Owning Orlando

We are all complicit in what is happening/has happened in Orlando and the numerous other meeting places of "marginalized" folks that have been targeted by law enforcement, disgruntled townspeople, terrorists, etc. The American people need to own Orlando. Own what it's really about. It's about the premises that this country rests upon. It's about the colonizer's legacy: White supremacy, patriarchy, xenophobia, war-mongering, genocide, etc. (And in saying this, let's acknowledge where the colonizers came from and that it's not just an "American" problem, as a significant portion of the world has been affected by colonization).

Many of us are broken and scarred, healed and healing, wounded healers, victims, perpetrators all at the same time. My questions will always be- what do communities of healing look like and how do we continue co-creating them in the face of trauma and tragedy? What does OUR healing look like when layers upon layers of genocide continue to happen? When our movements are rooted in centuries, millenia of injustice and barbarity. Yes, there is room for the therapy of acknowledging, talking, protesting and I wonder- who among us will co-create circles of healing, join together our healing super powers/ancestral inheritance (whatever they may look like- cooking for our families, energetic and/or or physical healing, going to the capitol, staying at home in bed and healing, reaching out to loved ones, writing articles, poetry, making street art, etc.) and form an even larger healing, liberatory network of folks resisting the narrative that we will always be wounded, marginalized, dependent on the dominant for our liberation (funding-loans, grants, land, health, etc.)

This is what I KNOW: my ancestors did not survive what they did for me to sit around complicit in any of this. It is an affront to all they endured and overcame. People may see my blackness, my queerness, my gender variance, my illness as marginalization but, in reality, those are my superpowers. It's why I connect with medicine making the way I do. Colonization, colonialism...the colonizers, those folks who are commemorated in statues, plaques, money, etc. ...they are the reason my superpowers are seen as weaknesses and reasons to be murdered. But my ancestors knew that people like me had healing powers and that our otherness was sacred. This knowledge is what I try to share with our queer communities (especially our QTIPOC) communities so they know the Truth about who we are and where we come from.

So,
Let's continue to address the ills and legacy of colonization in substantial ways. Let's continue to look at our place, the ways that we perpetuate patriarchy, xenophobia, homophobia, etc. and what we're doing within our own families and communities to address this. And let's understand what we need to heal individually and collectively when these tragedies happen. How are we healing from historical trauma and present-day tragedy? Who is holding us? How do we need to be held? It is too much to handle alone..."self"-care here is not going to be enough.


We need collective healing and collective liberation.

Shutting it Down Without Shutting Down

So, it's the holidays. You just want to sit down and spend time with the fam/loved ones/ yourself and not have to think of cities burning, police violence...injustice. You turn off Facebook, the TV, and stay offline for self-care because remembering hurts. Seeing so blatantly that black lives don't matter to many with institutional and positional power, the power to make many decisions that affect our day to day lives and well-being, shakes you to the core. And deep down you already knew this, you knew this before you were born. It is part of our DNA.

Those of you who are retraumatized by all that is happening, I hope and pray you find balm for those deep psychic wounds with friends and created family and in community.

Those, like me, with chronic illness perhaps sitting at or being pushed to the margin of these movements because you can't physically be on the frontlines , know that you are enough and you are doing enough. Your healing IS part of these larger movements.

Another way that those of us not having the mental, emotional or physical capacity to be in the streets can take part, besides in taking care of ourselves and our loved ones, is to not shop today. One day. No matter how great the sale, it is not worth the cost.

Help those putting their bodies on the line to shut places down- cities, stores, highways, by simply not purchasing a single thing today.

Help #ShutItDown

It's part of the healing this country needs.


For more on trauma and DNA:

http://discovermagazine.com/2013/may/13-grandmas-experiences-leave-epigenetic-mark-on-your-genes
http://thegrio.com/2012/04/24/study-shows-violence-changes-the-dna-of-children/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/04/140413135953.htm

Historical trauma and microaggressions:

http://www.acesconnection.com/blog/historical-trauma-and-microaggressions

Healing collective and multigenerational trauma:

http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/12/02/healing-historical-trauma-through-promoting-traditional-culture-mainstream-medicine
http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/love-and-the-apocalypse/free-yourself-from-the-past

http://www.healingcollectivetrauma.com/links.html

Info on Ferguson:

Open letter
Updates
Give to the Defense Fund
Ferguson Rapid Response Giving

#blacklivesmatter:
A Her story of the #blacklivesmatter movement

Also...this:
Ain't I a Human?: Ferguson and the Negligence of Black Women, Femmes and Girls
Sympathy, Outrage and White Humanity: Reflections on BDS, Anti-Black Racism and Justine Sacco 
We are NOT all Trayvon: Challenging Anti-Black Racism in POC CommunitiesBlackness is the Fulcrum
Things To Stop Being Distracted By When A Black Person Gets Murdered By Police

THE 14 TEENS KILLED BY COPS SINCE MICHAEL BROWN

Some Things You Oughtta Know

I'm going to be honest right now about my situation. This week...I am selling my services/writings for survival. Perhaps honesty is the best policy because 1266 people on facebook saw my post about the Genderqueer Files episodes and I have yet to sell a single download on etsy. (By the way- it's a .pdf file...you don't need a kindle or any kind of fancy reader besides adobe.) 

It's been really difficult and I'm really dealing with a lot of emotions around self-worth as I find it harder and harder to find a job and people look at me as if I'm not pulling my own weight in life because I am an organizer and an artivist. I spend about 20-30 hours a week organizing in various connected movements. Salary=$0. People say..." Well stop organizing and go get whatever job you can get to sustain yourself". And I think to myself...'Geez I never thought of that'. 

Of course I've thought of that.

Of course I have. 

I've applied to grocery stores, retailers, custodial jobs. I know it's a tough market but there's something else complicating my search. It's the fact that I'm brown and genderqueer in a racist, homo/transphobic pseudo-liberal pseudo-progressive town (called Austin). People like to act like something is wrong with me because I have this experience and these qualifications and can't get a job. And though deep down I know that systemic oppression has seriously limited the jobs I can have in life (or is it just in these pseudo-liberal towns?), I just keep internalizing the rejection experience and white people's judgments (because my experience is not their experience, so it must not be true or valid) and my family's judgments until I start to ask myself “What is wrong with me?” It's really psychologically, emotionally and spiritually damaging.

I try to pull myself up by the bootstraps I was never given and instead of complaining about this racist, transphobic, pseudo-liberal, pseudo-progressive town that will not hire me no matter my qualifications because of my marginalized identities, try even harder to sell my writings and pull my weight if you will. But all the while I continue to internalize that many people don't think that artist's work is valuable and believe that it comes easy to us and that it should be free. 

I struggle constantly with wondering if my work has value and it's the people I meet in person at book fairs and on tour that remind me that it does resonate with some people. I get affirmation that my work does matter, even if it's not sustaining me the way I would like it to.

It's damaging when our communities seem to want organizers, activists, artivists, etc. to do all this work x3 for free.99. That also goes for submissions  to publications and workshops and donations to archives and projects. We know that funding is scarce but we've got to try to work harder to find ways to pay people or make even exchanges. Also, organizers who are parents need support. People who are sacrificing a ton of time for their community and who are getting burnt out, need emotional, psychological, and spiritual support. Community members who can't eat or pay their bills yet work 2-3 jobs need financial support!

I have to say that it is really disheartening feeling like when I actually try to “earn my keep” by selling my services/my writings/art, etc. to survive- that people are turning up their noses and thinking I should just get a “real job”. I know I don't work at an office or a restaurant or whatever institution, corporation or non-profit but it is mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting work to organize across issues/movements, write, continue my education as a healer, provide resources to multiple communities, support my friends and created family's emotionally and spiritually, AND manage my lupus symptoms and take good care of my own self. 

If this strife sounds normal to you and you are thinking what my mom always says when I tell her about being overwhelmed with pain or stress- “And?What else is new?” - there's a serious problem. We should not be running ourselves into the ground, folks. We should be supported in using our gifts, skills and abilities. If we have the time to step up and organize within our communities, we should not be left in the cold when we need emotional, psychological, spiritual or financial support ourselves. We need to hold each other accountable for this. No one should be left unsupported.

It makes me extremely sad and upset when I think about my financial situation and my inability to sustain myself despite how hard I work to support myself and others. I think about how just 2 weeks ago, my health “insurance” (it's really from a charity/foundation) was taken away and when I went to pay for my meds- I had to tell them to recount them and only give me a months worth because now I couldn't afford it. Or...I think about how I've had this infected tooth for months now...and 2 dentists that help lower income folks said they don't do root canals, but that they'll pull the tooth (which I've had happen waaay too many times over the last few years due to my economic situation)- and another charitable organization that does sliding scale fees said the minimum amount I could pay is $400-500. Yea- I can't afford that. I can't afford my rent this month. I can't afford to apply for residencies that might help me to be able to focus on my art and organizing. 

I can't focus on my writing and all these ideas I have for sharing knowledge and co-creating vibrant communities because I feel so broken spirited over finances and am constantly having these negative, circular thoughts about my worth and am trying to strategize about how to hustle and make rent and feed myself- and from that dark place.

I broke down in tears just yesterday because a friend reminded me of my steady commitment to providing resources for my communities: workshops, skillshares, constant, tireless organizing across issues in different movements, healing work and the emotional support and overall investment I've made and yet...I am still here struggling and barely surviving and finding it hard to pay for my life-sustaining medication and rent. All the while trying to keep resources accessible to those in my situation...those of you who look/are like me or who are in similar situations to my own.

The point my friend was making is that our communities need to do better in supporting each other physically, emotionally, spiritually and yes, even financially. I see many of my artivist and activist friends struggling to survive, just like me. You may see them everywhere online or in person but that does not translate to economic stability. It actually more than likely means they are hustling and on the grind and probably struggling and trying to survive.

Writing/making art is a full-time job (on top of other jobs) for many of us...and not just a hobby. It is extremely hard work. It is mentally, emotionally and spiritually taxing, especially when we're writing about difficult themes like oppression and liberation or calling out colonialism and systems of oppression and oppressors. Some of us even get threatened and run out of town.

It took me over a year to write Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ and I was working full and part-time jobs on and off. Part 3/Act 3 is still not completely to my liking and I still have so much work to do on making it a community workshop and a novella so people can engage with it's themes and not have to be reading through stage directions. I am also working on a number of other resource guides like Queering Herbalism 2, zines about decolonizing food justice and white supremacy in pseudo-liberal towns, wellness fairs, herbal freedom school workshops...and much more.

True, some folks might just not be into reading a story about brown queers or reading about q/poc and holistic health or zines on anti-oppression. I'm challenging our Q/POC community and allies to be more supportive of art that centers the experience of queer and trans people of color. There's not a whole lot of it out there...there's more than there ever was...but it's still not enough.

I know that some aren't financially able right now. But those of you who are, please see and respect that this work is valuable and that we artists/artivists/activists need to survive and can't write or give all our writing/art/services for free. Many will attest that I do at just about every event but this isn't sustainable.  Printing costs money. And I've spent many hours writing, researching, and organizing non-stop and it deserves to be compensated just like anyone else who is working a 9-5 or over a 40 hour work week.

It is hard for some of us to reach out to our communities for support because we're afraid we'll be judged or rejected. I know this is true for me. I am writing this because I have no choice but to reveal my vulnerability and to let you know that I struggle just like you no matter how many hundreds of people around the world read my writings. I am the embodiment of many of those statistics about brown, queer people who can't get health care or who are unemployed due to discrimination. I am the embodiment of those statistics about transfolks of color that you read about online or in class or talk about with your rad buddies over dinner. Even if I am sitting with a bunch of middle class, educated organizers and activists who make assumptions that we are all thriving, that is not my story. That is not my reality. I am barely surviving and fighting to exist. Fighting to not be erased every day.

Thanks for listening. Reaching out like this has been really healing.

Here's more information about the Genderqueer Files episodes:
http://www.afrogenderqueer.com/#!genderqueerfiles/c160u

You can purchase Part 1 episode 1-3 HERE until 12/15. Part 2 episodes will be up 12-15 til 12/22.

My other writings can also be found on the Etsy website. And you can get printed versions of my writings (*everything except Genderqueer Files and Queering Herbalism) through the shop&cart page on the afrogenderqueer website HERE.

And if you have found value in my writings or in the free resources I've compiled (on queerherbalism.blogspot.com)but you aren't interested in buying anything but still want to support, there is a donation button on the afrogenderqueer webpage HERE.


Email me for other purchase options/methods of payment.

Thank you again for reading/listening.

Toi
AGQ
Philosophactivist

Joys of Job Hunting while Trans- Part 2

This weekend I immediately knew exactly why I didn't get hired. 

Because I'm trans. It's happened to me many times in the last few years, which is why I'm so certain. It always starts out the same...the HR Director calls you, becomes enamored, and you make it to the next round of interviews and woo everyone. You do well on all the screening and tests and they're excited. And then either I show up, in person, dressed in my usual “masculine” clothing and there's a shift, or another person comes in to interview me and even after all the smiles and the “go ahead “of the first two folks there's a shift. It's always something like, 'I'm not a good cultural fit' or there were better qualified candidates'...but this time I guess I was more sensitive to the shift that happened in the room on that fourth interview.

Maybe because the shift was so abrupt. I'd just spent all this time smiling and laughing and talking about my past as an organizer and how my food justice background fit in great with the company and she was practically talking like I'd already gotten the job. She was talking about me sitting on the diversity council and these different committees the company has. She also said I'd scored higher than anyone ever on the quiz they gave us. They also dug my creativity in the 2^nd interview.

And then, she called in her white, male boss.

He came in and looked at me. I didn't think he'd be a “problem.” He barely looked at my resume, thumbing through it, he asked the same questions she'd asked and apologized for it. Then he saw “TBTS” and that I'd “worked” there. He asked what TBTS is. I thought, well, surely someone had read my detailed description of my position with this resource guide for trans folks, I mean I'd come this far in the process. But my gut told me, this was not going to be cool.

I told them what it stood for, Trans Bodies, Trans Selves and that it was a resource guide for gender non-conforming folks. The interviewer who'd just interviewed me, my would-be supervisor kind of just stared but was trying not to make a face. Her supervisor's face changed visibly and he ended the interview right there and they said they were going to step outside and talk. I knew right away that this wasn't going to be good.

She came back in and her tone had changed. She asked if I had any questions. I said most had been answered in the last interview and she started apologizing for the long interview process, which I found odd. Then I remembered to ask her about start dates and she skirted around the issue and I knew for sure then that I hadn't gotten the job. They'd told us orientation dates at the last interview orientation, why was she not telling them to me now? She walks me out of the back room and tries to be nice and ask what I'm going to do for the rest of the day and kind of rushes me off saying she'd be in touch by Monday. She'd mentioned earlier that her boss's boss was out of town and they still had to go over the other pool of applicants together.

I walked home feeling confused and defeated. The next day (a day earlier than when she said she would get back to me) I got an email and I knew before I opened it that it was a rejection letter.

“[Legal Name that I'd told them I never use], thank you for your interest in growing a career with[company name].
The search to locate an ideal candidate for the position at [company name]has provided [company name]with many outstanding applicants such as you and we sincerely appreciate your time and effort. At this time we are proceeding forward with other candidates.
You are welcome to apply for any open position at [company name].”

So after rocking out three interviews and testing well, there were mysteriously better candidates.

I'm not setting foot in that place again. It's sad because there aren't any quality health/food stores around here and I will have to go out of my way to avoid not being a patron of this place.

I feel shame for even being upset about not getting this job. This is the very place that made me feel uncomfortable when I first moved to this side of town. I always felt like people were watching what I was buying, like, “oh...I didn't know brown people eat kale!”

I kid you not...a few weeks ago I had my headphones on (because it makes me feel more comfortable in that environment) and I was reeeeally focused on the particular section I was at and out of the corner of my eye I see a little old white lady flagging me down. I mean, trying really hard to get my attention. I slowly turn my head to see what's going on and she says something about liking my hat or my outfit or something.

Really?

Has your privilege and entitlement gotten you to that point? The point where you think everyone must stop what they're doing to acknowledge you and listen to whatever it is you have to say about their wardrobe? I've also had other choice moments of feeling uncomfortable that are too many to mention.

So why did I apply here?

You really want to know? I needed the money and I was close to doing work in the “informal economy”. You know, where a lot of trans folks end up. Those positions that are always hiring people like us.

The store called me back the next day after I'd completed my online application and I convinced myself that it would be great to work at a whole foods-like store while I also was picking up hours at the local farmer's market associated with my last food justice job.

Never mind that I had the sneaking sensation that I would be perpetuating this age-old assumption in Austin that brown people are here to serve white people. It's like...wherever you go, brown people are cleaning up after them, serving them meals, etc. So when they ask you if you work there when you know damn well you don't...well you know where that comes from.

There's this expectation that you, as a brown person, should be subservient. You don't see black and brown businessmen here hardly ever. Why? Because they aren't a good “cultural fit” just like I'm not a good “cultural fit”. And when they say that you aren't a “good cultural fit” that generally means that they can't say racist jokes comfortably in front of you or they feel like they won't be able to “relate” to your “people”. It means they can't make fun of queer people or other marginalized folks without getting called on it or fired. So better not to hire you at all.

I think there's also some HR theory somewhere that says that you can't hire a brown person unless you hire one or two others at the same time. Some kind of pseudo-critical mass. So when I looked around the group interview the other day, I thought, 'Uh oh'. But, then I saw that the others were mostly light skinned Latinas and I was a little more relieved. Dark brown, light brown- it's still pseudo-critical mass, right? Ahhh but I was the only female-bodied person in a tie and a men's dress shirt. But I made it through that interview. It was when I was alone in the fourth interview with the white man that all my identities...brown, queer, trans- oh and let's not forget the natural hair- became too much! Overload! I couldn't possibly be a good cultural fit.

I was down and out for a bit. Kicking myself for caring. Kicking myself for forgetting that this is how it goes for me. I thought long and hard, and the only paying jobs I've gotten in the last few years have been 1) Americorps VISTA and 2) phone interviews.

Would I have gotten those jobs had I shown up in person? I think we know the answer. They may have chosen another candidate who didn't challenge their perceptions. Or maybe they would have hired me to get “liberal” and “progressive” points. “Hey Bob...I totally hired a brown person today. And guess what! They were trans too! With natural hair!” *High 5s Bill and Randy*

Friends are down to help me fight this. They want me to go to the EEOC, the company's HR department, lawyers,etc. but I honestly don't have a lot of fight in me right now. I'm looking for jobs. I'm trying to survive. This is how they get us. They know we can't afford to deal with their bigotry.

And say I did fight this. Then what? Would they give me a job? Would I want that job? An elder told me the other day that the best thing I could do is get hired and through my work ethic prove that they were wrong about me. But, I'm over that. I'm not here to convince people that I'm a human being that deserves respect like everyone else. They have trainings for that.

I'm not here for that.

It reminds me of something a student said in a workshop I facilitated on Power and Privilege. A student, a black woman, said that it was the black man's responsibility to not be like the stereotypes that are out there...to go above and beyond the stereotypes. I asked the two other black men what they thought, and they agreed. I was shocked...but not for long. 

We can't survive with that mentality.

No. It is not our responsibility to prove to anyone who has these biases and prejudices that these false assumptions and expectations are, in fact, wrong. That makes absolutely no sense. White people aren't preoccupied with that. I feel like it's brown folks who are always wondering about what it means if they speak, dress, or act a certain way. I find myself constantly monitoring what I wear out in certain parts of town, if I wear my hair out in certain places, if my hands are visible enough in stores, if my clothing will attract the wrong kind of attention from cops or suburbanites, and the list goes on and on. I don't know what it feels like to not have these mental checklists regarding my appearance and its affect on other people's behavior. I just don't.

So then the shame. How dare I walk in to this bougie store full of white upper class people and expect them to see me for who I am. How dare I buy into the hype. How dare I think I'm human and not just some invisibilized object that serves, speaks when spoken to, or who moves out of the way when they want me to. A nobody who accepts that I can't have certain jobs because of who I am. My identity in itself is just too political. Why don't I erase some pieces of me, so that I can belong?

But I know more than anyone that I never can. I never will. I am brown. I am queer. I am trans. Many, many people in this world wish that I did not exist. They wish my words would fall on deaf ears. It's overwhelming sometimes when I think of how many people wish me not only jobless, but lifeless. How many people would take my life because of who I am. Because of who they think I am and what I represent.

It's a lot. And I don't want to smile. I want to feel this. I don't want to be delusional. I want to acknowledge this. And I don't want to just be content knowing that this job just wasn't for me. I want to be real and know that most jobs out there aren't for people like me.

But I'm here.

Joys of Job hunting while Trans- Part 1

As much as I wish that people were clamoring to hire me for a lucrative position at some ridiculously amazing think tank or organization, I have to be real and say that with this shining, stellar economy, pickin’s are slim. I can’t quite figure out which part of my identity is keeping me from landing jobs, either. Is it my skin color? Is it my visible queerness- i.e. transmasculinity? Is it the long list of queer-related or identity-oriented organizing on my resume? Is it the ethnocentric degree? All of the above?

Many don’t seem to realize the additional barriers present when I’m applying for jobs. Some think that it’s about toning something down. As if I could hide my transness, wipe off my brownness or have some skeleton of a resume, missing the last 5 years of the activism I’ve done. (Though you can be sure I've tried these things, unsuccessfully...all but wiping off the brownness, of course).

When did places start asking your gender (they mean "sex") and “legal” name? I didn’t realize how upsetting that can get after a few weeks. I mean…when I show up I’ve already set the stage for being misgendered and they’re calling me a name that hardly anyone has called me this decade. It’s annoying and it makes me feel shame. Shame for not paying the hundreds of dollars to have my name changed years ago. Shame for feeling shame that I don't look the way they expect me to look to call me by the proper pronouns.

Here's a true scenario-

at a four hour interview three girls and I showed up and the recruiter kept referring to our group as “ladies”.  “So glad we’re all a bunch of ladies…now I can talk about how proud I am that this company was started by ladies.” “Oh all you ladies get it…” etc. When I came into the back room for the group interview I panicked because they’d put our names on the desk and I didn’t see mine anywhere. I was just about to mention it when I remembered…hey, they probably put my legal name. I didn’t even recognize my legal name. Call it cognitive dissonance. It happens a lot lately.

I realize that I’m at an interesting impasse. As a "feminine-looking", masculine presenting person who has decided not to take testosterone or transition, people tend to just assume I’m a butch lesbian. The fact that I’m a different gender doesn’t really register, I find. I get it. But does the application process have to be so highly set up for me to fail? My cursor often hoovers over M or F. Well, if I say F…I’m lying and if I say M, they’ll think I’m lying when I show up at the interview.

I don’t want to put my legal name but it is still my legal name. I could just put what I go by anyway, but I’ve done that before and it’s been a bust. Prospective employers get upset when their paperwork has to be redone and they feel as if you’ve lied to them over something as “trivial” as a nickname. They don’t realize the gravity of it for trans folks. Sometimes we’ve spent decades trying to get away from a name that traps us in a gender that doesn’t match. I have no love for my legal name. It makes me feel hollow. It hasn’t been “me” in a very long time. Like- ever. So, having to always start there during the hiring process doesn’t make me feel all that great. In fact, sometimes I shut down. Sometimes I won’t apply at all. Sometimes I get really depressed and shame surfaces.

Some folks think that I should just be who the job wants me to be til I get hired. They think I should wear feminine clothing. Be less trans. But for me, that’s worse than just being me and not getting hired. At least then I know that the people who thought I wasn’t a good “cultural fit” were bigots. I remember being in my early 20s and having to dress the women’s dress code during the day and coming home and ripping off those clothes and throwing on an undershirt and basketball shorts or a dress shirt, jeans, and shoes from the "men's section" at night. It really began to mess with my head. Who was I? I didn’t want to keep up the charade so I completely started dressing in men’s clothing daily and I felt so much better. It was such a weight off my shoulders, not having to parade around dressed as a gender that didn’t resonate.

I was more confident and the guys I worked with saw this and respected me more. That’s a whole other conversation, though- being inducted into the boy's club (because I slept with women and then this being further cemented as a member when I started wearing ties). It wasn’t exactly what I was going for and once there, it definitely wasn’t what I wanted. Free lap dances at the strip club after work, hearing about them cheating on their wives or wanting to, hearing about how big so-and-so’s breasts were, all the time. Ah the financial industry! Full of bros and misogyny. Such not so fond times over a decade ago when men took me into their fold and thought they’d try to relate to my masculinity in every problematic way possible.

I guess that's another entry waiting to happen...

Stay tuned for part 2 of the joys of job hunting while Trans...I've still got interviewing to do.

The thing about poverty...

The thing about poverty is that it actually does discriminate. "They"' will tell you it doesn't, but you and I both know that it does. Poverty seems to take an interest in certain races and ethnicities, certain sexualities, and people with a certain degree of education. Poverty more often than not informs our next steps, end goals, and the quality of our outcomes in life more than we care to admit.

Poverty isn't just about wealth. You can be emotionally and spiritually poor. You can have poor health. To say that someone just wasn't trying hard enough not to be impoverished in any of these ways, to me, sounds like either people are in denial or that they just don't "get it".

Let's start with the basics. If I can't eat food that will sustain me...if there are no grocery stores for miles and all I've got is a corner store and 3 fast food restaurants down the block...how can I be healthy? If I don't have health, how can I function? How can I not go into debt? If the schools close to me are understaffed and lacking in quality, how can I compete with people seeking the same employment who did get a quality education? And if I've got to work 3 jobs to barely survive- is that sustainable for me, my family, or my community?

Now let's add race into the mix. It's no coincidence that though there are less black and brown folks in this nation (this is rapidly changing!) that a larger percentage of black and brown folks live in poverty. This has nothing to do with boot straps and everything to do with structures, institutions and systems that are discriminatory... yes, racist. They'll say that there are laws against this and that everyone is color-blind and this is a post-racial society but you and I both know the reality. No amount of repeating these blatant lies are going to make them true...so why do black and brown folks keep on trying to buy into this? Why do they hold on to the hopes that they will hold "equal" power (through assimilation) instead of deconstructing these systems and holding on to their cultures, dignity, and integrity? Maybe it's internalized racism...maybe it's delusion. Maybe we're just tired of struggling. Our generation sure is tired. Our ancestors sure didn't have that luxury. 

How about sexuality? The LGB, and more disproportionately T, community is more likely to be in poverty. They face employment discrimination and higher rates of unemployment, higher rates of homelessness, more discrimination in health care settings. And though added visibility and the past few decades is bringing about change, it's not fast enough. The violence the LGBT community meets with on a daily basis is terrifying. And being a queer person of color makes you even more vulnerable. You encounter more police brutality, more violence from peers and the community, and more discrimination at work and at clinics and hospitals.

In this nation...the issue is that poverty is seen as a character flaw. The impoverished brought it on themselves or they may even be seen as lacking in values or morals. Or maybe God is punishing them because in America, anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and be rich. Everyone has opportunities. Yet...poverty is best defined as the lack of opportunities to improve one's situation. Hmm...No one wants to believe that they can't improve your situation or that they don't have opportunities. Better yet, the same opportunities as others. That's valid. But we have to open our eyes and see the reality. There are a lot of people who are struggling to survive. There are a lot of people in a cycle of generational (not situational) poverty. Sometimes it's hard to relate to what it feels like to not have your basic needs met when you've never been in that situation. This makes it easier to be detached and blame those who aren't meeting their needs.

But everyone can experience poverty. It's even more of a reality these days. Unfortunately that seems to be where the starting point is for building across differences in race/ethnicity, gender, and sexuality. Would you rather struggle alone or pull together to start a community garden, to help start a community clinic, or to improve the schools in your district? Some in this country would like us to believe that we can just turn our head and not be affected by the suffering of others. Here are some examples of the falsity of that...the rich are affected by the number of poor folks on public assistance. Companies are affected by less people being able to buy their products and services. Hospitals are affected by more emergency visits due to less people having health care insurance. If there are lower literacy rates and more people dropping out of school, there are higher crime rates which affect just about everyone. Gentrification will eventually displace more than just the lower class.

This lack of foresight will destroy (is destroying) this country.

I'm in my second term at a "national community service" organization that shall remain unnamed til I finish out my term.  In this program, you live at poverty level and serve at organizations committed to helping those in  low income communities. I'm just going to say this- there aren't a lot of black and brown folks. And a lot of them come from a privileged background. I'm fairly sure this program was designed for those who are upper middle class or upper class. It's a slap of reality that may or may not work depending on who you speak to. It's not for those who have poor health or who are already struggling and in poverty. It's for those with "cushions" and trust funds. Fair enough. Let them tough it out so they can "relate." But do they truly "get it"? Do they really get a glimpse of reality or are some just "slummin' it" and then moving on? Are they really more able to see our humanity? Who knows. All I know is that this program has been around for decades and it has had millions of volunteers willing to live a year or 2 in poverty. Maybe it's a start. Maybe it's not.

The things is...you can't just "try on" poverty. Sometimes it seeps into your bones...your DNA. Your spirit. It can even take your life. Most of the people I know are struggling. Struggling to hold on to housing or a job. Struggling to keep, keepin' on in this world in a system that simply is not sustainable. 

So - do we just stick to our corner and refuse to help others. Do we perpetuate a poverty consciousness, believing that we can't possibly give when we have so little? Do we stay distracted by chasing paper and buying into an American nightmare that we can't wake up from?

What would our ancestors have done?  

Hoarding isn't a solution to poverty. Hiding your head in the sand isn't a solution either. We need to address this from many sides (and simultaneously). And, it's not just about compassion and caring for others anymore or doing the right thing. We won't survive if we don't all get involved in this. It is so crucial that we continue to create our own solutions and support each other and learn from each other along the way. The government is slashing spending on health and human services. We can't depend on it so we might as well start to learn how to depend on each other.

Instead of complaining or feeling defeated, let's come up with some solutions for our communities...do you have some? I bet you've thought about this...leave some comments. Let's have some dialogue. Or maybe you can find a friend, colleague or community member to discuss solutions with. However the conversation gets had.

Surviving

I've been thinking a lot about the collective queer brown experience. Of course we all have our individual experiences, but the majority of us have similar experiences with discrimination because of our skin color. It's an unfortunate common thread. I've been thinking a lot about how brown, queer voices are rarely heard. We've got few zines and magazines, papers, youtube videos. We have more than we did, but it's still such a small percentage of what's out there. 

I was talking to a friend of mine about how I wanted to locate more magazines and zines with transwomen represented. Especially brown transwomen. And it dawned on me...well, had been dawning on me for the last couple weeks now- brown womyn and men/transmen don't have much literature and art out there because we are too damn busy trying to survive. We are trying not to be the next statistic. There aren't a whole lot of mentors because we've lost so many in the struggle. Every week, more and more. The importance of our existence is questioned every moment. So yea- there are a lot of stealth brown transfolks and closeted queers because life is difficult and even moreso when you're out. It's dangerous to be out, and if you're publishing magazines and zines and highly visible...that's an issue (pun intended).

Why would we opt to have our own community turn its back on us? Why give up the only family we have? It's not so easy for folks who aren't in metropolitan cities to forsake everything for the "queer bubble". Lots of us don't have queer bubbles ...don't have access to those spaces in metropolitan cities. It's rough. It's not just rough, it's jagged. And queers living in those spaces need to realize that it's a privilege that not everyone is privy to.

So many of us are underemployed or unemployed because of these multiple layers. I know for a fact that I am unemployed because of my gender presentation and skin color here in the south. I am queer. A dress is not going to change that. I can't bleach my skin. So I am screwed. I go in to these all white non-profits who are helping brown folks, but won't hire brown folks (accept for the usual tokens to translate for the "natives")...it's disgusting. It's infuriating. 

I'm tired of being othered. And if there are any brown folks out there that think you are playing the game right...that you finally got your propers from the white man and the system. Think again. There is no 100% assimilation. As soon as you mention something about your culture or a value other than the "dominant" value---white values--your days are numbered. Now you are "just like the rest of them". Rest of US.

Don't pass your judgement on  brown, queers who are going into sex work and the informal economy to survive. We aren't some hipsters who are "renouncing" mommy and daddy's paychecks and trust funds to "rough it" or grow a conscience Americorps style...we are trying to survive! We didn't CHOOSE this. It's not a CHOICE.  We didn't wake up and say...hey I want to waste my money on an education or...hey I want to be poor today-I just want to get a taste of what it's like to not be privileged.

 I have NO insurance. NO public assistance. I'm staying with family...I'm barely making ends meet. I'm educated- but not many care about that in this economy. People are getting preference for those few jobs available...and those people are most likely not brown and queer.

When I did research on discrimination in institutions and the effect on the workforce and clients, I found out something astounding. Well, not that astounding for us brown folks, really. There really isn't anything in place to keep HR from discriminating during the hiring process. Not really. They can say you weren't hired for many other reasons and not have to admit that they are racist or homophobic. In fact, many  HR folks are in fact racist and homophobic. There are studies. Yes, the same folks who are supposed to be coming up with diversity trainings. HA! It'd be funny if it wasn't keeping so many brown folks unemployed. It'd be funny if people were actually able to feed themselves and their families despite the discrimination.

Sigh.

Go to this poem (a video) for more about how I feel trying to survive as a brown, genderqueer.

Genderqueer Job Applicants or Cross Dressing for a Career

Folks, today I am 2 steps closer to a respectable career doing something that will pay some bills, somewhere. I, Toi, after months of looking for jobs across the nation- ok, in three or four states... have now advanced my job applicant status and possibly furthered myself to a third interview by...

get this...

purchasing a suit. And not just any suit my friends. This suit was purchased...
in the women's department of JCPenney by a beneficent benefactor who told me in not so many words that it would lead to actual success during my interviews. And I don't doubt it. Recruiters (in the South,especially) want to see you match your clothes to your proposed gender. Psshh...I'm not into "matchy matchy."

My mother and two aunts have asked me in the last month...what do you wear to your interviews? Well, a nice pair of (men's) pants, a (men's) dress shirt...(and sometimes a tie). Oh! And my natural hair, suitably tamed for their viewing pleasure. (Wouldn't want to be too "ethnic").
No...no...no...apparently this is all wrong if I want to actually support myself this lifetime. I've got to fool them my mother implied. She said...just wear this to the interview and who cares what I wear after I get hired. Hmm...Granted, this has definitely worked for me before- though I didn't exactly plan it that way. In corporate america I just got so tired of wearing these femme clothes because that's what was designated in the "girl's dress code". I started to feel really weird wearing these feminine clothes for 8-10 hours and then coming home only to rip them off and throw on basketball shorts and a muscle tee. (flexes, grin) Yea. That's what I said.

So ...there I was in the ladies section of JC Penney...not "doing it right". (Is that even still there slogan? anyway...) . I felt mad weird. My mother says..."What size are you?" I give her a "No you didn't" look...and she assumed somewhere between a 6 and 8. Actually she said my butt was probably an 8...(blank stare). Soooo I grab the first andro-looking 6 that I saw after wading through some truly horrifying women-ly outfits designed for some stuffed-shirt dinner party and made a dash for the dressing room praying that this thing would a)not make me look too feminine and b) fit, so we could get the heck out of dodge.

So, there I am standing in the dressing room with my corn rows and nicely flattened chest under my undershirt and some men's boxer briefs...slinking into this women's business suit and delicately zipping with this ridiculously small zipper on the side of the pants. And my mind drifts off to that Office episode where the manager is wearing a lady's business suit. Yes, that's one of my favorite episodes. And then there I am...it fit. I was elated. My flat chest was accentuated by the ridiculous women's cut they put on the chest of these suits to ...lift the breasts? Show 'em off? I have no idea. It did a bad job.

So I saunter out to my mother who is waiting to assess...and she says it looks good...and says it's not too "girly". I look straight at my flattened chest and say "yea...well I don't like that women's suits have this cut right here to accentuate the boobs I don't have." My mom shrugs...I go back in the dressing room to strip out of this clown suit that is going to be my ticket to some career somewhere...and juuuuuuuuuust as I'm snapping a picture in this outfit to send to my boo thang...*trying to look as masculine as possible *ahem*... my mother comes with another friggin women's suit that I have to try on for some person  I'll be sitting down with at some point who can't accept my gender expression. Great. So, I try it on...pants are too baggy...blahblah we buy the other pin striped andro-ish suit which makes me look like a negative AAA cup. Yea. That's not going to draw attention at all...

So, fellow andro and genderqueer folks...I'm going to say that it's imperative for us to start making some andro suits with neither a male or female cut.  I got close today but I'm afraid the chest area is a fail. Sigh. In my head I'm picturing the perfect vest and slacks and I'm looking so dapper accepting my next job.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm super appreciative of my mother's support. She's only telling me like it is. Basically, that these southerners don't want anyone who looks odd or queer gracing their halls if they can help it. Yeah, I know that it's not just the south...

And now I'm sitting here thinking that even if some of the LGB constituents of the employment discrimination policy (ENDA) hadn't thrown us gender non-conformists under the bus not too long ago, that recruiters would have still been able to discriminate by not letting us through to the next interview. Who can prove that you weren't hired because of what you're wearing (and even if you could, would they agree that it should be legal to discriminate based on an outfit?) Who can prove that it was your gender expression that kept you from being hired or promoted? It's all "conjecture". But even my mom knows that it's a factor in me not finding employment and a facilitator to me going to some job some place and being hired by someone.

Sigh. I know that some of you are thinking... well of course you've got to dress differently to get a job, we all do. But, I want to stress that I am having to cross dress. It's not that I want to wear sweats or booty shorts (see *Awkward Black Girl). I want to express my gender in the way that I feel comfortable and I'm not able to. Me wearing a woman's suit is certainly going to make me feel a tad uncomfortable during my interview. Shake it off, you say. But you men out there...how would you feel doing an interview in panty hose and lipstick and maybe a nice little skirt suit? Yea, awkward. I know that there are so many trans and gender non-conforming folks out there at their jobs feeling really,really awkward because they are not able to express their true gender. It can really make someone feel helpless and defeated. A lot of us accept jobs where we can feel comfortable but don't get paid nearly what we're worth and others of us can't get a job at all because they can't "pass" as their true gender or fall somewhere in between. I just want people to realize that this happens frequently and urge people not to be so harsh in their judgment against trans folks who want to get surgery and "pass". We just want to be who we are...this policing of our gender has to stop in all arenas.

 NO!!

Yezzzir!

Throwing Stones at the windows of the Ivory Tower (and bringing knowledge to the People for $Free.99)

So most of us already know how exclusionary and exclusive academics can be. The rise of the piece of paper..I mean...degree or diploma and its importance to our very existence in the economic sector...or whatever. The way that we are denied a chance to thrive because of our lack of this credential...or whatever. No- I'm not saying that we need that piece of paper. I'm just saying that without it-- it sure is hard to be "middle class." No matter what the majority of Americans think they are. If you are struggling from paycheck to paycheck and in debt up to your eyeballs and trying to keep up a veneer to keep up with the Joneses then, baby, you ain't middle class. You know, I've been thinking a lot about education and how it can exclude you from your community. Especially if you come from a black community or a mixed community of, say, latinos, whites, blacks, and asians. As soon as you get to high school it's like you start working your way out of the community with your good grades. Athleticism is fine. You know, us people of color are expected to be track stars and football stars and basketball stars. In my little po-dunk town, brown people were held to the lowest of expectations when it came to academics. White teachers were shocked and surprised when I could form a coherent sentence and knew how to read way before elementary school. Yea, I have a lot of ideas on that --now that I've processed my educational experience. I used to think that they thought I was intelligent and never really read into it. Now I think they were patronizing. I think that their shock wasn't how I read it at all. They were proud of me for being brown and having a brain---not like the other brown people. Ugh. Process that. No wonder brown people hated me. Why did I get attention? I didn't want the attention. In fact, I was bored in class and talked and made animal noises and started food fights in biology labs. I had a permanent seat outside of most of my classes. They tolerated me, though. They knew that come test time I'd get an A. That was a jerk move I did---disrupting others who might have needed those boring lectures. But..well, on the other hand I kept them entertained and helped them with their homework and papers if they needed it. Hell, I even wrote papers for people if they paid me $15. Yep...that's right. I was a hustler. Nay, hustla. My mom always wondered how I had money...I wrote papers for people. $10 for a B, $15 for an A. Psshhh academic integrity--whatever. They were feeding us bullsh* in MISD. Where was THEIR integrity?

Which brings me back to the discussion at hand. Elitism---academia. There have been many movements to bring knowledge to the people for free. Now this knowledge is intermingled with what is called "local knowledge," (That knowledge from the community that comes from elders and members of expertise--or who just know sh*!! Pardon my language).  You know- I am a firm believer that any knowledge should be accessible. Academic, Spiritual...whatever. There should be no policing or gatekeeping. A person is going to do with it what they can. And you should NOT be charging for it. So academic institutions will say, but we have overhead---we have to pay these teachers, run this school. Psh whatever. Our ancestors did that stuff for free. They bartered. Traded sheep and let people use their land, or exchanged other resources. We need to go back to that. I am down wholeheartedly with the skillshares that have been happening throughout NYC, California, and Texas. The Free Skools that I see popping up in metropolitan cities with numerous universities. Academics and organizers who are coming together to bring knowledge to the people...

Who? What? Where? You say...
Well, there's The Free Skool in Austin. Here in New York City-at my very own (soon to be) alma mater Sarah Lawrence there are free classes given to staff and our food delivery workers,etc. There are also the skillshares done by Quorum and the Audre Lorde Project. There are also schools like this located across the nation and in other countries, see Chiapas, Mexico's school for the indigenous community.

I want a part in the passing around of both local and academic knowledge. It has been exclusionary for long enough.  More on this later...I just wanted to get this posted since it's been sitting in my "Edit Posts" section for a couple weeks now!