Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ Part 2

Guess what...

Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ Part 2:
The Group Journey
is available now!

Know some awesome folks who may want to bring in the New Year with a story about some rad, brown queers reclaiming and resisting? Not only will you be providing them with some awesome entertainment, but you'll also be helping in funding the making of this into a full-length book and helping to sustain the author.

*You can get a $5.00 discount off the combined amount of Part 1 and 2 by using this code: JOURNEY2014.
*If you've already bought Part 1, you can message me for a separate discount code!

You can buy Part 1 and 2 at my online store:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/afrogenderqueer

They will only be available for a limited time before I go back to the lab to make edits and emerge with the novella!

Read more about Part 1 and 2 here:
http://www.afrogenderqueer.com/#!genderqueerfiles/c160u

Please don't hesitate to message me about sliding scale discounts if you are experiencing economic hardship.

Thanks everyone! And as you think of holiday gifts please keep supporting art written by and centering the experience of queer and trans folks of color! It's just one way to confront the growing disparities that we face.

Healing and Solidarity,

Toi

AGQ

Philosophactivist

Winning or Woes in the Workplace?

In starting this new, non-profit job I said to myself that I would bring all of me to the table. I said that now that I've got a position that I really care about doing work that I'm committed to in the community, that I wouldn't hide parts of me. I would be who I am. I stressed about this for days before I went to my first day of work. I thought about it constantly throughout that first day of training. I couldn't figure out how to say..."by the way...I'm trans." It just didn't seem to lend itself well to learning about food systems and food justice programming.

" Hey, do you have any trans people that come to your farmer's market because...I'm trans."

or

" Interesting thing that you should mention local food insecurity - I'm genderqueer."

So, I waited until the last possible moment as I was leaving work to catch my supervisor and basically...blurt it out. I think it was coherent for the most part. I had told myself that I was going to do this on the first day and that I wasn't going to wait around. As I began to talk about wanting my co-workers to know who I am and not wanting to have to leave parts of me at the door, I wonder what he thought I was going to say before I blurted out that I was gender non-conforming/ transgender. I saw his eyes kind of glaze over when I said gender non-conforming so I also volunteered the word transgender. He sat back in his chair as I continued to tell him my preferred pronouns- anything but she. His eyes were still kind of glazed over so I said "I prefer for folks to call me he, they, or just by my name." He mulled it over in his mind for a few moments and I didn't know how it had been received. He then thanked me for being comfortable enough to come out to him and said he'd ask a co-worker for guidance about how to deal with this as a director/supervisor. 

Then he said something that would continue to stress me out for the next 2 weeks+.  He said that he was going to follow my lead and leave it up to me to come out to the other 21 staff members. At first that seemed great. It took me a week to figure out that it was a lot of pressure to figure this out on my own. I thought about sending a mass email -

" Hey guys- I'm trans! Call me he or they. Thanks in advance!"

No...that wouldn't work.

I thought about telling a department at a time...or maybe one person at a time. The more I thought about this, the more tedious it seemed. And really stressful. Having to come out to one person at a time. Anticipating their reaction. Wondering if they were going to tell others- which would be welcomed if it would speed the process up a bit.

Last week my supervisor dashed to my desk before I could leave the premises to say that he wanted to walk me out of the office building. Hm. He walked me to the bus stop and we talked about my "coming out process" and how he could support. I said that I knew it was my responsibility to provide resources after coming out, and that I was working on that...but that I had no idea how I was going to come out to 21 people. I went over my ideas with him and he agreed that coming out through email wasn't a good idea and that there might be some legal issues with that.  I told him that I had also thought about coming out at the going away/welcoming party that didn't end up happening or at a staff meeting but that I felt that that would be awkward. I'd be completely on the spot and I'm sure I'd have so many questions directed toward me. That could be overwhelming.

We left the possibilities floating in the air. He reiterated his support. And as I sat waiting for the bus...I felt really alone. As I talked to friend after friend I continued to feel alone because who can really understand how crushing it feels not to be recognized for who you are (your gender!) day in and day out. 

Some days during meetings I am what I call "she'd" to death. She she she...her...blah blah...and I zone out. I zone out and shut down because I know that I should have just come out that first day to everyone so that I wouldn't have to deal with that. In my mind I have this inner dialogue about where I went wrong and then I say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I'm doing alright...at least I'm out to two people and that I should be patient with myself. A few of my friends have said the same thing. But it's still hard to have two out of twenty-one who know that I'm not down with being called "she." And even the ones who know my preferred pronoun(s) use the wrong pronoun(s) when we're in mixed company, though they stay away from any pronouns when it's just us. 

I know that it's going to take time and that I'm going to have to educate people if I want to create a safe space for myself. I feel overwhelmed with having to figure out how to come out to everyone and having to provide resources on top of training and gauging the office politics.

I also feel at times that I'm asking too much of the staff or like I'm inviting them into them to join me in my fairytale or something. I say this because I know I'm not what the average person would expect a trans person to look like. (I'm not on testosterone and I have a feminine face). I know it's a stretch for them to call me "he" and that asking them to use "they" is also a stretch. I'm asking 22 people to step out of their comfort zone so that I can be comfortable. I'm potentially creating an awkward atmosphere (at least when I'm in the office). I know that it could be a good learning experience full of teachable moments leading to more understanding about diversity or whatever...but...seriously, I just want to do this social justice work and go home sometimes. It seems daunting but I know I have to do this. I can't go on being "she'd to death" and not being my complete self. Living two lives. It's not just about proper pronouns, it's about me being whole in this place that I spend the majority of my time. It's about for once not feeling like I have this big secret that is weighing me down and trying not to wince when people make assumptions about my gender and who I am.

I thought it's important to blog about these types of battles because some people truly don't realize how difficult this is, even for organizers, activists, and other folks who may be out to so many others. It's not about "just" doing "x,y, or z". There are real threats in coming out at your workplace. I am fortunate in that my workplace is a non-profit with at least one queer person (other than me) and from what I hear from my supervisor, the staff is generally open/liberal/progressive. (But we've heard that before). You never really know how anyone is going to react and keeping optimistic about their reactions doesn't exactly curb your anxiety.

I'll keep you posted on my coming out process at work. For everyone who is dealing with this right now, I just want you to know I stand in solidarity with you and I know how difficult it can be, though I realize that my situation is not a worst case scenario. I hope that you have support from friends, family, or created family or some other support group. Feel free to reach out to me at gqstreetpoet@gmail.com, maybe we can reach a solution together.

Freedom of Speech and Anti-Trans sentiments

I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this. I've been spurred to write this because one of my favorite "radical" organizing zines posted an article by a known anti-trans "radical" feminist scholar in order to say that the tactics trans activists used to get her not to be able to speak in various venues was not supported by them. I was shocked. I was upset. I was confused...Was I really seeing this? People blaming the victim in "radical" media. Marginalized people coming out against an already marginalized group. And as I posted my response on the short thread of responses I thought...I'm the only trans one here. No matter what I say, no one is going to get why this woman's inflammatory remarks are more than just annoying. Nobody is going to get that her anti-trans agenda incites even more violence and discrimination against trans folks- a group that is already subjugated and misunderstood.

Here's the article posted:

https://apps.facebook.com/theguardian/commentisfree/2012/may/29/transgenderism-hate-speech

This woman, Sheila Jeffreys, says she is a victim and that she should be able to talk at whatever universities and conferences she wants and that trans folks are out to get her. This woman has published numerous works...spoken internationally. She has no problem being heard. She's even in judges ears telling them to not let trans children transition and collaborating with doctors and psychiatrists.

She says that her words are not "hate speech" but a "critique on transgenderism". Transgenderism? Last I checked a transgender identity wasn't an "ism" or as she calls it, a "practice".

This is the issue. Some feminists think that transwomen are further oppressing women...transmen are trying to gain power and are "choosing" this "lifestyle". Trans folks snap our fingers and have parts added and subtracted...and life becomes just peachy because- yay, now we can assimilate into the patriarchy and reinforce the gender binary. That was our plan all along. To gain power- if we don't get maimed, murdered or martyred that is. Yes, if we can just make it past THAT ( and the health disparities, unemployment, etc) we have it made. 

No one should be bullied or have death threats sent to them. (No, not even Ms. Jeffrey's).  But, groups should be able to keep anti-trans sentiments and hate speech from being presented on campuses and at certain conferences. I'm sure in a similar vein that the KKK doesn't want brown folks to exist and is against "negroism". Should they, too, be given a platform for their agenda? Both identities are murdered specifically because of their identity and sometimes because of erroneous portrayals. Oh but some will say...that's different. Don't conflate things.

No one's identity should be questioned and critiqued as part of some larger political statement while dismissing histories and realities. Not everything is black and white. Not everything can be explained away by some "radical feminist" philosophy.The truth is...you have no idea why anyone is trans. We are not some nameless, homogeneous group. There are more than just transwomen and transmen on the spectrum of gender variance. There are more reasons than "wanting to be male or female"..."not cutting it as our biological sex"...or "being crazy and misguided".  As soon as people begin to see this- maybe we can start an actual discourse. Because it's not actual discourse if you come to me with the thought in the back of your mind that I am crazy, diseased, wayward, upholding some patriarchy, a sell-out, etc.

That is all.

I will leave you with some of Ms. Jeffrey's most interesting commentary:

"The lesbian community needs to address the urgent political task of enabling lesbians to retain and love their lesbian bodies. If the suffering and destruction of lesbians is to be halted then we must challenge the cult of masculinity that is evident in such activities as drag king shows. We must challenge those forms of self-harm which are presently being promoted as progressive and liberating such as butch/femme roleplaying, sadomasochistic self-mutilation and the instruments, drugs and surgeries now being used to enable lesbians to ‘transition.' Though there has tended to be an attitude of liberal tolerance towards these practices on the part of many lesbians, which has allowed them to flourish, there has come a time when the very serious consequences of what have never really been ‘playful' behaviours needs to be recognised. There is a need to recreate the strong, separate, womanloving lesbian community which lesbians need in order to be proud and to thrive." From FTM Transsexualism and Grief- Sheila Jeffreys

The New Masculinity- Redefining ourselves, emerging from our cocoons

I've been processing a lot about my identity as a transmasculine, genderqueer person after attending the phenomenal First Annual Black Transmen Advocacy Conference in Dallas, TX. Here are some of my musings after such a transformational conference that has touched me in ways that no gender studies class or symposium ever could. My life has truly been changed forever, and I don't say that lightly.

Conference Epiphanies

The conference almost brought me to tears multiple times because it was so healing. I received all the affirmation I have never gotten because no one knew how to give it to me- not even myself. I heard all those things I needed to hear from people like me. It wasn't  psychobabble or intellectual conversations around gender identity by stuffy academics,etc. I heard from folks who live this experience and who are at the margins and intersections. Speaking real talk. REAL TALK.

I received validation for everything I’ve ever suspected about why it’s so incredibly hard to be black and trans. For instance: that transitions aren't a complete solution for everyone. They help brothers go "stealth" which can be a huge weight off with so much violence and homophobia within our community- but what about the mind? The spirit? Being trans isn’t just about your body despite what psychologists and doctors say. They have no idea. NO idea. For them, everything is solved with subtractions and additions of parts and a lifelong dose of hormones. To them...this is what makes you a man or woman. There is no room for emotional, mental and spiritual preparation and transformation.

During the conference I realized that I’ve been so afraid to be who I am – transmasculine– because of a number of things: my own perceptions of what it means to be a man (read: black man), the scarcity of positive black male role models in my life and the life of others close to me, my issues with reconciling my inherent masculinity and my radical feminist ideals, others' perceptions of what it means if I claim my masculinity (fellow feminists, girlfriends/partners, etc.), and lastly and most importantly, people not “letting” me be male. 

Let me explain. By "let", I mean people's interactions with me. Because of the way I look (female...and sometimes androgynous) people interact with me as such and expect me to interact as a female. There's not a lot I can do about this besides change my physical characteristics in order for others to see me the way I see me. Say what? People want me to cut off parts of my chest, take hormones that they have no idea in the future how they will affect me, go prematurely bald- all so that others can see me as male when I already see me as male?!

In short: Yes.

So when other's tell me to just be me and keep doing me, I just want you all to realize how dismissive this statement can be to me and other transfolks. Because, others' perceptions and the way they interact with us do affect us and how we move about in this world. Trust me. I know that people shouldn't be able to“let” me do anything. But, the reality is that I can't control interpersonal interactions without changing myself physically. Though this doesn't dictate who I can or can't be and what I do and don't do- others' perceptions and interactions can be limiting. This just being is honestly a recurring lesson and theme in my life as I unearth layer after layer of my complex identity as a brown, transmasculine and genderqueer, vegetarian, artist who practices spirituality other than Christianity. 

So many marginalized identities in this little vessel!

Defining Ourselves

A hard lesson for gender non-conforming folks is that people want to police you and your gender- especially within the LGBT community. Somebody pointed out during the Black Transmen Advocacy Conference that the LGB community is the worst for outing transfolks and saying trans people aren’t “real” men or women for differing reasons. Our own queer brothers and sisters invisibilize and marginalize us. Many people are always so concerned with if you are trans enough. Masculine or Feminine enough. As if their opinion is the deciding factor as to whether you are male or female. As if you "passing" (see previous post) to them is the societal litmus test for your legitimacy. But these ideas didn't fall from the sky. It comes from what some have labeled a "heteronormative" society (where heterosexual lifestyles are privileged) where there are specific gender roles and behaviors to be adhered to. Sometimes queer folks find themselves subconsciously mimicking or emulating these roles, other times they consciously mimic or emulate these roles. A concern is if there are expectations for the performance of certain gender roles crafted by a "majority" and forced upon the whole of society.

We can’t keep letting people hand us who we are and what our experiences are. Though this has been the formula, we’ve got to break free from that equation. (And by we- I mean black and brown transmen/women...the narrative is usually one of white transmen/women who invariably invisibilize us on top of that which already occurs on behalf of the larger LGB community).

We have to define ourselves. We have to create what we want to be- who we are. We can't keep taking our cues from social constructions on masculinity and maleness. They are damaging and exclusive. Honestly, when I looked around and saw what available models I had for masculinity- it arrested my development as a transmasculine person. I wish I would have known then that it was up to me to create a new masculinity. To become who I wanted to be. To not just reject society's roles, but make new ones and challenge them in substantial ways. I wish I would have known then that I could create my own gender. 

In terms of coming into my own masculinity all that need be said is that at the end of the day it's not about who's buying my masculinity because honestly, I was never selling it. People can deal with my gender expression however they see put and it's really not my obligation to explain why I am the way I am...or even who I am. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a person go up to a cisgender person (or a person whose gender and sex match up) and ask them why they are the man or woman they are ...or why they “became” that?

New Conversations on Black and Brown Masculinity

Trudy Askew: Butterfly Man

We need to begin new conversations on masculinity; black and brown masculinity, specifically. We need to have dialogue about what it means to each of us to inhabit "masculinity and maleness". We need to talk about where our cues and concepts for masculinity come from. We need to acknowledge that there is no one type of masculinity. It comes in a myriad of forms.

We also need to own that no one can show you how to become a man but that men can certainly be shown how to go about respecting a woman which should be inherent to being a man. A “real” man. Masculinity and femininity should not be antagonistic to one another. They should always complement each other like in the earliest of our human history. Like the Moon complements the Sun. Like Mother Earth complements Father Sky. Why are some black and brown men so invested in gender roles and power plays assimilated from the white patriarchy?

Yes, power is the issue. It is so divisive. It is important for communities of color to know that we have been operating under the white man's forced patriarchy in which men believe that because of their strength, intellect and limited/ lack of emotional expression that they are better, stronger- superior. 

I honestly believe the patriarchy has its roots (besides in biology and survival of the fittest) in the psychoses of a bunch of men who were treated badly by their mothers or female relatives and as retaliation (subconscious or unconscious- but retaliation none the less) women were forced to submit to them. The worst misogynists' have horrible relationships with the women in their family. Check out the psychology behind it. Perhaps if they could heal those wounds...we could go about healing the bonds between men and women. Black men and women. Brown men and women.

Transmen can often  perpetuate misogyny because of their dislike and/or hatred for the femininity within them and their past as female- a gender that is obviously wrong for them. A gender that they have been pigeon-holed into being. In rejecting this in and for themselves and in overcompensating by taking on stereotypical expressions of maleness and masculinity  transmen can sometimes develop a deep disdain for females and femininity. Not ALL transmen...some. This should not be used to overgeneralize or farther discriminate against transmen. I want to be adamant about that.

I don't like to compare marginalization because this can be harmful and dismissive  but I believe that a point can be made by talking about internalized racism and the sexism that can be seen in transmen. Something similar is at play. Black folks sometimes hate themselves and hate other black folks when they've internalized a hatred for blackness from society. Sometimes when transmen internalize a hatred for femininity and whatever it means to them to be female, sexism manifests. Much of the phobias we witness are about an insecurity with our own identity or an ignorance and intolerance of different identities.

This discourse on masculinity was happening in the black trans community and I was so refreshed. So relieved. Because in the white trans community, I felt like people were cool with being just trans for trans sake. Trans folks felt like being trans in and of itself was transgressive. To expand on this I do not mean taking on transgender for the sake of taking on being transgender- I mean  thinking that being trans is such a radical identity in and of itself and that just having analysis on being trans is enough. There's no need to connect the experience with larger, shared social issues with other communities- or even with the trans community with, say, trans people of color. The trans experience is being over-intellectualized and people are being so distanced from actual socioeconomic experiences. Gender theory allows for too much sterile observation and hypotheses. Gender is being talked to death but there is no application of ideas that come up during discourse. 

Also, the white trans experience has trumped trans people of color's experience. This is another factor that arrests development for some trans people of color. We go online and do research on transfolks and only get the white trans experience, which isn't ours- so there's no way that we could be trans, right? Also there are other issues in being out and trans which seems to be what white transmen push for. As they become visible as trans, there may be backlash...but they are still a white man with privilege. As soon as we transition to be black men, our lives get much more difficult- especially if we are trans organizers. There is a lot of pressure to stay "stealth" and invisible within communities of color, because who really wants the added marginalization and discrimination? It is hard enough to be a black man. Now you've got to worry about being accepted within your community, church, schools and jobs? Many say- No, thank you. And you know ...some white transmen call us cowards for that. Cowards. Because they have no idea the experience of intersecting identities of being a person of color and queer among other identities.


But a positive that comes from multiple layers of marginalization within black and brown queer communities is that there is more mobilization in our communities in terms of organizing for social justice. We have organizations like the Audre Lorde Project, Allgo, the Trans People of Color Coalition, the National Black Justice Coalition, and many, many more groups committed to addressing injustice due to racism, classism, sexism, ableism,etc. 


Black Transmen Inc is committed to so many different community efforts. Their motto alone: One is not a man he becomes one. Be the change you want to see in the world, speaks volumes about their commitment to their ideas on masculinity and maleness and their commitment to the larger community.

At the Black Transmen Conference we talked about uplifting and setting an example for other brothers, trans and otherwise. Some talked about being the "evolution" of men or at least being a bridge between men and women because of our past experience as women and our current status as men. We talked about eradicating misogyny and being empowered by our past as female and not being hindered by it or feeling like we had to reject it. We talked about spirituality. The conversation was so much richer than any other conversation with transmen that I've ever had and so full of hope and the promise for change. We were asked to create change and not settle for the definitions set before us.

I sit astounded at this whole idea that we are creating this new masculinity- one in which we don't perpetuate gender norms. One where we topple notions and conditioning of the white patriarchy.  One where we bridge the divide between men and women and heal the wounds of women and men of color in our communities. How refreshing. How inspiring. Who else will join in creating this new, old reality... because truly- all we're doing is going back to the feet of our foremothers and forefathers.

Ain't I a Man? I mean, I AM a man: My take on 2 Glenn Ligon: America pieces

Ligon's piece in the "America" exhibit

"I AM A MAN"- black bold letters contrasted against a white background assert. A recreation of a sign used at a strike during the Civil Rights Era hangs dauntingly in the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth. In 1968 hundreds of Memphis sanitation workers carried this very sign after two workers were crushed to death by a malfunctioning truck. Protesting deplorable conditions and negligence, workers organized to demand recognition of their union, better safety standards and a decent wage. The sign perhaps meant to them that they'd like to be acknowledged as men, no different because of the color of their skin. Men who deserved equal rights, equal treatment.

Photo from the 1968 Memphis sanitation worker strike

I'd seen it a few times when doing online searches. I'd glanced at it a few times during the guided tour at the exhibit, but as I continued to look at all talented Glenn Ligon's other works it began to register in a whole new way- especially when I saw his stenciled print "Passing". (unfortunately I could not find this print anywhere online. Probably because it did not speak to others or did not seem relevant to those who have actually posted or written about his work- read: white folks).


As I looked at the queer black men and women surrounding me, having their own private revelations, I allowed myself to have one of my own.


This work had a completely different meaning for me than these black men and women whose presence I'd found so much solace in at the beginning of our journey into Ligon together. I was giddy (yes, giddy) at the large number of queer, brown folks who had come to BlaqOut's reception and guided tour. For those first moments I felt so connected to them- connected by the opaque color of our skin and our overall "Black/Brown experience." (Experience of oppression from white people).


I reveled in how I hadn't been in a room with so many black and brown queer folks enjoying art - ever. Though Oakland was the first place I'd been in multiple predominantly brown spaces inclusive of queer folks- it was still not "our" space. But sometimes we made it ours... or it became ours by default. 


Maybe the larger (meaning white) LGBT community has slowly overtaken my consciousness, making me believe that these spaces should be separate- just like it is for them...


It makes me think of a black history month article I recently wrote. I told the "powers that be" that straight African Americans and queer African Americans don't necessarily have separate black history events and that I'd need to write about the "straight" events, too. I mean- they were 98% of the events and just because straight folks were there, didn't mean queer folks weren't going to show up.


I don't think my point was fully processed by them, but I got the go ahead and the article was published. Although all my explanations about the queer black community, the lack of segregation around black history events, and my brief commentary on segregation in the LGBT community and the need for white allies to come out and support those black history events (and POC organizations- even financially) were, to my surprise, mysteriously missing when I opened the paper that day. 


My article had been butchered. Cut in half and now was only a shadow of its former self. Now it was only a listing of Black history events. An ad covered the whole bottom half of the same page. I tried not to see this as a racist act. I tried to push this off on economics- capitalism. After all, they needed to pay the bills...right? Sigh. What a wake up call for me. I wish I could hit the snooze button.


The people I'd interviewed were as shocked as I was, especially being that I read to them what I was putting in the article. The powers that be said it was a space issue. I think that's partially true. Space...and politics.


                                             I AM A MAN


I've written my experiences of being a brown, transmasculine/ masculine of center person. (Female-bodied). You can see my article on that here. It can be a frustrating experience.


In Dallas, I've had the sobering experience of being "read" as female 80% of the time. In Oakland (depending on what neighborhood) I probably was read as female 50% of the time- which tapered off when I started seeking out queer spaces.


I was spoiled in NYC- being read as male 75% of the time- genderqueer in queer spaces in Brooklyn or at the many queer symposiums and conferences. 


But Dallas- I'm adjusting. Unfortunately I'm getting used to the Lesbian/Gay dichotomy. "No" bisexuals, "no" transgender folks. I'm getting used to being seen as lesbian- and just black- not brown. You see, there's only room for lesbian and gay here. Only room for Black and white. Male and female. I can't be upset about that here- I don't pass. I don't fit what it means to be a man here.


That's just the way it is. I can't come down here with my fancy gender analysis and queer theory inherited from a liberal arts college and NYC. I can't just come down here with my leftist, semi-anarchist, brown activism and queer manifestos that have rubbed off from Oakland and expect to be taken seriously.  No, not here in the South. They say I belong "up north", over in the east, or back out west with all that. Or Austin- the liberal bastion  (and in my opinion, mirage) of our third coast.


As I sat looking at "Passing" repeated multiple times in jet black on a lily white background until the paint stuck in the stencil, blurring the word and making the canvas black like the lettering- I realized, to my chagrin, that here- I'll never pass. I'll always be black "against a sharp white background"- and though I'm partially using Zora Neale Hurston's quote about race, I don't only mean race here. I mean race and gender.


In some cities- some states- maybe even 80% of this country- I will never, ever pass. To society "at large" I am not a man. My features are "too feminine". My eyelashes too long. My voice pitch is too high. My ass is too round- ethnically round and ever-so-there. Even though I am not necessarily feminine, people's expectations are for me to be.


Most will place me where they want to place me. Give me female pronouns- talk to me about "female" or "womanly" things- and I will dip back into my past socialization as a female and unwittingly comply with their erroneous expectations for me. I know that most won't understand pronoun preferences and that it's almost ridiculous to expect all folks to see me as I see myself.


It's humorous that with people of color I am less agitated and more forgiving about this. Is that insulting? I say insulting because I don't expect people of color to know the difference between a gender non-conforming/genderqueer person and a lesbian or gay person. Not unless you are a transitioning transman- which I'm not.


So- I can't be taken seriously, right? I must not want to be if I am not on T (testosterone) or taking the proper steps to become a man. If I wanted to be treated like one, if I wanted to be taken seriously as one- I'd take the proper steps like so many others. 

Then maybe I could be "stealth" and never have to deal with those issues again (outside of my mind, that is). But, I guarantee that the preoccupation with passing does not go away. I'm sure it's always there in the back of your mind. No matter how long you've "passed" for.  
A fear that somehow you'll be found out. Your packer (prosthetic penis) might shift at a weird angle or fall out in the bathroom as you relieve yourself. You may skip "T" for too long or want to go off T and your voice pitch might change slightly. Maybe you won't bind your chest as well one day. 


Even when you get all the surgeries there's always that ONE person who will go out of their way and insist on reading you as the sex you were born with, despite your many efforts. Despite the thousands of dollars you spent on testosterone, gender reassignment surgery, counseling, a new wardrobe- a move to a new city/state/country.


Unless you find a bubble- maybe a queer bubble. Even then this does not guarantee 100% acceptance of how you identify. Indeed, it might even be worse because the LGB community can be downright hostile to transfolks. That's right. There's no true alliance there. No allegiance. We're not all one under the queer rainbow despite what the acronym feigns with such short distance between the L-G-B and the T.


Many lesbians think transmen "want" to be men- hell, they think this about butches/studs/AGs. They don't accept transwomen either, because they "used" to be men. Lots and lots of transmisogyny and transphobia. We're never accepted for who we really are- our body parts that we were born with dictate everything. 


Many straight people are the same. No solace there either. 


And don't you DARE be out of the box. No "new" labels allowed. You're complicating things. Now you're just a snooty, overeducated/degreed hyperaware hipster. Who, by the way, is confused. If you can't pick a box and stick with it you will be relegated to the "confused" box because you don't know who you are. Period. Exclamation point!


As a matter of fact- don't know anything about anyone else's culture. Don't identify as a different gender. Don't identify as more than one race or ethnicity. Just don't. There's no room for that. (Unless you're white with intentions on appropriating or exoticizing).I know all this from firsthand experience. There's no room in the margins, silly. Have you not read Anzaldúa or any black feminist or brown lesbian writings? Intersections should be erased so we (and by we I mean they) can see the bigger picture- assimilate. Pass!


So no- I will not be read male, or multiracial. Everything I do will astound the masses because I live in the space between society's categories... and boxes. No label truly fits me. 


And you should check yours...does yours truly fit? Or are you just passing?

Trans Rites of Passage

I've been thinking about this topic quite a lot lately. For many cultures this is a defining point - a transition from one status to another. Many times it's a transition from childhood to adulthood and full inclusion into a social group. One of the first men to write about this (Arnold van Gennep) proposed that there were three phases: separation (pre-liminal), transition (liminal or threshold), and reincorporation (postliminal). I remember how fascinated my anthropology professor was when we got to this part of Cultural Anthropology...eyes all a-bulge. Flailing his arms talking about rituals and ceremonies marking this transition from a previous world into a new world. Immediately I think about similar traditions here in the U.S. such as bar and bat mitzvahs, rumspringa, vision quests, quiceaneras and sweet sixteens. It's such a special (and sometimes especially annoying) time. It's so awkward and painful and sometimes the "honorees" don't want to make a big deal of it. Some families even go into debt because of these events.

And then I think about what the equivalent of this would be in the queer or LGBT community. Our "coming out" is rarely similar to the debutante balls of the same name. The rite of passage is usually something we come to terms with within our self- and then start to tell others. Maybe it's joining a group on campus or in the community that is specifically LGBT. Maybe it's telling family members or close friends. When we come out that closet we are separating ourselves from the straight/heterosexual world we may have once thought was the only world that existed and transitioning through self-education or support from loved ones or our created family and then, re-incorporating ourselves back into society with this new-found sense of self.

Now lets think about the trans and gender non-conforming equivalent. Sometimes it's similar to above and other times it involves physiological changes. Sometimes we modify our bodies in order to feel whole; now matching our bodies to how we've seen ourselves. Other times it's not about physically transitioning and it may be changing our names on a birth certificate or other types of identification or telling our co-workers and family members to call us by the proper pronoun. Sometimes it may be about forming alliances with others like ourselves and organizing for our community or none of the above.

This society at times places so much weight on gendered coming of age events. But where is the bar mitzvah for the trans boy? Where is the quinceanera for the trans girl? And for those of us who came out much later...where is our "coming of gender" (not age) event? Hmm hope it's not the parties we have to throw to fundraise for our transitions.

I wish that more of us supported each other in coming out. I know that a lot of us don't have much money or are unemployed because of our gender, so this makes this much harder. I wish there was a trans fairy who would leave us a card under our pillow once we've decided to come out. Or maybe an organization or group that would write to us personally congratulating and welcoming us. It's such a tough, tough decision.

Perhaps if we had more support there'd be less transgender folks committing suicide. We can't all move to NYC or the Bay...a lot of people in rural areas are feeling really alone. Some are rewarded with beatings or being kicked out of the house when they have their realization about being gender non-conforming. A far cry from parties and debutante balls.

Being torn from our families, ostracized in schools, and then disappearing to re-acclimate into this heteronormative society (and sometimes even hostile LGB and queer communities) is a very common experience.

As trans and gender non-conforming people of color, our networks are much smaller and we have much less support from families and our own communities and the LGBT community at large. We face more violence and more disparities in education, housing, and in health care. Sometimes our families ask us why the heck we didn't decide to stay in the closet. Why did we "choose" to be trans when we were already at such a disadvantage because of our color? And that is our rite of passage experience. More close to those of tribes in other continents than to fellow Americans. Some of us stumble through the wilderness in search of ourselves with no guide...no mentors...no support. Some of us scar up our bodies to deal with pain and remind ourselves. And then some of us have the privilege not to go through any of this.I don't know many trans folks that haven't experienced some form of discrimination and I probably know even fewer who had a party thrown in honor of discovering themselves.

I am so glad that there are more trans and trans people of color conferences and organizations that are allowing more of us to come together for education and support. Maybe in the future these conferences and events will be a rite of passage...like attending the gay pride parade with less glitter and more clothes.

Genderqueer Job Applicants or Cross Dressing for a Career

Folks, today I am 2 steps closer to a respectable career doing something that will pay some bills, somewhere. I, Toi, after months of looking for jobs across the nation- ok, in three or four states... have now advanced my job applicant status and possibly furthered myself to a third interview by...

get this...

purchasing a suit. And not just any suit my friends. This suit was purchased...
in the women's department of JCPenney by a beneficent benefactor who told me in not so many words that it would lead to actual success during my interviews. And I don't doubt it. Recruiters (in the South,especially) want to see you match your clothes to your proposed gender. Psshh...I'm not into "matchy matchy."

My mother and two aunts have asked me in the last month...what do you wear to your interviews? Well, a nice pair of (men's) pants, a (men's) dress shirt...(and sometimes a tie). Oh! And my natural hair, suitably tamed for their viewing pleasure. (Wouldn't want to be too "ethnic").
No...no...no...apparently this is all wrong if I want to actually support myself this lifetime. I've got to fool them my mother implied. She said...just wear this to the interview and who cares what I wear after I get hired. Hmm...Granted, this has definitely worked for me before- though I didn't exactly plan it that way. In corporate america I just got so tired of wearing these femme clothes because that's what was designated in the "girl's dress code". I started to feel really weird wearing these feminine clothes for 8-10 hours and then coming home only to rip them off and throw on basketball shorts and a muscle tee. (flexes, grin) Yea. That's what I said.

So ...there I was in the ladies section of JC Penney...not "doing it right". (Is that even still there slogan? anyway...) . I felt mad weird. My mother says..."What size are you?" I give her a "No you didn't" look...and she assumed somewhere between a 6 and 8. Actually she said my butt was probably an 8...(blank stare). Soooo I grab the first andro-looking 6 that I saw after wading through some truly horrifying women-ly outfits designed for some stuffed-shirt dinner party and made a dash for the dressing room praying that this thing would a)not make me look too feminine and b) fit, so we could get the heck out of dodge.

So, there I am standing in the dressing room with my corn rows and nicely flattened chest under my undershirt and some men's boxer briefs...slinking into this women's business suit and delicately zipping with this ridiculously small zipper on the side of the pants. And my mind drifts off to that Office episode where the manager is wearing a lady's business suit. Yes, that's one of my favorite episodes. And then there I am...it fit. I was elated. My flat chest was accentuated by the ridiculous women's cut they put on the chest of these suits to ...lift the breasts? Show 'em off? I have no idea. It did a bad job.

So I saunter out to my mother who is waiting to assess...and she says it looks good...and says it's not too "girly". I look straight at my flattened chest and say "yea...well I don't like that women's suits have this cut right here to accentuate the boobs I don't have." My mom shrugs...I go back in the dressing room to strip out of this clown suit that is going to be my ticket to some career somewhere...and juuuuuuuuuust as I'm snapping a picture in this outfit to send to my boo thang...*trying to look as masculine as possible *ahem*... my mother comes with another friggin women's suit that I have to try on for some person  I'll be sitting down with at some point who can't accept my gender expression. Great. So, I try it on...pants are too baggy...blahblah we buy the other pin striped andro-ish suit which makes me look like a negative AAA cup. Yea. That's not going to draw attention at all...

So, fellow andro and genderqueer folks...I'm going to say that it's imperative for us to start making some andro suits with neither a male or female cut.  I got close today but I'm afraid the chest area is a fail. Sigh. In my head I'm picturing the perfect vest and slacks and I'm looking so dapper accepting my next job.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm super appreciative of my mother's support. She's only telling me like it is. Basically, that these southerners don't want anyone who looks odd or queer gracing their halls if they can help it. Yeah, I know that it's not just the south...

And now I'm sitting here thinking that even if some of the LGB constituents of the employment discrimination policy (ENDA) hadn't thrown us gender non-conformists under the bus not too long ago, that recruiters would have still been able to discriminate by not letting us through to the next interview. Who can prove that you weren't hired because of what you're wearing (and even if you could, would they agree that it should be legal to discriminate based on an outfit?) Who can prove that it was your gender expression that kept you from being hired or promoted? It's all "conjecture". But even my mom knows that it's a factor in me not finding employment and a facilitator to me going to some job some place and being hired by someone.

Sigh. I know that some of you are thinking... well of course you've got to dress differently to get a job, we all do. But, I want to stress that I am having to cross dress. It's not that I want to wear sweats or booty shorts (see *Awkward Black Girl). I want to express my gender in the way that I feel comfortable and I'm not able to. Me wearing a woman's suit is certainly going to make me feel a tad uncomfortable during my interview. Shake it off, you say. But you men out there...how would you feel doing an interview in panty hose and lipstick and maybe a nice little skirt suit? Yea, awkward. I know that there are so many trans and gender non-conforming folks out there at their jobs feeling really,really awkward because they are not able to express their true gender. It can really make someone feel helpless and defeated. A lot of us accept jobs where we can feel comfortable but don't get paid nearly what we're worth and others of us can't get a job at all because they can't "pass" as their true gender or fall somewhere in between. I just want people to realize that this happens frequently and urge people not to be so harsh in their judgment against trans folks who want to get surgery and "pass". We just want to be who we are...this policing of our gender has to stop in all arenas.

 NO!!

Yezzzir!

Genderqueer Love

So maybe you're attracted to people outside of the gender binary. Maybe you're wondering how you go about loving a person who categorizes themself as genderqueer, gender non-conforming, transgender, transmasculine or transfeminine, agender, androgynous, bigendered, or perhaps no category at all. I wish it was as easy as just loving the person for who they are ...I really do. But I truly believe that the way that we have been conditioned in this society really informs our relationships and our interactions within romantic relationships, especially. When a lesbian wants to date a transman, many times there are expectations for the behavior of that transman. I have heard many times from transmen that they don't want to be seen as a butch lesbian or a stud by their lesbian or queer women partners. They are men. But many haven't been socialized as men all their lives, yet their habits are similar...so what does one do with that? It's difficult to navigate. All I ask for from my partner is that they acknowledge how I see myself and check their expectations for me. I haven't been socialized as a man, so much of our interactions will not be the same as you and your past boyfriend. I identified as a lesbian for 10 years so, in some ways I have been socialized as a lesbian. I understand that scene, even though I fit like a round peg in a square hole there now. I've spent some time thinking, fretting, and overanalyzing about this...

In some past relationships I didn't even bring the genderqueer thing up. I was processing it myself and whatever I mentioned was just shrugged off so as with most of my life I just kept a lot of things to myself. Or maybe I was just expecting my exes to "accept me for who I am"...that old queer motto. Because I was the "same" as I ever was. But...you know...that's really not true. As I've come to accept my identity and discovered more about myself through all those hidden facets of Me-ness that I had buried under some feigned sense of normalcy (and once queer- queeritude), I've come to realize that I have changed quite a bit. I'm not really sure that my exes could have handled who I am today...then. I couldn't.

All in all, I guess I'm tired of people using that "but you're the same person" line. I feel like it allows people not to acknowledge who you are becoming. It allows people to stay comfortable with who you were and never fully process the transition you have undergone. A while back, I would have welcomed this for friends and family in true protective fashion. I would have shielded them from my queerness and would have worried about just being accepted. I would have taken whatever bone anyone would have thrown me. And I guess you might say that at times I still do when it comes to pronouns. I realize that I'm living in this no-man's land and it's really hard to wrap your head around something you haven't seen. So I allow for the "ma'ams" and the "young ladies" in certain contexts. It still makes me feel torn and creates this state of dissatisfaction...unrest...because that's not who I am. I know I "look" like a Miss if you look hard enough and I know that sometimes people are just trying to be nice or dont' want to make a mistake. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that...strangers versus people who have known you for a significant amount of time versus people who met you at this particular point in your gender expression.

So I'm coming to terms with how to deal with that...and this genderqueer love. Do we genderqueers date those in the LGB who fetishize us? Are we relegated only to each other? Do we get into relationships full of teaching moments, false hopes, and expectations? Is there queer relationship counseling including therapy on gender expression? Sigh. Just like the majority of queers- I want to be seen for who I am now, not who partners wish I was...or remember me as...or wrongly think I am because so and so who is masculine of center or FTM is that way.

Hi, I'm Toi...have we met?

I think that what it comes down to is actually talking about these things up front, which is hard to do. Gender can be fluid just like sexuality. Maybe it's important to have check-ins periodically (what? did I just say that. Is this a performance evaluation?). Not to "keep track" but to stay in touch with who both are becoming. My ideal partner shares this struggle with me and is cognizant of the way I decide to move through certain spaces. Damn, that's a hard gig and it doesn't pay much. But I am willing to do it for them, too. I realize it's really difficult to be that person on the other end. How does the relationship not become about the transition or the trials and tribulations of one person's experience over another. How can both involved learn to respect and appreciate each other and free themselves of all these expectations and falsitudes? We're up against a lot, aren't we? From internalized homophobia, the way we may be treated by  society, evolving identity, and then after all this we're expected to be decent partners. Why aren't there more than a handful of books on this? And don't say that the books from straight or lesbian or gay relationships applies...the dynamics are really, really different, in my opinion. More on this later...still processing solutions...

Black Woman? Black Man? Neither or Both? Intersections of Identity and the Social Sphere

I have been grappling with the intersection of gender identity and race lately. I feel as if the concept of gender is entrenched in the black community- if not the pillar of it. Roles have been defined for black women and black men and the socialization of black women vs. black men is intriguing. As I've come out as genderqueer I have found it difficult to imagine disassociating myself from black womanhood. So much is tied to a black woman's identity. The Struggle of a black woman --the burden on her back--the solidarity in calling each other "my sister" is something I have come to own and appreciate, slowly but surely. I feel that in taking on the trans identity and calling myself genderqueer that I am betraying my sisters in some way. I also feel that I am rejecting the women's spaces which I felt so comfortable in for years and years. I am becoming an outsider to the community of women of color that I fought so hard in the past to understand and be a part of and protect through my academic writing.

As I was accepting the fact that I am genderqueer...that I am masculine of center. That I may not have been socialized as your typical female and had always seen myself as androgynous or leaning more toward the masculine spectrum-- I began to panic. Well...that means I'm a black man! OHhhhhhh great! !@#$%^& Not only do I face oppression on so many other levels, but now I've got this new added burden of being perceived as a black man, should I choose to transition or present myself as male *which I've done for years now. Now I would have to routinely see white women clutch their purses and turn up their noses, and white men feel threatened/disgusted by my very existence. I did not, do not...want to be a black man.

But- unfortunately, I don't have much choice in the matter. And I'll explain what I mean- I am not a woman. I have the body of the woman but anyone who knows me or gets to know me will quickly find out that ...well, I'm not. I was not exactly socialized as a girl as a kid. My mother was this strong alpha-female who never said anything about people wanting to hold me back for being a black woman. She climbed the rungs of the police department slowly, steadily. In short, my mother was a warrior who did not let her femaleness identify her. She didn't revel in femininity, she didn't talk about feminist politics...in fact, she wasn't especially feminine except when she went undercover some nights.

I always saw myself as a boy. By the time I was around 6 or 7 and it was socially unacceptable to do "boy things" I started keeping this to myself. I let people call me "she" and "her" -- but it never really fit. Everyone assumed I was a tomboy. My stepfather and mother tried their hardest to make me dress like a little girl. I was actually punished by my stepfather for whistling among other things (which he thought was what boys do) and wasn't allowed to wear certain boyish outfits. They tried really hard...but, all that happened was that I repressed this and felt really disconnected from girls. I never really felt like a girl. I mean they told me I was a girl- and I tried to accept it. I tried to do the things that girls do...I always felt like I was in drag when I wore dresses. I just did the "girly" thing to fit in-- but in my senior year I chucked all that to the side and started wearing my flannel and plaid and corduroy and boy shoes...I have always felt more comfortable--read:more ME in men's clothing. It took me a while to realize that this was not just me trying to "genderf*ck" (once I learned this terminology) but that I, in fact, was genderqueer.

I let people tell me that I was a lesbian. I never really owned that label though, it just didn't fit though I found solidarity with female-bodied people who liked women. It took me a decade to realize that something was up with the fact that I thought women were ridiculous for not dating me because I'm "not a man". (chuckling to myself.) Let me try to explain that further. In my head- I was a man. Men accepted me as this mixture of male/female in the banking/financial industry that I worked in for 6 years. I grew into not wanting to wear the woman's dress code relatively quickly, since I felt like I was in drag and they accepted this and thought of me as one of the "boys". In my head...I was male.male.male. So when these straight women would flirt with me and then say "But I don't date girls." In my head this didn't compute. I mean, did they see what I was wearing?? I wasn't a girl! I was a strapping, handsome, young boi. And if they'd only date me, they'd figure this out. Well, they weren't buying it. I had no penis and as far as they were concerned---I was no man. Sigh.

In my lesbian relationships--I didn't take on a butch role. Read: I am not a butch or a stud or an AG. I really don't embody any of that particular type of masculinity. I just am a boi. I am devoid of femininity, except for my facial features,long eyelashes and tiny hands. (shrugs). I guess by the way I dress, people don't expect me to be a high femme. I'm not exactly oozing with femininity while wearing ties,vests,men's dress shirts, men's hats, and men's shoes. And when men hit on me- I honestly wonder what their deal is.

Anyways, sometimes people make assumptions about me being female- this is understandable. I mean, my face is feminine. Thinking waaaaay back, I started to wear more masculine clothes because a) I didn't like male attention b) it felt more like me and c) it balanced out my feminine face --thereby making me feel more like ME.

So back to assumptions. As I was coming out as genderqueer I wondered--well should I take hormones, should I get chest surgery? I didn't want to- but it seemed the only way that people would accept me for how I felt. Even though I don't feel like an FTM (female-to-male). Let me explain, I don't really trust this whole gender binary thing and I feel that if I own the label FTM that I am somehow owning this whole twisted social construct that is the gender binary. In doing that I would be saying--- well I am that M and not that F. I wholeheartedly accept what inkling of femininity I have coursing through this body. While I'm indifferent to my female parts- I do not reject or resent them, though I do sometimes feel guilty for binding them and stuffing objects in men's boxerbriefs to mask them (packing). But I only feel guilty for a second- then I feel empowered because I am being authentic. I am being ME.

Power. This was an issue for me---because well, I'm an anti-oppression facilitator and activist. Not to mention a feminist and womanist. Was I really buying into this whole power from masculinity thing?? This really tortured me for a long time. Was I subconsciously considering men to be worth more than women?? Deep down did I hate being female because of society's view on females and the oppression faced by females? Well- this takes me back to talking about the solidarity present between women of color. This also takes me back to all my friends that are women healers, curanderas,homeopaths,naturopaths,etc. who have tapped into their feminine power and use it daily. I don't hate that. I love that! And this is what has really, really made me sad. I don't want to leave those women's healing circles, drumming circles...etc. I don't want to be an outsider. I was watching the film "Still Black" (a film about black transmen) and I cried when one of the men said he visited women's spaces for a year --kind of as a goodbye. Yes, unexpected tears came down my face. I am so tied to women's spaces. I never wanted to give up the power inherent in being a woman.

And - sigh- I don't want to be a black man. Either way I will struggle. And skating the ice between the two genders seems like it will get me in trouble in some spaces as well. The transmen want to know why I still have breasts, why I don't take hormones--why am I so *gulp* feminine looking...why do I still identify with women of color...healing women. The feminists want to know why I pack...why I bind...why I consider myself masculine of center. The men want to know- why I even hang out with the women when I am so obviously one of them (male). Why I don't buy into (some) of their hypermasculinity. Why I don't like talking nonsense about women. I am an outsider to them too because I can identify with their (women's) plight and am intuitive and know why their girlfriends,wives,sisters are feeling what they are feeling. But this goes both ways because I have always understood men's thinking patterns (no matter how irrational it may seem at times) and while women have appreciated that I can do this- it has really put me on the outskirts when I myself do not possess the same ways of communicating and thought patterns and "socializing tendencies" of a woman. I just can't go there...I don't get it, if you will.

I am not completely any of them. I am not LGBT...I am not a woman...I am not a man...I flirted with the idea of being bigendered but then there goes that whole gender binary again. Agendered---meh. Andro-- but I'm masculine of center.

Basically there is no label for who I am ...except Toi. And maybe I feel guilty for being this unlabeled entity that moves through these circles with my fluidity. Now let me explain, I feel guilty because they all want me to take up allegiance to them and I am their ally but I am not exactly completely "them." In short, I belong to all and none at the same time. (Which reminds me that I need to blog about religion and spirituality soon---same tune).

Sigh. So I will continue to support women's spaces, hang out with men/transmen, and the queers who understand me the most, even knowing that I might be mistaken as one of "them"...I will purge this guilt in my heart. I will try my best to explain what I have explained to all of you who are reading this blog and to every single person that asks and is confused. I will try to keep an open heart and be full of compassion when clearly people think that I am an anomaly, a freak, a weirdo, not one of "them" any longer.

This is all I can offer:
Dialogue. Compassion. Authenticity.

LGBT community vs. the larger Queer community. Irreconcilable differences?

There is growing tension between those who identify as lesbian,gay, bisexual and trans and those who identify as queer. Classifying oneself or being a certified card-carrier of the letters in the acronym LGBT seems to come with a little more security as far as acceptance goes. They are a little more mainstream and the "Gay Agenda" pretty much comes out of that camp. (DADT, Marriage Equality,etc.) Being one of these letters also sort of means you buy into the gender binary. Think about it. Lesbians are women who like women. Gays are men who like men. Bisexuals like both and trans identify as the opposite gender. The queer community is largely more amorphous. It is a blanket term inclusive of all LGBT acronyms but specifically inclusive of "everyone else." Meaning- genderqueers and gender non-conforming people, and well- everyone else who identifies with queer politics. Now what this label is *not inclusive of- is people of color who do not identify with this term. Whether it's because they have no allegiance to it or have rarely heard it besides coming out of white queer activists and theorists mouths. While some find the label "queer" liberating- others find it stifling. It is after all another label designed to be all-encompassing. Who wants that? Well, probably people who are tired of being called LGBT who don't identify with that.

Here is what I wrote to my professor who is teaching a course at Yale which teaches about "gender identities and the capacity for the LBGT community to actually rally around the trans population and their distinctive health and policy needs":

"Gender fluidity is interesting. I identify as genderqueer and I find that everyone I've met who identifies as such have all these different labels (andro, bigendered, masculine/feminine of center, gender fluid, gender non-conforming,trans,etc.) and it is so disheartening that the binary is still very much present. (Which creates tension between FTM/MTF--who identify as "the other gender and sex" and people who identify as genderqueer or gender-nonconforming). I find that the very people who enjoy being on the outside of the binary unintentionally perpetuate gender roles and expectations. It leaves me wondering if one can truly live a life devoid of these influences (especially after socialization and other cues in and outside of the community).

There is also tension between the LGB and the T which I just recently began to see within the organizing efforts (I saw it before but that was on a personal level). The issues for both are very different and can be divisive. I've seen some really hateful things said about how trans people just attached themselves to the LGB and that trans people are mentally ill,etc. There is not the same push to get gender dysphoria off the DSM V as there was to get being homosexual or bisexual off the DSM IV (of course for many important reasons- nobody wants to lose the chance to get transitions covered IF they have insurance). I actually wrote my ethics paper on transgender medicine.

The solidarity is feigned at best for different reasons.I find this to be less so in community organizations of color. Now...in the queer scene (which I think is distinct from the LGB scene) there is much more solidarity. LGB's are believed to have sold out---the queer scene has a lot of people with radical politics who are pretty frustrated by conventional LGB campaigns. They don't care about gay marriage or DADT nearly as much. They'd really like housing and economic equality. I see it as all important but,just like a lot of the queer population, I've got priorities and gay marriage isn't #1. I'd like to not get fired for wearing a tie to work and using different pronouns and have the law on my side if it did, in fact, happen."