The Master's Tools...

"The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house." Audre Lorde- Sister Outsider

I got into a discussion about race and class and a question was posed- in this society, are we enslaved mentally according to race and/or class? I took this to mean- does race and class dictate our "social mobility". Does it confine us in the social (and private!) spheres? Do we buy into these arbitrary confines and are we therefore mentally enslaved by them?

Hmph. Race. Race...so arbitrary and ascientific. Designed as just another way for the white man to show their superiority. Just another way to subjugate and divide. The People's Institute for Survival and Beyond has an incredible analysis on this. Whiteness....white supremacy. Power. Privilege.

The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house.

It means different things to different people. For me, in this context, it means- all of ya'll who are struggling to "get that paper", to have "upward mobility", to "assimilate" into a system built for us not to survive- there is no liberation in that. There is no liberation in striving to be "upper middle class". There is no liberation in trying to get 3 Ph.D's. There is no liberation in acculturation, forgetting our roots to "play the game". The more we buy into the limitations of race and class and the supposed freedom inherent in "upward mobility" (read: assimilating into whiteness and perpetuating white supremacy, since they are seen as the top of the totem pole), the more we are bound.

The master's tools will NEVER dismantle the master's house.

We think we can play the system. We think we can code switch, get these degrees, forsake our roots, and that we will be rewarded the good life. We buy into all the white man tells us in school. We let white folks hand us our history and tell us "Shhhh forget, forget...your ancestors are long gone. Here...take this spiritual path, our spiritual path. Here...here's some history about us and what we think of you." And we take it. 

Some don't bother to question it. Their ideas on education- we buy them. Their ideas on family, we buy them. Their notions of patriarchy and the way women should be subjugated, and relegated to only certain spheres...yes, yes...subconsciously we buy that, too.  The way we form relationships, the way we value college degrees over elders and wisdom, the way we turn our nose up at our African roots, the way we judge body types, intelligence, the way we buy into colorism. You think we thought this way before the master built his house on our lands? Brought us into his mess. Set up shop ...appropriated all of us brown folks' culture- music, art, even parts of our history. 

And then they sell it back to us. They take our homes and sell it back to us. They take our music and sell it back to us. Blackness has been co-opted in this country. They take blackness, brownness and sell it back to us. They go to India, come back and teach us some kind of diluted, variation of their interpretation of the spirituality they see- yoga, ayurveda and such. They go to Africa and do the same. White yoruba priestess'? Come on now! 

Reggae, Ska, Punk, Rock, Country, R&B, co-opted....Shamanism, Yoruba, Rastafarianism, co-opted. 

And yet...we should be like them? We should use their tools of higher education, their religion: Christianity, their ideas on how a society should be built: capitalism, patriarchy to "get ahead", to "progress".

Nobody else sees something wrong with this? 

We are not whole. We as brown people cannot be whole while buying into this mentality. This is why we are spiritually, mentally and emotionally sick. We can't heal ourselves through acculturation or looking for the answers in someone else's heritage and history. Though white folks could stand to learn some things from the other umteen hundred countries on this planet (that their ancestors have tried to dominate and subjugate). And I do mean LEARN from, not co-opt. Not think you can make them "better". Not subjugate them. Not "master" them. LEARN FROM.

It is time, brown people, that we see how beautiful we are. How rich our culture is. It is time that we look at these tools that were put into our hands at birth, the master's tools, and decide that they aren't going to dismantle this house, this system. We have to go back to our roots. Re-discover our values. OUR values. Not the white man's values. And if we can't find answers...we need to create new ones. We need to create new solutions for this nation's problems. Not rely on a constitution written by white men 200 something years ago. Not try to write policies and adhere to laws when that whole system needs to be toppled and recreated. Not try to fix a system that was doomed to fail due to the principles it was built upon. We need to create something new. We aren't going to salvage this one- not with all the racism, classism, ableism, sexism...etc. 

We need not be afraid to study African and Indigenous religions. Do you not see an issue with putting stock into and worshiping a "white" savior- a stranger- who died 2000 years ago but not wanting to give thanks and worship your own flesh and blood ancestors and the manifestation of the Creator in beautiful gods and goddesses that only represent aspects of your own self, your Divinity? 

Folks, we have got to stop valuing white heritage, values and characteristics over our own. We have got to stop this cycle of assimilation and acculturation or we will surely perish. Vanish. We have got to help each other remember who we are. Even white folks. What is "white" anyway? Someone I really respect once told me that whiteness is a set of privileges, not a race. Where do "white" folks come from? What is their real history? I encourage folks to check out the People's Institute and to read articles like: The Point is not to interpret whiteness but to Abolish it. 

We have a LOT of unlearning and reconstructing to do.

The New Masculinity- Redefining ourselves, emerging from our cocoons

I've been processing a lot about my identity as a transmasculine, genderqueer person after attending the phenomenal First Annual Black Transmen Advocacy Conference in Dallas, TX. Here are some of my musings after such a transformational conference that has touched me in ways that no gender studies class or symposium ever could. My life has truly been changed forever, and I don't say that lightly.

Conference Epiphanies

The conference almost brought me to tears multiple times because it was so healing. I received all the affirmation I have never gotten because no one knew how to give it to me- not even myself. I heard all those things I needed to hear from people like me. It wasn't  psychobabble or intellectual conversations around gender identity by stuffy academics,etc. I heard from folks who live this experience and who are at the margins and intersections. Speaking real talk. REAL TALK.

I received validation for everything I’ve ever suspected about why it’s so incredibly hard to be black and trans. For instance: that transitions aren't a complete solution for everyone. They help brothers go "stealth" which can be a huge weight off with so much violence and homophobia within our community- but what about the mind? The spirit? Being trans isn’t just about your body despite what psychologists and doctors say. They have no idea. NO idea. For them, everything is solved with subtractions and additions of parts and a lifelong dose of hormones. To them...this is what makes you a man or woman. There is no room for emotional, mental and spiritual preparation and transformation.

During the conference I realized that I’ve been so afraid to be who I am – transmasculine– because of a number of things: my own perceptions of what it means to be a man (read: black man), the scarcity of positive black male role models in my life and the life of others close to me, my issues with reconciling my inherent masculinity and my radical feminist ideals, others' perceptions of what it means if I claim my masculinity (fellow feminists, girlfriends/partners, etc.), and lastly and most importantly, people not “letting” me be male. 

Let me explain. By "let", I mean people's interactions with me. Because of the way I look (female...and sometimes androgynous) people interact with me as such and expect me to interact as a female. There's not a lot I can do about this besides change my physical characteristics in order for others to see me the way I see me. Say what? People want me to cut off parts of my chest, take hormones that they have no idea in the future how they will affect me, go prematurely bald- all so that others can see me as male when I already see me as male?!

In short: Yes.

So when other's tell me to just be me and keep doing me, I just want you all to realize how dismissive this statement can be to me and other transfolks. Because, others' perceptions and the way they interact with us do affect us and how we move about in this world. Trust me. I know that people shouldn't be able to“let” me do anything. But, the reality is that I can't control interpersonal interactions without changing myself physically. Though this doesn't dictate who I can or can't be and what I do and don't do- others' perceptions and interactions can be limiting. This just being is honestly a recurring lesson and theme in my life as I unearth layer after layer of my complex identity as a brown, transmasculine and genderqueer, vegetarian, artist who practices spirituality other than Christianity. 

So many marginalized identities in this little vessel!

Defining Ourselves

A hard lesson for gender non-conforming folks is that people want to police you and your gender- especially within the LGBT community. Somebody pointed out during the Black Transmen Advocacy Conference that the LGB community is the worst for outing transfolks and saying trans people aren’t “real” men or women for differing reasons. Our own queer brothers and sisters invisibilize and marginalize us. Many people are always so concerned with if you are trans enough. Masculine or Feminine enough. As if their opinion is the deciding factor as to whether you are male or female. As if you "passing" (see previous post) to them is the societal litmus test for your legitimacy. But these ideas didn't fall from the sky. It comes from what some have labeled a "heteronormative" society (where heterosexual lifestyles are privileged) where there are specific gender roles and behaviors to be adhered to. Sometimes queer folks find themselves subconsciously mimicking or emulating these roles, other times they consciously mimic or emulate these roles. A concern is if there are expectations for the performance of certain gender roles crafted by a "majority" and forced upon the whole of society.

We can’t keep letting people hand us who we are and what our experiences are. Though this has been the formula, we’ve got to break free from that equation. (And by we- I mean black and brown transmen/women...the narrative is usually one of white transmen/women who invariably invisibilize us on top of that which already occurs on behalf of the larger LGB community).

We have to define ourselves. We have to create what we want to be- who we are. We can't keep taking our cues from social constructions on masculinity and maleness. They are damaging and exclusive. Honestly, when I looked around and saw what available models I had for masculinity- it arrested my development as a transmasculine person. I wish I would have known then that it was up to me to create a new masculinity. To become who I wanted to be. To not just reject society's roles, but make new ones and challenge them in substantial ways. I wish I would have known then that I could create my own gender. 

In terms of coming into my own masculinity all that need be said is that at the end of the day it's not about who's buying my masculinity because honestly, I was never selling it. People can deal with my gender expression however they see put and it's really not my obligation to explain why I am the way I am...or even who I am. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a person go up to a cisgender person (or a person whose gender and sex match up) and ask them why they are the man or woman they are ...or why they “became” that?

New Conversations on Black and Brown Masculinity

Trudy Askew: Butterfly Man

We need to begin new conversations on masculinity; black and brown masculinity, specifically. We need to have dialogue about what it means to each of us to inhabit "masculinity and maleness". We need to talk about where our cues and concepts for masculinity come from. We need to acknowledge that there is no one type of masculinity. It comes in a myriad of forms.

We also need to own that no one can show you how to become a man but that men can certainly be shown how to go about respecting a woman which should be inherent to being a man. A “real” man. Masculinity and femininity should not be antagonistic to one another. They should always complement each other like in the earliest of our human history. Like the Moon complements the Sun. Like Mother Earth complements Father Sky. Why are some black and brown men so invested in gender roles and power plays assimilated from the white patriarchy?

Yes, power is the issue. It is so divisive. It is important for communities of color to know that we have been operating under the white man's forced patriarchy in which men believe that because of their strength, intellect and limited/ lack of emotional expression that they are better, stronger- superior. 

I honestly believe the patriarchy has its roots (besides in biology and survival of the fittest) in the psychoses of a bunch of men who were treated badly by their mothers or female relatives and as retaliation (subconscious or unconscious- but retaliation none the less) women were forced to submit to them. The worst misogynists' have horrible relationships with the women in their family. Check out the psychology behind it. Perhaps if they could heal those wounds...we could go about healing the bonds between men and women. Black men and women. Brown men and women.

Transmen can often  perpetuate misogyny because of their dislike and/or hatred for the femininity within them and their past as female- a gender that is obviously wrong for them. A gender that they have been pigeon-holed into being. In rejecting this in and for themselves and in overcompensating by taking on stereotypical expressions of maleness and masculinity  transmen can sometimes develop a deep disdain for females and femininity. Not ALL transmen...some. This should not be used to overgeneralize or farther discriminate against transmen. I want to be adamant about that.

I don't like to compare marginalization because this can be harmful and dismissive  but I believe that a point can be made by talking about internalized racism and the sexism that can be seen in transmen. Something similar is at play. Black folks sometimes hate themselves and hate other black folks when they've internalized a hatred for blackness from society. Sometimes when transmen internalize a hatred for femininity and whatever it means to them to be female, sexism manifests. Much of the phobias we witness are about an insecurity with our own identity or an ignorance and intolerance of different identities.

This discourse on masculinity was happening in the black trans community and I was so refreshed. So relieved. Because in the white trans community, I felt like people were cool with being just trans for trans sake. Trans folks felt like being trans in and of itself was transgressive. To expand on this I do not mean taking on transgender for the sake of taking on being transgender- I mean  thinking that being trans is such a radical identity in and of itself and that just having analysis on being trans is enough. There's no need to connect the experience with larger, shared social issues with other communities- or even with the trans community with, say, trans people of color. The trans experience is being over-intellectualized and people are being so distanced from actual socioeconomic experiences. Gender theory allows for too much sterile observation and hypotheses. Gender is being talked to death but there is no application of ideas that come up during discourse. 

Also, the white trans experience has trumped trans people of color's experience. This is another factor that arrests development for some trans people of color. We go online and do research on transfolks and only get the white trans experience, which isn't ours- so there's no way that we could be trans, right? Also there are other issues in being out and trans which seems to be what white transmen push for. As they become visible as trans, there may be backlash...but they are still a white man with privilege. As soon as we transition to be black men, our lives get much more difficult- especially if we are trans organizers. There is a lot of pressure to stay "stealth" and invisible within communities of color, because who really wants the added marginalization and discrimination? It is hard enough to be a black man. Now you've got to worry about being accepted within your community, church, schools and jobs? Many say- No, thank you. And you know ...some white transmen call us cowards for that. Cowards. Because they have no idea the experience of intersecting identities of being a person of color and queer among other identities.


But a positive that comes from multiple layers of marginalization within black and brown queer communities is that there is more mobilization in our communities in terms of organizing for social justice. We have organizations like the Audre Lorde Project, Allgo, the Trans People of Color Coalition, the National Black Justice Coalition, and many, many more groups committed to addressing injustice due to racism, classism, sexism, ableism,etc. 


Black Transmen Inc is committed to so many different community efforts. Their motto alone: One is not a man he becomes one. Be the change you want to see in the world, speaks volumes about their commitment to their ideas on masculinity and maleness and their commitment to the larger community.

At the Black Transmen Conference we talked about uplifting and setting an example for other brothers, trans and otherwise. Some talked about being the "evolution" of men or at least being a bridge between men and women because of our past experience as women and our current status as men. We talked about eradicating misogyny and being empowered by our past as female and not being hindered by it or feeling like we had to reject it. We talked about spirituality. The conversation was so much richer than any other conversation with transmen that I've ever had and so full of hope and the promise for change. We were asked to create change and not settle for the definitions set before us.

I sit astounded at this whole idea that we are creating this new masculinity- one in which we don't perpetuate gender norms. One where we topple notions and conditioning of the white patriarchy.  One where we bridge the divide between men and women and heal the wounds of women and men of color in our communities. How refreshing. How inspiring. Who else will join in creating this new, old reality... because truly- all we're doing is going back to the feet of our foremothers and forefathers.

I'm not doing this for my health

Growing up, my mom would use this phrase frequently as a sarcastic comment when she'd do something and we wouldn't notice or understand why she'd done it or if we accidentally went against an action she'd done.

Let's take an example...

Scenario: mom is folding clothes. Someone rifles through the clothes when she walks off and leaves some of the once folded clothes unfolded...”Hey, what do you think...I'm doing this for my health?”

In thinking about this phrase, I automatically started to ponder on organizing with queer and POC communities. As we all know, this work is stressful and a lot of times thankless. There are folks who don't understand why we put the time and effort into building bridges, anti-oppression work, and forming coalitions. Obviously we don't just do this work for our health- though some seem to think so.

I don't really enjoy being the token. I don't take delight in educating folks who'd rather stay in the dark or keep with their misconceptions. I don't wake up and suit up for a new day of anti-racist and anti-homo/transphobic vigilance. Well, I do- but not because I want to.

It's because I have to. Need to.

Some folks in our community are single-handedly destroying the hard work of hundreds, thousands in our movement to uplift and advance our people. Some are artists, some are our own community members, some are politicians, some are bigots, some are just oblivious. Some have no idea the lives that have been lost, the blood that has been shed, or the countless hours of sleep lost. The burden beared for the sake of just a sliver of freedom- and I dare not call it liberation. We can't have liberation with 80% of our community's mind enslaved.

Some of us organizers, activists, advocates, educators, and social workers are seriously withering away inside because of being so burnt out from this work. Consistently re-doing the undoing of our movement. So many are tired and jaded. So many have given up and left the movement.

Clearly we're not doing this for our health. Fighting oppression, joining the struggle, advancing a People daily is definitely not akin to an apple a day. Taking on toxicity, eradicating -isms that run rampant and are interwoven in our societal fabric certainly can't be a multivitamin.

And people always say to us- why are you doing this? Why can't you just worry about your own family? You should only look after yourself. You are born alone and die alone. But that sounds unhealthier to me than acknowledging the interconnectedness of our communities and doing something about the sickness and destruction in them. Once you are awakened to systematic/systemic oppression- there is no going back to sleep.

Paulo Freire said-

"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. "

If you withhold information, live in denial, refuse to be educated- it is the same as working against those who are trying to build together. I realize that POC are heavily burdened and cannot give much of their time to organizing. But the civil rights movement still happened despite day jobs and families. What's different now? I venture to say that the only thing that's different now is that POC are not as willing to see interconnections and are not as invested in their communities or the movement. They deem the civil rights movement complete.

The media and politicians are still trying to brainwash us into believing that we live in a post-racial society. Ha! We're all middle class...we all have the same access to health care and education- if we only try hard enough. Everyone has equal access to power. Hmph. Really?

Get out of here with that.

Us educators, facilitators, organizers, and people who refuse to take on any of these labels are not advancing this movement for our health, though we are trying to create healthier communities. Maybe some folks still don't understand why but as I always say..if you're not going to stand behind me or beside me...at least don't stand in my way.

That is all.

Ain't I a Man? I mean, I AM a man: My take on 2 Glenn Ligon: America pieces

Ligon's piece in the "America" exhibit

"I AM A MAN"- black bold letters contrasted against a white background assert. A recreation of a sign used at a strike during the Civil Rights Era hangs dauntingly in the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth. In 1968 hundreds of Memphis sanitation workers carried this very sign after two workers were crushed to death by a malfunctioning truck. Protesting deplorable conditions and negligence, workers organized to demand recognition of their union, better safety standards and a decent wage. The sign perhaps meant to them that they'd like to be acknowledged as men, no different because of the color of their skin. Men who deserved equal rights, equal treatment.

Photo from the 1968 Memphis sanitation worker strike

I'd seen it a few times when doing online searches. I'd glanced at it a few times during the guided tour at the exhibit, but as I continued to look at all talented Glenn Ligon's other works it began to register in a whole new way- especially when I saw his stenciled print "Passing". (unfortunately I could not find this print anywhere online. Probably because it did not speak to others or did not seem relevant to those who have actually posted or written about his work- read: white folks).


As I looked at the queer black men and women surrounding me, having their own private revelations, I allowed myself to have one of my own.


This work had a completely different meaning for me than these black men and women whose presence I'd found so much solace in at the beginning of our journey into Ligon together. I was giddy (yes, giddy) at the large number of queer, brown folks who had come to BlaqOut's reception and guided tour. For those first moments I felt so connected to them- connected by the opaque color of our skin and our overall "Black/Brown experience." (Experience of oppression from white people).


I reveled in how I hadn't been in a room with so many black and brown queer folks enjoying art - ever. Though Oakland was the first place I'd been in multiple predominantly brown spaces inclusive of queer folks- it was still not "our" space. But sometimes we made it ours... or it became ours by default. 


Maybe the larger (meaning white) LGBT community has slowly overtaken my consciousness, making me believe that these spaces should be separate- just like it is for them...


It makes me think of a black history month article I recently wrote. I told the "powers that be" that straight African Americans and queer African Americans don't necessarily have separate black history events and that I'd need to write about the "straight" events, too. I mean- they were 98% of the events and just because straight folks were there, didn't mean queer folks weren't going to show up.


I don't think my point was fully processed by them, but I got the go ahead and the article was published. Although all my explanations about the queer black community, the lack of segregation around black history events, and my brief commentary on segregation in the LGBT community and the need for white allies to come out and support those black history events (and POC organizations- even financially) were, to my surprise, mysteriously missing when I opened the paper that day. 


My article had been butchered. Cut in half and now was only a shadow of its former self. Now it was only a listing of Black history events. An ad covered the whole bottom half of the same page. I tried not to see this as a racist act. I tried to push this off on economics- capitalism. After all, they needed to pay the bills...right? Sigh. What a wake up call for me. I wish I could hit the snooze button.


The people I'd interviewed were as shocked as I was, especially being that I read to them what I was putting in the article. The powers that be said it was a space issue. I think that's partially true. Space...and politics.


                                             I AM A MAN


I've written my experiences of being a brown, transmasculine/ masculine of center person. (Female-bodied). You can see my article on that here. It can be a frustrating experience.


In Dallas, I've had the sobering experience of being "read" as female 80% of the time. In Oakland (depending on what neighborhood) I probably was read as female 50% of the time- which tapered off when I started seeking out queer spaces.


I was spoiled in NYC- being read as male 75% of the time- genderqueer in queer spaces in Brooklyn or at the many queer symposiums and conferences. 


But Dallas- I'm adjusting. Unfortunately I'm getting used to the Lesbian/Gay dichotomy. "No" bisexuals, "no" transgender folks. I'm getting used to being seen as lesbian- and just black- not brown. You see, there's only room for lesbian and gay here. Only room for Black and white. Male and female. I can't be upset about that here- I don't pass. I don't fit what it means to be a man here.


That's just the way it is. I can't come down here with my fancy gender analysis and queer theory inherited from a liberal arts college and NYC. I can't just come down here with my leftist, semi-anarchist, brown activism and queer manifestos that have rubbed off from Oakland and expect to be taken seriously.  No, not here in the South. They say I belong "up north", over in the east, or back out west with all that. Or Austin- the liberal bastion  (and in my opinion, mirage) of our third coast.


As I sat looking at "Passing" repeated multiple times in jet black on a lily white background until the paint stuck in the stencil, blurring the word and making the canvas black like the lettering- I realized, to my chagrin, that here- I'll never pass. I'll always be black "against a sharp white background"- and though I'm partially using Zora Neale Hurston's quote about race, I don't only mean race here. I mean race and gender.


In some cities- some states- maybe even 80% of this country- I will never, ever pass. To society "at large" I am not a man. My features are "too feminine". My eyelashes too long. My voice pitch is too high. My ass is too round- ethnically round and ever-so-there. Even though I am not necessarily feminine, people's expectations are for me to be.


Most will place me where they want to place me. Give me female pronouns- talk to me about "female" or "womanly" things- and I will dip back into my past socialization as a female and unwittingly comply with their erroneous expectations for me. I know that most won't understand pronoun preferences and that it's almost ridiculous to expect all folks to see me as I see myself.


It's humorous that with people of color I am less agitated and more forgiving about this. Is that insulting? I say insulting because I don't expect people of color to know the difference between a gender non-conforming/genderqueer person and a lesbian or gay person. Not unless you are a transitioning transman- which I'm not.


So- I can't be taken seriously, right? I must not want to be if I am not on T (testosterone) or taking the proper steps to become a man. If I wanted to be treated like one, if I wanted to be taken seriously as one- I'd take the proper steps like so many others. 

Then maybe I could be "stealth" and never have to deal with those issues again (outside of my mind, that is). But, I guarantee that the preoccupation with passing does not go away. I'm sure it's always there in the back of your mind. No matter how long you've "passed" for.  
A fear that somehow you'll be found out. Your packer (prosthetic penis) might shift at a weird angle or fall out in the bathroom as you relieve yourself. You may skip "T" for too long or want to go off T and your voice pitch might change slightly. Maybe you won't bind your chest as well one day. 


Even when you get all the surgeries there's always that ONE person who will go out of their way and insist on reading you as the sex you were born with, despite your many efforts. Despite the thousands of dollars you spent on testosterone, gender reassignment surgery, counseling, a new wardrobe- a move to a new city/state/country.


Unless you find a bubble- maybe a queer bubble. Even then this does not guarantee 100% acceptance of how you identify. Indeed, it might even be worse because the LGB community can be downright hostile to transfolks. That's right. There's no true alliance there. No allegiance. We're not all one under the queer rainbow despite what the acronym feigns with such short distance between the L-G-B and the T.


Many lesbians think transmen "want" to be men- hell, they think this about butches/studs/AGs. They don't accept transwomen either, because they "used" to be men. Lots and lots of transmisogyny and transphobia. We're never accepted for who we really are- our body parts that we were born with dictate everything. 


Many straight people are the same. No solace there either. 


And don't you DARE be out of the box. No "new" labels allowed. You're complicating things. Now you're just a snooty, overeducated/degreed hyperaware hipster. Who, by the way, is confused. If you can't pick a box and stick with it you will be relegated to the "confused" box because you don't know who you are. Period. Exclamation point!


As a matter of fact- don't know anything about anyone else's culture. Don't identify as a different gender. Don't identify as more than one race or ethnicity. Just don't. There's no room for that. (Unless you're white with intentions on appropriating or exoticizing).I know all this from firsthand experience. There's no room in the margins, silly. Have you not read Anzaldúa or any black feminist or brown lesbian writings? Intersections should be erased so we (and by we I mean they) can see the bigger picture- assimilate. Pass!


So no- I will not be read male, or multiracial. Everything I do will astound the masses because I live in the space between society's categories... and boxes. No label truly fits me. 


And you should check yours...does yours truly fit? Or are you just passing?

On Belonging and Being

Recently I had the pleasure of not making it into a cohort for a retreat that I had a lot riding on (emotionally)...because they were folks like me. Brown, gender non-conforming, and leaders. My "dreams" of camraderie were dashed- so very dashed because I felt like out of all the places...out of all the people ...finally I'd belong here- and that they'd see that. Nope. Didn't happen. Sure there are other factors...but I'm talking about my personal experience and interpretation right now.


You see, all my life I have been on the outside looking in. I've had people tell me what I'm capable of...tell me I'm too much of a dreamer...too much of an optimist...that I don't fit in. That I need to do x,y.z to fit in...to belong. For some reason I've never been able to be down with the status quo. Seriously. There is something physiological that keeps me from being able to even bullsh* that I'm conforming. And it's not even about "trying" to be radical. This is just me.


I've put myself through a lot of trials and tribulations. I've even made myself physically ill trying to conform. Trying to belong. Trying to fit into boxes and wear labels. Well I'm done with that.


Here's my New Life Resolution:

"I will stop trying to convince people that I fit in or am a good "cultural fit". (Because they're on to something. I really DON'T fit narrow labels or boxes.)


A stranger once told me that I'm a hundred years ahead of my time in my thinking. I'm thinking, I can either wait for groups and organizations to catch up with me...or not. Trying to fit in with organizations and prove myself based on their standards is now against my New Life Resolution. I'll still work with mostly anyone to create change, but I'm not going to try to compare myself to their standards and mold myself to look like someone they'd "want" on their team. 

Do you know what it's like to be outside of the Architect's equation and can't be balanced out? I can't do anything..but ME. In a world of assimilation and acculturation, and basically-white-washing...I am brown...and queer...and gender non-conforming. Everything "they" (the powers that be and people who buy into and perpetuate this system)wish doesn't exist. I inhabit a space that many other people at similar intersections create on their own, sometimes accidentally and sometimes purposefully.

What people? 

People like Gloria Anzaldua. People like Audre Lorde. Malcolm X. And don't get me on the plethora of artists living on the outside, driving themselves crazy because they feel so very alone in their forward thinking. So many folks on the margins- Basquiat. Baldwin. Hurston. Hooks.(I'm trying to name only people of color here...we know enough about Foucault and Van Gogh and blah blah blah). Sorry for not stating other brown artists. I'm still learning so much and can admit to my many blindspots and places for improvement.

The point is- the path is lonely.

I wonder- do you know that you're a great mind/exceptional artist/bad @ss organizer when you're the only one who understands you and you've left no box (or label) unturned, only to sit empty handed and outside looking in? 

No. you probably have no idea. You just feel weird, awkward, and sometimes even ugly inside. Not everyone. I'm convinced that you've got to grow the confidence that will turn into self-assurance and self-love. Some of us simply can't- there are mental, emotional and even physical, external blocks. 

Living in this world of conformists and assimilation can be too damn much. Being born brown...female-bodied...or queer and disabled...or any of these marginalized identities- stacking label on top of label...intersection after intersection can be too damn much. And for a person to invalidate us and tell us our experience is uniform or common- or worst, non-existent...and even worst than that, our problem or our fault - can push a person over the edge.

In my short(but not so short) amount of existence I have come to realize that it really isn't acceptance I'm seeking. I gave up on "acceptance" a long time ago. People always feign tolerance anyway...the "educated" ones...the "religious" ones. I know that "all I need to do is"... accept myself, be myself - but, it's not that simple. We live in a world where we are constantly interacting with other people. People always have their own perceptions and expectations. To tell a person that it is their own fault that they are having problems dealing with others putting them in boxes and perceiving them in a certain manner- that "all they need to do is" change their outlook..is frankly, insulting. That's like telling a slave or a person from the hood to look on the bright side, that oppression is all in their head. I know that our own perceptions are important, but C'MON! That's one of the reasons we are in this mess (acculturation and assimilation in so many institutions and situations) in the first place- people invalidating our experiences and us letting people tell us what we are experiencing and telling us how to experience it.

People are always quick to tell you who you are and what you're capable of (especially if you have multiple marginalized identities). From a young age I figured this out. From not being allowed to skip grades because I was brown in a white prep school (I didn't last long there)...to not being able to have access to GT (gifted and talented) classes because I was brown in a public school in a white suburb... to not being heard or my experiences not being validated in a classroom of white peers in liberal arts colleges...to...I could go on and on about the corporate world and the glass ceilings...it's an uphill battle. A struggle that I can't and refuse to smile through...let me frown for a second! Let me acknowledge exactly why this is happening to me...and then after processing and reflecting I will on my own terms choose to look on the brightside...or see the reality for what it is and choose to change it for myself. 


For myself.

So now you see why my world kind of went topsy turvy when the ONE place I thought I'd fit...told me I didn't. I know it happened for a reason. I'm pretty good at justifying and analyzing things so yeah, it really burns my biscuits when folks tell me to "be positive" or other renditions of this. I will. If you know me...you know that I will. But just let me feel this for a minute. Don't invalidate me...let me grieve...let me process this fully before I jump to the glass being half full or that I need to go on to my own projects/path anyway. Sigh.


That said...I always appreciate my friend's feedback. It's just a very complicated situation to talk about- belonging...Being...identity. People trying to tell you that you don't know who you are when you've spent your 20s figuring that out. 


Here is a recent reply to a friend on acceptance:

"I don't want acceptance. Not anymore. All I have ever wanted was to BE and for people to stop trying to tell me who I am and what I am capable of. [And stop telling me that I need to be/feel accepted and that something's wrong with me when I don't.] As brown and female-bodied it gets so frustrating. I have always known who I am but didn't have the language or confidence to tell people that they are wrong in their assessments of me. I used to always take the path of least resistance. And those are the times when I would lose myself. Not being able to "assimilate" and "play the game" is both a gift and a curse to us all at the intersections."



I know that I'm not the only one feeling this way.


Here's a pertinent and very applicable quote from Audre Lorde:  


“As a Black lesbian feminist comfortable with the many different ingredients of my identity, and a woman commited to racial and sexual freedom from oppression, I find I am constantly being encouraged to pluck out some one aspect of mysef and present this as a meaningful whole, eclipsing or denying the other parts of self. But this is a destructive and fragmenting way to live. My fullest concentration of energy is available to me only when I integrate all the parts of who I am, openly, allowing power from particular sources of my living to flow back and forth freely through all my different selves, without the restrictions of externally imposed definition. Only then can I bring myself and my energies as a whole to the service of those struggles which I embrace as part of my living.”
— from her essay Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference 
**Thanks to B for posting this right when I needed it




I wish there was some kind of support group for forward thinkers...for people at the intersections...for mystics and spiritual seekers...for everyone outside of the box or who wants to be outside of the box and is kept from climbing out. I've given up on belonging to the status quo...the system...the game...I know that there is no real place for me there. Sure, I can visit the matrix in my snazzy black long coat and shades...but there are always little reminders that I don't belong there. Whether it's not being a good "cultural fit" at organizations, or being too brown in "radical" groups, or being the wrong acronym in LGBT...too masculine for butches/studs...too feminine for FTMs...

dagnabbit just let me BE.


Acccckkk...leave me alone with all this! I've shed enough tears. Stop the policing of if a person is x,y,z enough. Stop the gatekeeping of who does and does not belong. It is 2012!!! Stop policing the damn cafeteria table. We don't HAVE to be alike to get along. I know this for a fact. Yes, A FACT. It's the differences that enrich us. This is AMERICA...and there are still people who don't get it...sigh.


That's not all...but...I'm done reflecting for now.


For now.

On mentoring and passing the torch

I had a great conversation with a fellow organizer that I truly respect and this topic came up. I'd like it to be part of a continuing dialogue on activist burnout. But why...you say. So many times, we spend so much time building the dream that we have envisioned that more often then not it takes folks wresting it from our clenched hands to get much more to happen outside of our own ideologies and methods.

This was and is one of the biggest problems with the Civil Rights Movement that sits stagnant or ...at least has plateaued. There are so many elders who have burnt out, become frustrated, lost their lives, disappeared from organizing, or who are not invested in the youth or who think the dream has been deferred. I know that there are a myriad of reasons for this but there are no excuses whatsoever to give up on not one man's dream...but a whole world's right to equality....no...not equality- humanity.

Yea, we youth don't appreciate the path that was forged before us a lot of the times. However, it's not entirely our fault. We are handed limited information about our roots and forced to assimilate and acculturate as soon as we are walking and talking and not just by "the man"- by our own communities...by our own families, even.

It's hard to appreciate what you don't know happened...or a struggle that you can't identify with. It's hard to reject images that are thrown at you right and left and expectations that are placed on you from a young age by the "dominant" culture- and your own culture.  We are a generation that has reaped both the privilege and the disparities of the previous generation. We have an abundance and yet a dirth due to choices that were not ours- and seemingly were never meant to be ours.

Yea...everyone on this planet is dealing with something. I realize this. But we're talking about my particular generation right now.

So what do we do?

The youth need guidance. Mentors. People who are not too jaded and burnt out to show us what works and doesn't. To be supportive. To tell us about what they've overcome and how they've been able to do it. To tell us we get on their nerves. To tell us we're disrespectful. To tell us we're privileged...disenfranchised..naive...brilliant...strong...weak...

To tell us SOMETHING.

Yea...some of us don't want to listen. But a lot of us aren't ready...and a lot of us are. Just like a lot of elders can't be mentors and some can. We've got to bridge this gap so we can advance. Who's we? We queers. We brown/black folks. We [name region here]. We Americans. We on this planet.

And elders have got to pass that torch. I know your cause is near and dear...but you've got to do it or else the movement will stagnate. People will go off and do their own thing and we will be divided. There will be a cause and no effect. Some of us are ready to hear your knowledge...please don't keep it to yourself. Please don't think we won't appreciate it. Please don't say we have to learn it the hard way...just like you did. This is about moving forward together.  This is about acknowledging our differences but respecting them all the same so we can get ourselves out of this mess. This milieu.

So pass that torch...but don't just throw it and hope we catch it. Teach us how to hold it and light the way for everyone...so that we can continue doing the same for the next leaders. Share your wisdom. We might not have the same strategies but I'm sure we have a common vision.

Our POC Reclamation and Retrieval in the Arts (but don't call it a Renaissance)

Often, I go out of my way to support POC in any way possible. From music (especially "alternative", punk, rock, jazz, experimental, new wave, etc.), art, theater, magazines, media, online shows, films (especially independent ones and the ones that stay on the film festival circuit briefly)- to community organizations, groups- political and not-so-political, groups committed to indirect action and direct action, community gardens, mentor and leadership programs, youth-run groups, anti-racist organizing, civil rights organizing (including for LGBT, queer/genderqueer, disability, feminist or womyn's rights, etc. ). I didn't notice myself doing this at first. I think it started  with Austin. (*dream sequence harp music*)

I lived in San Antonio for 5 years- immersed in Latino/Brown culture and then, abruptly moved to Austin to begin organizing and working at a non-profit that supported Central Texas. I experienced culture shock, but I wasn't able to put my finger on it for some time. I'd moved from a town that was predominantly brown to one that was predominantly white. Most of the brown/black folks lived across the highway and were continuing to be pushed farther from the center of town. Something was up with this city that claimed to be so "liberal" and "progressive." Brown and black folks were struggling while gentrification was continuing to creep in. I rarely saw any black or brown folks in suits downtown. Most were working behind cash registers in the service industry and later I'd find out that there were a lot involved in non-profit organizations or as social workers,etc.  Very few Austinites, besides the heavily political college students or activists, seemed to have a clue about what was going on in the town along racial lines and socioeconomically. So, this environment created within me a yearning to understand what was going on racially and to find a space where I could converse with others who viewed what was happening and had a similar perspective to my own.

Media
Years before, I had begun working with a gay and lesbian film festival in Austin and  noticed right away that there were very few people of color on staff or represented in the films that were chosen. Around that time when I was trying my hand at screenwriting, acting, cast assisting, and filmmaking, I took note of the same trend. Hmm...where are the people of color? When writing my screenplays I didn't know how to (or want to) create characters that weren't brown or queer and back then I'm not sure people reading them knew how to handle this or how to deal with it. (Which is not a valid excuse, but I've seen it used a lot for different  purposes- such as employing someone! Namely, a brown or queer person. erg)

Fast forward to now- there are web series, films like Pariah, emerging networks like Q-ROC.tv, and we have a presence in the online media like never before. Excellent. It's ripe for all of us to really grow our creativity and continue to plant seeds. Brown folks are showing out and more importantly, showing up!

Music
Another key to my awakening and reclamation was (and remains to be) music. Music is a really important part of my life. Growing up, I was that kid who listened to everything but didn't say anything so I wouldn't get criticized for it. Do you remember what happened to black kids who listened to rock, punk, etc. in junior high? Yea- you were ostracized.  I had to listen to Bjork, ska, and punk in the privacy of my own home. All but a few of my friends were listening to R&B and rap and that was it. Interestingly enough, in high school I stayed mainly to myself so I could preserve my style and taste in music without criticism and sought out a handful of friends who were also "outside the box." Nah, I wasn't completely a loner- I was a track star ;). And you know that people in "athletics" roll deep.

My mom listened to all kinds of music from the 50s-70s and my stepdad listened to all types of old and nu jazz. So, I guess from the beginning my musical tastes were pretty diversified. Weeeell- at some point I think I went off the deep end and most of the bands I was listening to were basically a bunch of white folks. This was before AND after my "conscious" phase where I listened to only neo-soul and downtempo music. (Smiles). Well, let's face it- most of the mainstream bands (especially rock and alternative bands) that we had access to were white! Record execs didn't give many black/brown folks the chance to branch out of hip hop and r&b.

So, at some point, I began noticing that white folks were all I was listening to and I began digging and digging for any bands that had a black/brown singer (besides Lenny Kravitz). Then I started looking for completely brown bands. I got deep into afro-punk music. I became fascinated by all these black, female lead singers who were creating a new type of music with the "soul" I had grown up with -Santogold, Janelle Monae, Skye Edwards from Morcheeba, the lead singer from Esthero...and of course...back in high school, Kelis. And now we also have Tamar-Kali, Arama Mara, Joya Bravo, Amanda Rey, Sarah White, and Esperanza Spalding- just to name a few. I can't express to you how excited I am every time I hear of a new singer or band that is majority POC and creating unique music.

I remember hearing Tamar-Kali for the first time. I walked into a dark room full of people swaying and headbanging and I heard this soulful and brooding voice over guitar riffs and outstanding drums...and I looked at the people who I came in with and one said "Yea, this is me. I can get into this." I made my way to the stage and stood in front, really feeling the energy. I realized that a soulful, brown voice was what I'd been missing in all my years of listening to rock, punk and alternative. I needed those two worlds to come together; the soulfulness of r&b and the angsty, rebelliousness of rock. Well, black/brown folks invented rock. Yes, we all know that. Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Fats Domino, Ritchie Valens, Los Lobos, El Chicano and so many others...all those great singers from the 50s! But it was stolen from us. Appropriated and turned into something else. Something almost unrecognizable and some could argue- soulless.

At the same time that we are reclaiming our music in larger numbers, I'm experiencing a similar reclamation within myself.  A reconciliation of all these worlds that we've been socialized to believe that don't fit together. Much like the whole idea behind Awkward Black Girl, we don't all fit into boxes and do what we're "supposed to". I learned that early on. But truly respecting and honoring my differences came a little later, once the shame dissipated. I really appreciate the Afro-punk website and other people doing similar work. Those who are trying to keep us informed about black/brown folks who are creating awesome music...awesome art...awesome films...Those who are branching out and showing us all another image of who we are and can be, like Q-Roc.TV. I seriously can't wait til everything is in place. That network is going to be a hub...it's going to bring all us brown queers and allies together. It's something I wish I would have had when I was growing up. But, it's never too late! I'm sure I'll appreciate more, now that I know more about my artistic roots and heritage because networks like these can be hard to come by.

Our Predecessors and Where we came from
For years the Audre Lorde Project (ALP) and Allgo and many, many other POC LGBT/queer organizations have existed. I think that right now we're witnessing a breaking away from tradition but, at the same time, a keeping of the spirit of this tradition. We're no longer trying to form non-profits and seeking 501(c)3s. We're just doing kickstarter campaigns and going ahead with our projects, unfettered by government rules, regulations and funding. I see POC supporting each other a lot more in separate projects and coming together as collectives as well. This is the future, folks. It can't happen any other way. We have to support each other. Whether it's potlucks and community gardens, or coming together to form networks and organizations that support our communities, or starting new communities where we help build sustainable houses and live off the land. Or maybe some of us stay in urban centers but help with policy change and community support there.

Not a revival- a Retrieval
We as POC, are no longer being bamboozled and buying into the assimilationist "American Dream." This western culture that we've been forced to take on is not our culture. It is oppressive and has led to additional suffering. Our diets have deteriorated, our way of life has deteriorated, the way we interact with one another has deteriorated. The colonists tried to dig up our roots and tried to destroy us, but our roots run deep and are very strong. What we are seeing is the spirit and guidance of our ancestors calling us back to our roots and reminding us to dig deep into that reservoir to discover our strength. As we continue with our self-discovery and to work on who we are individually, we also discover how to improve our relationships and how to act/respond/build collectively. As we support each other, we become less and less dependent on the dominant (read:white) culture and begin reflecting on where we came from and how we can continue advancing together. We are reclaiming those parts of  the core of our collective community that have been trampled on and lost due to acculturation. You can call this movement not a renaissance,or rebirth/revival, but more of a (Soul)Retrieval.