New Beginnings, Same Old Struggle for Existence

Here I am, sitting in my new place in the DMV (DC/MD/VA) thinking of how I got to this place after all these years. Six months ago I was in Puerto Rico living a life of struggle but trusting that the ancestors would give relief. And they did. I spent the latter part of the spring and most of the summer back in Austin recuperating from all I witnessed and experienced in la isla del encanto. I was disenchanted with many ways that things transpired over in that colony but so appreciative of the friends that were there to help me when I needed them most.

Housing insecurity has been something I have been coping with for the last few years and it is definitely not a big secret that many folks of color, especially queer and disabled folks of color, deal with this frequently. So- now I'm sitting in an apartment in the DMV grateful for shelter though largely disappointed in the management company hopefully is not preying upon low income folks by offering subpar housing to those of us who have no other choice because we don't have the best credit due to our economic insecurity. Our survival is of no consequence to many management companies. We are just a piece of another fat paycheck.

I'm sitting here freezing in my living room where the heat doesn't work and during late summer, the cold air wouldn't circulate. They just had to knock down a part of the wall to fix the piping that was leaking and had the wall rotting. And don't even get me into other aspects of this place. We spent the first month and a half of living here with maintenance in and out of our apartment for repairs that should have been done before we moved in.  Lots of times management companies expect us to appreciate that because at least it is semi-affordable and they accept section 8 and guarantors. These are some of the only apartments that seem to have open doors to us low-income folks, so those of us without many choices must put up with it. I've been in conversations over the past month with different managers and higher ups and I will write about that soon- especially about the issue of my limited ability as a person with chemical sensitivities and an autoimmune disorder and their blatantly misleading residents to believe they are a smoke-free community. Disability injustice. (**update: though management says they sent out a notice to everyone about not smoking in common areas, we didn't receive one in our mailbox and there are no signs to indicate that there are smoke free areas or that this quadrant is smoke-free, which I discussed over a month ago with the manager).

Folks, be careful when you are apartment hunting and you find apartments that seem to be a steal. I will keep you updated on the saga and be looking out for an article on housing justice and the experiences of our community and similar situations in a few media sources.

In other news,

I have been writing a zine entitled Survival and Sustainability as required reading for the Food and Urban Change class at the University of Texas at Austin and I am really loving doing research for new essays. This weekend I am finishing up the last of the essays. One is entitled TransVisibility, Survival and Solidarity and speaks about economic insecurity and food insecurity within Queer and Trans communities. The other is entitled Sankofa, Survival and Sustainability and speaks mostly about the African diaspora, our agricultural legacy and white supremacy within the sustainability movement (especially the food justice movement). It has felt amazing to be writing again after so many months of struggling to survive. My job right now is pretty soul sucking but it is paying the bills and I have shelter which allows me to focus a bit more on writing about the injustices black and brown and QTPOC communities face. Being here so close to the capitol (and cradle of colonialism) just deepens my commitment to voicing the Truth about what we deal with day to day. Finding a job that sustains me here in this astronomically priced place has been sobering. I've been so close to being hired and I can't help but wonder if my trans identity, or my natural hair, or my blackness, or my resume with so many organizing jobs is what keeps me from having a paycheck that actually signifies my true worth. Or is it...here $11 an hour is what they think I'm worth?

I'm working at this job where I get misgendered and called by my birth name all day every day, which is violent. I'm being subjected to air fresheners and toxic cleaners even though I've said I have chemical sensitivities. I sit for sometimes 12 hours a day with no true breaks, though this is against labor laws and I have talked to my supervisor about my limited ability due to my lupus diagnosis. This is America folks. The marginalized have fewer choices every day. I could choose to be housing insecure again. I could choose to only write and do what I believe in...but that would also be choosing to struggle to pay for my life-sustaining medicine and to feed myself food that won't exacerbate my autoimmune disorder, like I had to do in Puerto Rico.

Every day I wonder if there is a better way. If I am doing something wrong. And every day, the answer is still the same...I was born brown and gender non-conforming in a white supremacist, homophobic and transphobic country. My ancestors were the first capital in this capitalistic nation. My marginalized life does not matter and my existence is inconsequential to the running of this country. Audre Lorde said that we were not meant to survive and every day that I had to eat only one meal or lived near a grocery store with food I couldn't afford or a clinic I didn't have access to, I felt her words. Every time I go for a job interview, I know the deal. I know what it means to not be a good "cultural fit" for these non-profits, and NGOs. I know there can only be one token and I'm tired of fighting other trans folks for the few trans jobs where I can be all of me. And they keep encouraging women and QTPOC to apply for these jobs, yet expecting all these years of experience and master's degrees or doctorates, even. It's a joke. They don't really want us. They want the thought of us so they can appear "progressive". They want our voice only if we are saying what they want us to say and if we can get our communities to nod their heads along to their agendas.

Caring about sustainability in the face of not being able to survive or exist- you have to laugh. I have so much more to say. So much more to get off my chest. But, be on the lookout for a few new zines over fall and winter for those words.

And check out Queering Herbalism and the Herbal Freedom Schools. I've got a few new volumes coming out soon.

Healing and Justice,

AGQ


**Update 10/27/15**

I spoke with some folks in management and admin. They came to our apartment and heard us out and promised to fix what needed to be repaired- starting with the AC unit. For the past few weeks they have repaired things little by little as we have had to coordinate schedules. It is unfortunate that we spent the first month dealing with repair after repair but we are glad that management has taken notice and this is being taken seriously. The heat is working (though the vents make a weird noise and my vent is still not fixed) and there are some seriously drafty windows in my room that, I kid you not, make it 10 degrees cooler in my room than the rest of the house. I have two quilts on my bed now to deal with it on the colder nights. We are waiting to hear back on scheduling the last of the repairs (a few not mentioned here) and on the rent situation. We haven't seemed to hear back on the latter, though we were told that the situation would be taken care of. I guess we need to wait for November's statement to confirm that they've kept their word on the decrease. I'll keep you posted. I hope to collect some feedback from a few residents. One of my lyft drives was lamenting about living here when he came to pick me up and my co-worker shook her head when I mentioned that I lived here...we had a long conversation about the experiences of her friends living in this complex.

Once again, a housing justice article has been in the works for a few online media sources!

Shutting it Down Without Shutting Down

So, it's the holidays. You just want to sit down and spend time with the fam/loved ones/ yourself and not have to think of cities burning, police violence...injustice. You turn off Facebook, the TV, and stay offline for self-care because remembering hurts. Seeing so blatantly that black lives don't matter to many with institutional and positional power, the power to make many decisions that affect our day to day lives and well-being, shakes you to the core. And deep down you already knew this, you knew this before you were born. It is part of our DNA.

Those of you who are retraumatized by all that is happening, I hope and pray you find balm for those deep psychic wounds with friends and created family and in community.

Those, like me, with chronic illness perhaps sitting at or being pushed to the margin of these movements because you can't physically be on the frontlines , know that you are enough and you are doing enough. Your healing IS part of these larger movements.

Another way that those of us not having the mental, emotional or physical capacity to be in the streets can take part, besides in taking care of ourselves and our loved ones, is to not shop today. One day. No matter how great the sale, it is not worth the cost.

Help those putting their bodies on the line to shut places down- cities, stores, highways, by simply not purchasing a single thing today.

Help #ShutItDown

It's part of the healing this country needs.


For more on trauma and DNA:

http://discovermagazine.com/2013/may/13-grandmas-experiences-leave-epigenetic-mark-on-your-genes
http://thegrio.com/2012/04/24/study-shows-violence-changes-the-dna-of-children/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/04/140413135953.htm

Historical trauma and microaggressions:

http://www.acesconnection.com/blog/historical-trauma-and-microaggressions

Healing collective and multigenerational trauma:

http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/12/02/healing-historical-trauma-through-promoting-traditional-culture-mainstream-medicine
http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/love-and-the-apocalypse/free-yourself-from-the-past

http://www.healingcollectivetrauma.com/links.html

Info on Ferguson:

Open letter
Updates
Give to the Defense Fund
Ferguson Rapid Response Giving

#blacklivesmatter:
A Her story of the #blacklivesmatter movement

Also...this:
Ain't I a Human?: Ferguson and the Negligence of Black Women, Femmes and Girls
Sympathy, Outrage and White Humanity: Reflections on BDS, Anti-Black Racism and Justine Sacco 
We are NOT all Trayvon: Challenging Anti-Black Racism in POC CommunitiesBlackness is the Fulcrum
Things To Stop Being Distracted By When A Black Person Gets Murdered By Police

THE 14 TEENS KILLED BY COPS SINCE MICHAEL BROWN

Queer. Brown. Economic Sovereignty.

For years and years the struggle has been all too real when searching for employment due to my genderqueer presentation and, well, being black/brown in the south. Being bilingual has always been a saving grace- or well, it used to be before my gender expression changed. Recently, as I've been trying to sell my books and zines to get into a stable living situation and take better care of my health, I've been thinking about queer and brown communities and our constant struggle to sustain ourselves and not only keep steady employment but actually get more than our foot in the door (and not as a consumer/customer or at a cash register or serving a table). I am loving the move to train our communities to have the skills necessary for green jobs, tech jobs and jobs as holistic healers (such as the few doula and qtpoc birthwork projects that exist). It's a revolution. Though there are some QTPOC entrepreneurs that have been successful, there are a whole lot more of us hustling and on the grind and barely making ends meet. Sometimes it is due to lack of skills and trainings, other times it may be due to lack of education (if we've had to drop out of high school, for instance). And I'd venture to say that a lot more of the time it's due to other people's ignorance and discrimination which can lead to the aforementioned reasons.

So naturally it would make sense for us to take our skillsharing to another level so we can go ahead and start that business or be in a management position or develop that product. A lot of times we're forced to just take what we can get and we are not the charters of our economic destiny. Sometimes sex work provides a bit more independence, oftentimes it doesn't. Selling our art may pay the bills, oftentimes we're still on the grind. So anything that will put us in a better economic position and not cause us to have to take out tens of thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans is something I can get behind.

Sovereignty. Economic autonomy. It feels so good just typing that. I want it for everyone.

Some projects, organizations, and groups committed to economic sovereignty for our communities

I want to just briefly list some projects, organizations, and groups committed to economic sovereignty for our communities. They are providing opportunities for training, education and skillsharing:

Trans*H4ck 
We shift the ways trans*, gender non conforming, agender and non binary people live by creating technology that economically empowers, improves access to social services, promotes gender safety and community sustainability, while bringing visibility to trans* tech innovators and entrepreneurs.
 

Trans Tech is a revolutionary social enterprise seeking to empower the Trans community through education. We recognize the unlimited potential for growth in what we offer, how we offer it, and who we offer it to.  Our trainings are delivered on-site or online.  Our curriculum focuses on empowerment, education, and employment

Lesbians Who Tech  have a summit and they are a community of queer women in or around tech who seek to be more invisible to each other and others, to get more women involved with technology, and connect lesbians who tech to LGBTQ and women's organizations who are doing incredible community work.

The LGBT Technology Institute is a tax-exempt not-for-profit organization conducting cutting edge research at the intersection of LGBT communities and technology and creates resources, tools, and programs to support LGBT communities.

Queer Women of Color Media Arts Project (QWOCMAP) promotes the creation, exhibition and distribution of new films/videos that address the vital social justice issues that concern queer women of color and our communities, authentically reflect our life stories, and build community through art and activism.

We actively invest in, develop and nurture the creativity of emerging media artists who are Asian/Pacific Islander, Black/African American, Chicana/Latina, Native American and Mixed-Race lesbians, bisexual, queer and questioning women in the Bay Area.

QWOCMAP provides training, screening opportunities and resources free of charge to guarantee full access to our traditionally underserved community, particularly low-income and immigrant queer women of color.

Initiatives and Funding:

Transgender Economic Empowerment Initative
L.A. Transgender Economic Empowerment Project

Brown Boi Project works to build leadership, economic self sufficiency, and health of young masculine of center womyn, trans men, and queer/straight men of color--pipelining them into the social justice movement

3rd Space Support - an initiative with the Audre Lorde Project
The 3rd Space Support program seeks to work with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Two-Spirit, Trans and Gender Non-Conforming People of Color (LGBTSTGNC POC) who struggle with issues around employment, education, health care and immigration status. It is a place to give and receive sustainable support; where creation, invention and innovation will be practiced.  We will draw from our resilience to support ourselves.

Within this 3rd Space we hold on to the idea that LGBTSTGNC POC communities have always found ways to support each other and survive outside of systems.  The 3rd Space Support program hopes to encourage and create space for these organic methods of community support and community building around employment, education, health care and immigration status to continue.
At the same time, ALP acknowledges that LGBTSTGNC POC community members also engage within systems to find support and get their needs met.  Therefore, ALP will also engage with these systems to provide advocacy, resources and referrals for community members around the issues, employment, education, health care and immigration status.

Trans Justice Funding Project

Sustaining Ourselves Together

I'm certain there are many more informal groups and organizations that are working together to help each other survive. Since the beginning of time, wherever there is struggle, there are people coming together to support each other through it. I know in my darkest times when I've been searching for employment and dealing with discrimination I've felt very isolated in my efforts. Sometimes queer folks of color have access to spaces that have employment initiatives but that lack racial analysis and are racist. And sometimes other places are seriously transphobic or homophobic.   And when we get up the spoons to go to an LGBT resource center, we might still deal with racism or classism. Other economic projects might be underfunded. Or maybe we don't live in a queer mecca and don't have access to LGBT resource centers or the few visible economic empowerment initiatives. Maybe we don't have the desire or the resources to move to these metropolitan cities with these programs and initiatives.

So what can we do on a smaller (but no less impactful) scale within our smaller friendship circles to establish some sense of economic power? I've seen folks who are really innovative and who have night markets where folks who sell art, books, clothing, food, soaps, herbal medicine, etc. come together to sustain themselves.  I've seen folks who independently sell their work and wares- even plates of food from their homes.

What do I mean when I say economic power, anyway? I mean having control over our economic situation in tangible ways like being able to pay for our housing and health care and that of our family members. I mean, not being exploited by companies who give you the minimum pay while they get the maximum profit through your work effort. True, it's capitalism and many of us have no choice to engage with it. But economic power is about having the choice of how to engage with these systems, your work ethic not being exploited, and you feeling as if you can sustain yourself through your work effort. It's not being worked into the ground for peanuts and not being provided health insurance while your well-being suffers. For some of us it means finding ways to create our own positions and small businesses or side gigs and for others of us it means divesting from these systems completely in whatever ways we can.

I'd like to see more spaces created for groups to come together where we can talk about the ways we QT*POC can support each other economically like Audre Lorde Project's 3rd Space Support. Our ancestors undoubtedly had many ways that they came together for mutual aid. Collectives and cooperatives were born out of their struggle though we see less visible POC representation in them these days. We're still there though and POC collectives committed to sovereignty do still exist. Check out Dr. Gordon-Nembhard's book on the history of African-American cooperative economic thought and practice.

Visionary questions:

• How will we find ways to sustain ourselves economically as individuals and communities? 
• What's the work we need to do within ourselves and within our communities before we can build a more cohesive economic justice movement centering those who are the most marginalized?
• How do we bring together organizations and community members dedicated to working on queer and trans* rights, racial justice, economic justice and policy and advocacy in substantial and more impactful ways? Do you already know some examples of this?

and most of all-

what is our vision for what it would look like for us Queer and Trans* folks of color to have economic sovereignty?

I personally want to see the creation of more access to holistic medicine paths for our communities. I want to see more accessible (by this I also mean affordable) trainings for birthworkers, herbalists, naturopaths, traditional chinese medicine and ayurvedic practitioners and even more access to our community members to sit at the feet of elder curander@s and other healers and spiritworkers.

I want us to have more access to training to be in positions to help our communities build worker-owned cooperatives and credit unions.
I want to see us get access to learning liberation permaculture and how to start organic farms and sell sustainable products and build sustainable homes and architecture.
I want to see us running our own free schools and universities.
I want to see us starting our own art programs and valuing art integrated with healing work.
I want to see us learning more about community organizing and training each other.
I want to see more of us doing work in technology and other innovative industries.
I want to see us helping to fund each other's education and businesses
I want to see us knowledge sharing and working together to help each other discover our power and let each other know that we are not alone in our visions of this work. We don't have to deal with racism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, ableism in the 'workplace'. We can create alternative economies and employment more representative of us, our work ethic and visions for the work we're passionate about and the changes we want to see for our communities.

Here's more info on the current economic situation for QPOC:

The State of Gay and Transgender Communities of Color in 2012
American LGBT Workers of Color Are Part of a Broken Bargain 
Injustice at Every Turn: A look at Black Respondents on the National Transgender Discrimination Survey
Black and Transgender: Still on the Margins
Why Centering Race in Transgender Advocacy is Key To Equality for All
Remember the closing of Queers for Economic Justice?

Afro-Genderqueer at the Austin African American Book Festival Showcase

Here's the audio and transcript for Saturday's Austin African American Book Festival Showcase. I'm excited and, at least, less nervous than I was about tabling and talking about my books there. This is bigger than me, I have to remind myself. And there will be at least one other QTPOC writer and some 'allies' present. I won't be alone.

Here's the audio:
https://soundcloud.com/toi-s-1/aabookfestival2014audio

Transcript:

"Well, hello hello...

I'm Toi Scott, author of Notes from an Afro-Genderqueer 1 and 2 and Philosophactivism volume 1 and 2.

So, a little bit about the Afro-Genderqueer moniker...
Being black and queer are two defining identities that heavily influence my perspective. These identities affect how I move in this world. I struggle for visibility as Trans* and genderqueer or gender non-conforming in communities of color and as black in the LGBT/Queer community and as someone who is deeply spiritual and someone who connects with nature-based spirituality  and the spirituality of my ancestors. Essentially, every identity is the antithesis of who we've been socialized to believe should have value in this society.
I should not exist. People like me are not meant to survive. Using "Afro-Genderqueer" is my way of establishing visibility and asserting what I'm about. Who I am in these spaces and at the intersection of marginalized identities.

Though I write from a black, queer perspective- giving voice to those intersections- I also write across issues. Giving voice to common struggles like economic injustice, environmental injustice and racism, food injustice and apartheid, and the struggle to be heard and to be all of our identities- as Audre Lorde ( a black lesbian poet and author) wrote frequently about.

History is also very important in my work. In all my writings I focus on helping folks to see the history of our many struggles- the historical context. Especially institutional and structural racism and the way it affects many aspects of our lives from employment to access to food to clean air and water, healthcare and even our perceptions of Self and the many manifestations of internalized oppression (such as internalized racism, internalized sexism and internalized homophobia).

Solutions are extremely important. We can find a lot of what's wrong in this world- or with our communities in the media, online and in print. We don't need help determining our oppression or that we're oppressed- or what they call that 'foot on our neck', am I right?

We usually have an idea of who our oppressors are even if we don't understand the history (or have an analysis) behind why we're oppressed. Through my work I try not only to talk about the history of our oppression and why we are where we are now- but also to give people a sense of their power and help people to see that not only are we powerful inherently, but that there are ways to do something about the situation we're in.

Many times it starts with education and even skillsharing before action. Awareness and then organizing with folks who see a common problem. Hopefully, we're organizing toward the eradication of the actual root of that problem. We can pick leaves and branches all day long, but we have to get to the root of our crises. This is why organizing across issues is so important, though we may have different end goals- it's all about civil rights. Rights to access. Equity. The right to have our basic needs met. We all want to be happy and not suffer and struggle to survive. We all want to be heard and acknowledged and not just for our struggle.

Philosophactivism...
Being a philosophactivist is about looking at these issues, this oppression, with deep insight and then strategizing to do something about it- taking action.

The most important thing is this- I'm not the first to say any of this. I stand on the shoulders of many organizers and activists, foremothers, ancestors who didn't have these labels of 'organizer' and 'activist'. Ancestors who saw organizing, spirituality and art as one and the same. It's the same message- but just now embodied in this black, queer, anti-authoritarian...dapper...2014 package, if you will."

A Note on my perceived anger and bitterness. Silence, Release, Conviction and Standing in my Power

After a note from a friend, I decided to respond to a woman who sent me an email through my website. At first I wasn't going to write back because of the tone and level of assumption, but then after reflection and a chat with my friend about comunity to write back. Usually I wouldn't think it necessary to address a person's assumptions about me, but I felt it a good exercise for my future as a writer who writes about issues that may make me seem "angry" and "bitter" to many folks. I feel many of us bloggers, journalists, writers and artists who use our work as a form of expression come into contact with folks who might misunderstand our work or who may write us off because of their perceptions of us. 

There are a lot of assumptions made about writers based on the tone of articles. I'd like to challenge folks to be mindful of your assumptions and expectations. A few articles and your perceptions on who that person must be does not allow for the reality of who that person actually is. We shouldn't be so quick to write someone off or assume that they are "just angry". I am glad that she wrote me though because in writing her back, I felt self-affirmation of who I am and what I'm here to do and how I'm here to do it.


M's email:

" Hey Doll, I think you are so cute but why are you so angry.I really think living in Texas would make anyone bitter.I am a Certified Herbalist,have been since 2011.I am also a Certfied Personal Trainer and soon to be Raw Chef.Adopting this lifestyle has made me a lot calmer.As a black woman I know of the pain and suffering my people had to go through.It's time to let go.It's HISTORTY not our FUTURE.Let's heal ourselves mentally...Be safe and Take care...I would love to make a donation to your site... M"

My Note back:


"Hi M...,


Thanks for taking the time to reach out. At first I was hurt by words I'd never expect to see from a person in our community...words that confirmed the stereotype of being an "angry black person." But then, I sat in reflection and thought about the fact that you may not have read many of my other writings where I talk about healing, community, and empowerment. I also thought about the fact that you may not have read about my own personal healing journey and the fact that you don't know about my committment to a plant-based diet.

I have spent much time working on ancestral healing and understanding my history and my place as an organizer within marginalized communities. There is much trauma in our communities and I believe that the mere act of letting go is not enough. Though it is key, there is much to work through spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically. There are patterns deep in our DNA that we must work through and release, as you've expressed. We also need to understand systems of oppression and the ways they affect us physiologically, emotionally and psychologically and what we must do to heal internally from external oppression and childhood and ancestral trauma.

Writing is a form of healing for me and I write with conviction. Some of my writing is fiery and some is soothing. I've reflected on some folks' reaction to my writing, and I believe that a lot of it is rooted in how we have been socialized to speak (or not speak) about our oppression. If we do decide to speak about it, we must sugar coat it- so as to attract bees with honey. Dr. King didn't do this. Malcolm X and the Panthers didn't do this. Gandhi and Mandela didn't do this. We have to be real and speak our Truth, regardless of what others may think of us. Many white folks and even our own people thought that the leaders I mentioned were angry and bitter and disturbing the peace. Maybe even rocking the boat.

Despite what some may think or assume, I am not a person brimming with anger. I am a person who sits in meditation and goes to annual silent retreats. I am a person who sits with plants and trees and spends time cultivating inner peace. I am a mediator, I believe in non-violence and peace activism (and understand the need for other tactics). I am a child of Obbatala and Oshun. I'm also a person who was voiceless for many years, like many other female-bodied people of color. Part of this letting go that you speak of, for me, is the healing inherent in writing the Truth and speaking out, which culminates in taking action against injustice. There is no liberation in suffering in silence. Audre Lorde speaks about that. Sometimes the "letting go" folks speak about really has to do with not holding space for the expression of our anger or sadness caused by violence committed against us. And this is disempowering and damaging. Lorde said that this silence will not protect us. This idea of not acknowledging what systems are externally causing us pain and being expected to just release emotions tied to our oppression seems anti-liberatory.

I believe there is a place for anger (and sadness). Thich Nhat Hanh talks about this. Many spiritual leaders have. Anger can move us to action, as long as we don't remain in this state for prolonged periods. It can consume and destroy us if we do so. But we can't remain in a state of bliss either. As with anything, there must be balance. We can choose how to channel our emotions toward liberation.

Thank you for your email which has caused me to really reflect on others perceptions, and in doing so, remain firm in my convictions about the work I'm here to do and the ways I do it: with compassion, conviction, and unapologetically- all the while hoping for, and taking action to co-create the healing of our communities.


Healing and Wisdom,

Toi "

Some Things You Oughtta Know

I'm going to be honest right now about my situation. This week...I am selling my services/writings for survival. Perhaps honesty is the best policy because 1266 people on facebook saw my post about the Genderqueer Files episodes and I have yet to sell a single download on etsy. (By the way- it's a .pdf file...you don't need a kindle or any kind of fancy reader besides adobe.) 

It's been really difficult and I'm really dealing with a lot of emotions around self-worth as I find it harder and harder to find a job and people look at me as if I'm not pulling my own weight in life because I am an organizer and an artivist. I spend about 20-30 hours a week organizing in various connected movements. Salary=$0. People say..." Well stop organizing and go get whatever job you can get to sustain yourself". And I think to myself...'Geez I never thought of that'. 

Of course I've thought of that.

Of course I have. 

I've applied to grocery stores, retailers, custodial jobs. I know it's a tough market but there's something else complicating my search. It's the fact that I'm brown and genderqueer in a racist, homo/transphobic pseudo-liberal pseudo-progressive town (called Austin). People like to act like something is wrong with me because I have this experience and these qualifications and can't get a job. And though deep down I know that systemic oppression has seriously limited the jobs I can have in life (or is it just in these pseudo-liberal towns?), I just keep internalizing the rejection experience and white people's judgments (because my experience is not their experience, so it must not be true or valid) and my family's judgments until I start to ask myself “What is wrong with me?” It's really psychologically, emotionally and spiritually damaging.

I try to pull myself up by the bootstraps I was never given and instead of complaining about this racist, transphobic, pseudo-liberal, pseudo-progressive town that will not hire me no matter my qualifications because of my marginalized identities, try even harder to sell my writings and pull my weight if you will. But all the while I continue to internalize that many people don't think that artist's work is valuable and believe that it comes easy to us and that it should be free. 

I struggle constantly with wondering if my work has value and it's the people I meet in person at book fairs and on tour that remind me that it does resonate with some people. I get affirmation that my work does matter, even if it's not sustaining me the way I would like it to.

It's damaging when our communities seem to want organizers, activists, artivists, etc. to do all this work x3 for free.99. That also goes for submissions  to publications and workshops and donations to archives and projects. We know that funding is scarce but we've got to try to work harder to find ways to pay people or make even exchanges. Also, organizers who are parents need support. People who are sacrificing a ton of time for their community and who are getting burnt out, need emotional, psychological, and spiritual support. Community members who can't eat or pay their bills yet work 2-3 jobs need financial support!

I have to say that it is really disheartening feeling like when I actually try to “earn my keep” by selling my services/my writings/art, etc. to survive- that people are turning up their noses and thinking I should just get a “real job”. I know I don't work at an office or a restaurant or whatever institution, corporation or non-profit but it is mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting work to organize across issues/movements, write, continue my education as a healer, provide resources to multiple communities, support my friends and created family's emotionally and spiritually, AND manage my lupus symptoms and take good care of my own self. 

If this strife sounds normal to you and you are thinking what my mom always says when I tell her about being overwhelmed with pain or stress- “And?What else is new?” - there's a serious problem. We should not be running ourselves into the ground, folks. We should be supported in using our gifts, skills and abilities. If we have the time to step up and organize within our communities, we should not be left in the cold when we need emotional, psychological, spiritual or financial support ourselves. We need to hold each other accountable for this. No one should be left unsupported.

It makes me extremely sad and upset when I think about my financial situation and my inability to sustain myself despite how hard I work to support myself and others. I think about how just 2 weeks ago, my health “insurance” (it's really from a charity/foundation) was taken away and when I went to pay for my meds- I had to tell them to recount them and only give me a months worth because now I couldn't afford it. Or...I think about how I've had this infected tooth for months now...and 2 dentists that help lower income folks said they don't do root canals, but that they'll pull the tooth (which I've had happen waaay too many times over the last few years due to my economic situation)- and another charitable organization that does sliding scale fees said the minimum amount I could pay is $400-500. Yea- I can't afford that. I can't afford my rent this month. I can't afford to apply for residencies that might help me to be able to focus on my art and organizing. 

I can't focus on my writing and all these ideas I have for sharing knowledge and co-creating vibrant communities because I feel so broken spirited over finances and am constantly having these negative, circular thoughts about my worth and am trying to strategize about how to hustle and make rent and feed myself- and from that dark place.

I broke down in tears just yesterday because a friend reminded me of my steady commitment to providing resources for my communities: workshops, skillshares, constant, tireless organizing across issues in different movements, healing work and the emotional support and overall investment I've made and yet...I am still here struggling and barely surviving and finding it hard to pay for my life-sustaining medication and rent. All the while trying to keep resources accessible to those in my situation...those of you who look/are like me or who are in similar situations to my own.

The point my friend was making is that our communities need to do better in supporting each other physically, emotionally, spiritually and yes, even financially. I see many of my artivist and activist friends struggling to survive, just like me. You may see them everywhere online or in person but that does not translate to economic stability. It actually more than likely means they are hustling and on the grind and probably struggling and trying to survive.

Writing/making art is a full-time job (on top of other jobs) for many of us...and not just a hobby. It is extremely hard work. It is mentally, emotionally and spiritually taxing, especially when we're writing about difficult themes like oppression and liberation or calling out colonialism and systems of oppression and oppressors. Some of us even get threatened and run out of town.

It took me over a year to write Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ and I was working full and part-time jobs on and off. Part 3/Act 3 is still not completely to my liking and I still have so much work to do on making it a community workshop and a novella so people can engage with it's themes and not have to be reading through stage directions. I am also working on a number of other resource guides like Queering Herbalism 2, zines about decolonizing food justice and white supremacy in pseudo-liberal towns, wellness fairs, herbal freedom school workshops...and much more.

True, some folks might just not be into reading a story about brown queers or reading about q/poc and holistic health or zines on anti-oppression. I'm challenging our Q/POC community and allies to be more supportive of art that centers the experience of queer and trans people of color. There's not a whole lot of it out there...there's more than there ever was...but it's still not enough.

I know that some aren't financially able right now. But those of you who are, please see and respect that this work is valuable and that we artists/artivists/activists need to survive and can't write or give all our writing/art/services for free. Many will attest that I do at just about every event but this isn't sustainable.  Printing costs money. And I've spent many hours writing, researching, and organizing non-stop and it deserves to be compensated just like anyone else who is working a 9-5 or over a 40 hour work week.

It is hard for some of us to reach out to our communities for support because we're afraid we'll be judged or rejected. I know this is true for me. I am writing this because I have no choice but to reveal my vulnerability and to let you know that I struggle just like you no matter how many hundreds of people around the world read my writings. I am the embodiment of many of those statistics about brown, queer people who can't get health care or who are unemployed due to discrimination. I am the embodiment of those statistics about transfolks of color that you read about online or in class or talk about with your rad buddies over dinner. Even if I am sitting with a bunch of middle class, educated organizers and activists who make assumptions that we are all thriving, that is not my story. That is not my reality. I am barely surviving and fighting to exist. Fighting to not be erased every day.

Thanks for listening. Reaching out like this has been really healing.

Here's more information about the Genderqueer Files episodes:
http://www.afrogenderqueer.com/#!genderqueerfiles/c160u

You can purchase Part 1 episode 1-3 HERE until 12/15. Part 2 episodes will be up 12-15 til 12/22.

My other writings can also be found on the Etsy website. And you can get printed versions of my writings (*everything except Genderqueer Files and Queering Herbalism) through the shop&cart page on the afrogenderqueer website HERE.

And if you have found value in my writings or in the free resources I've compiled (on queerherbalism.blogspot.com)but you aren't interested in buying anything but still want to support, there is a donation button on the afrogenderqueer webpage HERE.


Email me for other purchase options/methods of payment.

Thank you again for reading/listening.

Toi
AGQ
Philosophactivist

Queer. Brown. Stories.

So...


Remember that play Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ that had a dope reading this year in Austin at the historic Victory Grill with amazing community members?

Just to refresh your memories-

Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ is a brown, genderqueer story of Rebellion, Resistance, Reclamation, Revolution, and espíritu/Spirit. A collective of brown, radical gender/queers find that to continue to protect and heal their community that they must discover their innate super powers tied to their indigenous spirituality and the wisdom of their ancestors.

And now you can buy Part 1 in downloadable "E-episodes" (a total of 3) for $9.99 (yep, 3 episodes in all for the Part 1) here.

I am selling these episodes to raise funds so that I can complete the Genderqueer Files: Qolectiv@ "novella".

(A novella is not as short as a short story but not as long as a novel). I will essentially be converting the play to novel format, for your viewing pleasure and I want to have it completed by February 1st.



The goal is that it will be available a few episodes at a time at indy bookstores, zine distros, college libraries and community centers, online, and hopefully...your home library! Eventually you will be able to purchase the whole sha-bang.


Here are some details:

• There are a limited number (*51) of Part 1 available for a limited time. 

     *Sales for part 1 end 12/14. Episodes from Part 2 will be available 12/14. 

• Email me at gqstreetpoet at gmail dot com for prices on printed versions. Shipping and handling will be added.

If you know of any bookstores, libraries, schools, gender studies departments, community centers or groups, etc who'd be interested in purchasing this work or having a workshop on it's major themes of race, gender, sexuality and spirituality please let a brown, genderqueer know!

It's difficult getting stories that are relevant to our experiences out there. Publishers are not trying to publish stories about resistance or revolution with all brown, queer characters so it's up to us to support each other in challenging the literary status quo and getting our stories heard.

                                                 


You may now return to your regularly scheduled program♥

Words from the Pacific Northwest

Portland...

"So...I woke up this morning and made an agreement with myself to no longer engage with white supremacy in any of its forms. No more benefits of the doubt, no more ally training, no more internalizing racist bullsh or second guessing microaggressions. No more just dealing with it because 'that's the way things are'.

This illness that I carry in my body is a direct affect of all the silencing, all the repression, the smoldering of embers lit when Mami Wata begrudgingly saw her children abducted and carried to foreign shores.

I now pray for the wrecklessness of Olokun...the unharnessed strength of Oya....the unapologetic destruction of the warriors...I pray for the might of Chango. I pray to climb the bark of this ancestral tree up to the branches of the spirit world. Orun. And stare down, vision unobstructed, with the eyes of Olodumare to see the Ase connecting, surging through us all.

And then to climb back down to this realm never to again be affected by illusion/delusion again. All I'd see is Osun's golden honey-harmony. Wrap myself in Yemaya's sweet, sweet 7 skirts of liquid, cerulean peace. And walk in whites with Obatala seeking crystalline clarity. Unbridled understanding. Observing with Orunmila the constellations of coco and cowrie from beyond telling me that...it is time. We are strong. They are listening. Are we? The shells whisper: Now. now. now."

                                     ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue...

Dear Portland, I.just.can't. The microaggressions and "black presence" and "south asian presence" at stores were egregious. From the mascotization* of blacks to the vintage book cover about a nazi cult adjacent to the book cover of a book about a brothel in Tokyo to the snake skin shirt (surrounded by other asian artifacts)with the explanation that 2013 is the year of the snake...I am truly speechless. You hipsters have truly lost your everloving mind. I was agitated after 2 hours and I almost ran out of the co-op screaming. Almost every interaction was a microaggression. So thanks for that. We are making a zine of the microaggressions we've experienced throughout the tour and probably half of them so far have come from Portland.

Here are just a few gems:

• Hip Hop music playing (Snoop- Drop it like it's hot) in (white) artist collective house/crafty arty nic nac store
• Strip of profile shots of black men with different haircuts on two walls in a very white bar/cafe

*and random pictures of black or indigenous people (just because they miss us so much after gentrifying)

• white woman in "vintage" store talks to us about how in Portland it is "easier" than New Orleans because their's less racial tension and you can get to everything by foot.

      -bonus gems: the nazi cult novel book cover and the book cover of the     novel about a brothel in Tokyo side by side (but that's not racist..it's campy!)

• A painting of a native american chief standing by someone from his tribe pointing out to a steamboat of colonizers like..'oh yay! we're saved' but I would have liked to spray paint a thought bubble saying 'there goes the neighborhood!'

• Racist store names, menu items, party/show fliers<<which we found throughout the tour

• Bill Cosby as some kind of a mascot for this hipster store...??

So yea, folks. The whiteness is so stifling in some of the areas we spent time in. I joked that it's probably what the Virginia settlements were like...the perfect white male paradise. (Except when those damn savages would want their land back!) 

Seattle tomorrow and it honestly can't come any faster. No really it can't. You have no idea!

(ps- we may or may not have had the show at this very store...but the event was actually pretty chill)


Hilarious photo montage entitled 'brown people not amused with uberwhitehipster town'

Want to know more about Portland and Racism? Here are some links a friend forwarded me:


Yet Another Racist Derailment at Portland Q CenterMore Racist Derailment at Portland Q Center
Racist White Supremacist Terrorism in Portland
Brown in PDX
And here's info about a rad zine by women of color in Portland:http://wocpdxzines.com/2013/01/27/women-of-color-zine-collective-4/


Seattle

"Seattle was a true surprise. The coffee shop (Black Coffee Co-op) was paaaacked (standing room only) and folks gave so much in donations and really supported by buying our zines and books. I read my piece 'Frankly Not about Food Forests' since everyone in the nation is taking their cues from the Beacon Food Forest there and I read what I wrote about my past job's current ideas on food sovereignty and my divestment from engaging with white supremacy and my prayer to the orishas. 

People really appreciated my candidness and (white folks) didn't ask me to educate them on any of the points. They didn't try to convince me about food forests and were happy to sit with being uncomfortable with my directness and Truth. They even told me they were fine with not getting half my references to Ifá 
 and the orishas because it WASN'T FOR/ABOUT THEM. So take heed white do-gooder/liberal/progressive/radical Austinites!!

So many folks came up to us to thank us for being there and reading. This was a great end to the tour for me. POC Zine Project will push on through the midwest, east and back down south but I will be back home this weekend to process all that I've seen and incorporate it into all that I'm becoming."

 Above Photo: Daniela Capistrano, Nyky Gomez, Anna Vo, Toi Scott, Nia King, Cristy Road

Words from the West

Saturday 10/19/13

In San Francisco I was called to read my pieces- 'The Master's Tools' and 'Visionaries don't need to dream'. I also read my poem Survivin' and my piece 'My Healing Story'. A friend recommended the last two and it was just what needed to happen, even though she wasn't there.

I needed to read about how we can't use the master's tools to dismantle the master's house, I needed to read about our internalized oppression and why we are not "progressing" as a people though the dominant culture wants us to believe that we are. I needed to read about what visionary organizing looks like and how our internalized oppression makes us turn on each other and not trust the radicals and visionaries that are here to co-heal with us and return us to our rightful place as the descendants of kings and queens, spiritual royalty.

I needed to talk about how we needed to heal. I also needed to read my story about being diagnosed with lupus and my battle to be heard and to find holistic care. I needed to get it out even though it was a little difficult baring my emotional and spiritual scars and being raw in front of folks I didn't know.

But...that's why I started reading my poetry out loud so many years ago, in the first place. It's kind of like that term "speak truth to power". I felt myself healing and regaining power over my story as I told it. In talking about my illness, I opened the storybook for all those who share it and I invited people to take a look at their chapters.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue...

10/16/2013

Los Angeles was a challenge. Emotionally. I'll explain more after I've processed. USC's QPOC group was so amazing. We were so tired after driving from AZ and their spirit breathed new life into us. We were recharged upon meeting them. As two tour members and I picked beautiful flowers around campus for the altar, I was truly happy to be there. I knew that we were appreciated and I wanted to honor this. I recruited the two tour members to read some monologues from Genderqueer Files and the audience liked it and thoroughly enjoyed everyone's pieces.

10/17/13

UCLA stood in stark contrast. We performed in a meeting space in the library and it was just more "official" feeling. There were less POC in the space. The vibe was different. I was happy to run into a good friend that I'd met years ago in NYC at an Audre Lorde Project community organizer training (Daring to Be Powerful- check it out if you're in the area). The organizers of the show booked it the same time as another POC event and to be in solidarity, some of the tour members walked over to the event with a few folks from our event. I'm not sure how effective that was but...at least something was done, I guess. 

To be honest, my memories of LA are foggy because of breakdowns in communication, hostility, and just an overall feeling of discomfort as interpersonal conflict escalated on this particular part of the tour. I was fortunate to get a break from all this and to ground myself and drive up the coast on the 1 with someone I trust and respect. 

When we got to Oakland we went to queer qumbia and in the morning we had brunch with some of my fav people from when I lived briefly in the Bay. It really restored my faith in brown community. Sometimes the microcosm of the macrocosm- femmephobia, transphobia, internalized racism, colorism, anti-blackness, xenophobia,etc. can be even worst in our little brown bubbles where we seek asylum. Sometimes solidarity isn't so solid or solidifying. There are still tokens and problematic dynamics as we try very hard to "decolonize" and de-assimilate. As soon as I have time to process...I'll write more.

Notes from the South/West

Indigenous People's Day (October 14th)- Tucson, AZ

This morning, I sat in the golden rays of the Arizona sun praying for healing of ancestral wounds and for continued guidance on this path I'm on. Though today is a day for mourning of the violence and genocide against my indigenous ancestors' whose names I'll probably never know, it is also a day of reflection on our innate power and connection to that energy that is the essence of all that has made sure that we as a People survive. We are not less than. We are not weak...we are not broken. We are beautiful spirits that need only realize the rich soil and strong roots from which we come from. And as black and brown people who share many of the same roots, it's important for us to learn about our suppressed histories together. That's the message I got in deep prayer and meditation today. No one can be liberated while anyone is subjugated or exploited. No one can live with ease while others suffer. And we cannot know our own complete histories without acknowledging those of our brothers and sisters We cannot be whole without realizing we are only a part of the whole. A drop in the sea.

October 15th- Tucson, AZ

What an amazing day. Spent some quality time taking a stroll through downtown Tucson with OG zinester (we're talkin 90s punk predecessor) Mimi Nguyen- creator of Slander, the Race Riot series, The Gift of Freedom, and other writings. We saw this ironic, gem of a billboard that said "You belong here." With some light-skinned Latino man. Ummmmm?

We moseyed to Antigone, a feminist radical bookstore, with huge lesbian and gay fiction sections and an indigenous spirituality section with white shaman authors. Womp womp. We ate delicious Ethiopian food at a place called Cafe Desta with some of the dope collective members of MalintZine. Performed with Anna Vo (Author of Fix My Head) and Nykky Gomez (Founder of Brown Recluse Zine Distro and author of Skinned Heart zine) at Skrappy's Youth Collective. (How awesome is that? A space for youth!) There were sooo many rad black and brown folks that attended. I read a piece on Black and Brown Solidarity and organizing for immigrant rights , some poems on my heritage and "For the Descendants of the Freedom Fighters and Riders" and a piece entitled "The Master's Tools". Tucson has really felt like a home away from home.

October 17th- Los Angeles, CA

Watching the sun rise over LA from a cliff in Echo Park I am realizing that I needed this tour more than I could ever know. Already I am inspired to do and be so much more. And this is more than an opportunity...it IS the Path. Sometimes we spend so much time looking for it or trying to walk on it and it's already here. We're walking it- no- we actually ARE the path. I not only embody the tears, pain, and joy of my ancestors but I also embody all that they ever wanted for themselves and their descendants. I am the inner peace that I've sought since childhood. I already have the freedom I've been searching for.   

As the sun comes up over the mountains, our ancestors, I see in the amber dawn my own inner transformation - all that I am experiencing on this trip. My own dawning. I know that I can never return as the person who walked onto this trailer/tour bus- overpacked, slightly burnt out with organizing and white folks tokenizing, and transitioning through the next steps of this so-called adult life. I'm nearing the end of this transition with a new take on purpose and new inspiration from the others on this trip/that we encounter on this trip who share many of my ideals. People I never dreamed could exist, let alone all be on the same bus together co-creating radical safe spaces for brown folks and dialogue, city to city.

In one week it's even clearer to me now that there are certain things I'm here to do (in Life). I can't be distracted by society's expectations for me or people's projections or insecurities. I know who I am and that I'm capable of more than I ever could have imagined. I will no longer subject myself to limitations from myself or others.  I have to live my life in alignment with my ancestors' deepest aspirations- and I guarantee it wasn't to assimilate into white supremacist, homo/transphobic, sexist, ableist ideals. It wasn't to perpetuate the "othering" of whole communities or to turn my back on those who are suffering while others live in excess. 

In all honesty I don't care about the "1%". I'm tired of talking about white privilege and whiteness but unfortunately, in this world we have to care because until we come together in solidarity and actually decide we will no longer abide by racist/homophobic/sexist/ableist laws, policies, and societal standards- until we decide to create brand new systems and paradigms- we must continue to mind our p's and q's and "shuck and jive" for our own survival.   

You know what the sunrise taught me? It taught me that there is a such thing as a beautiful, silent (but not as in voiceless), burning resistance. It is patient and persistent. Assertive. Omnipresent. Though we think the sun has set or disappeared, it's still there, burning with the same intensity...ready for the next upRise. Like clockwork. We, as a people, should take notes from the Sun.

Race Riot! POC Zine Project Tour

Well folks-

I'm having an amazing time on the Race Riot! Tour. I don't have instagram and I barely use tumblr or twitter so I'm going to try and document a little bit here with other peeps' photos. So, photo credit to all the coordinators with awesome cameras and social media prowess.

I hopped onto the tour in Austin after the kickoff in New Orleans and a few events in Houston and College Station.

Puro Chingon Collective hosts us in Austin, TX

Our Altar 

 

Me reading a piece about "Food Forests" historical racism and the displacement of POC in Austin

More Photos HERE.

Albuquerque, New Mexico

 Above: Me, Jodi, Anna Vo, and Chula Doula/Pati Garcia
Tabling at the Tannex

 Me reading "The Thing about Poverty" and "Post-Racial Who?" from Notes from an Afro-Genderqueer 2

On the way to Tucson...

    Anna Vo and I play Afro-Speed with Afro-centric playing cards. 

Driving through Texas took forever and a day and we experienced much racism during the few stops we took. I can't say I felt much pride in my state. But then, there are very few moments when I do anyway.

The first morning in New Mexico a white man in a huge red truck saw me from the highway access road and turned in as he saw me walking through the motel parking lot to our trailer. He knocked on the door and another tour member answered since I was in the back and he said..

"I know this might seem crazy but the Lord gave me a message for you..."

And they slammed the door on the man. I can't help but think about how many times this is how people get assaulted, kidnapped, etc. We beefed up on security a bit (asking our driver to defend us with some of her top secret weaponry) and headed out to Albuquerque.
I can't believe how cold it gets at night.

The Tannex hosted us and it's a really rad space with a zine library. The local performers were amazing. Waylaid was a percussion-y-zapateando-y-singing/poetry trio experience. Then this badass chicana feminist from the border took the stage and just lit it on fire with her poems. Her name's Jessica Helen Lopez and she is the founder of La Palabra- The Word is a Woman, a female writer's collective that celebrates and empowers femininity through creative endeavors. She's also author of the book of poetry "Always Messing with them Boys" (on West End Press) which we had the pleasure of hearing her read from.

Anna Vo read from her Fix My Head zines and Chula Doula let us in on the literature (Hot Pants, Radical Doula and Freeing Ourselves) she's selling for different groups/organizations. Last up was the founder of the Tannex and the Albuquerque Zine Fest, Marya Errin Jones, who read from her zine about the first black female pilot-Bessie Coleman.

What an honor to be a witness to the performers in Albuquerque. We just got into Tucson late last night with no qualms at checkpoints. We avoided I-10 like the plague and here we are after a frosty night, basking in the sun and catching up on our blogging/writing/rest. We have 2-3 events here in Tucson and then we're off to L.A. next week!

Stay tuned for more...

and find out more about our tour dates here.