in the closet. Why did we "choose" to be trans when we were already at such a disadvantage because of our color? And that is our rite of passage experience. More close to those of tribes in other continents than to fellow Americans. Some of us stumble through the wilderness in search of ourselves with no guide...no mentors...no support. Some of us scar up our bodies to deal with pain and remind ourselves. And then some of us have the privilege not to go through any of this.I don't know many trans folks that haven't experienced some form of discrimination and I probably know even fewer who had a party thrown in honor of discovering themselves.

I am so glad that there are more trans and trans people of color conferences and organizations that are allowing more of us to come together for education and support. Maybe in the future these conferences and events will be a rite of passage...like attending the gay pride parade with less glitter and more clothes.