A Note on my perceived anger and bitterness. Silence, Release, Conviction and Standing in my Power

After a note from a friend, I decided to respond to a woman who sent me an email through my website. At first I wasn't going to write back because of the tone and level of assumption, but then after reflection and a chat with my friend about comunity to write back. Usually I wouldn't think it necessary to address a person's assumptions about me, but I felt it a good exercise for my future as a writer who writes about issues that may make me seem "angry" and "bitter" to many folks. I feel many of us bloggers, journalists, writers and artists who use our work as a form of expression come into contact with folks who might misunderstand our work or who may write us off because of their perceptions of us. 

There are a lot of assumptions made about writers based on the tone of articles. I'd like to challenge folks to be mindful of your assumptions and expectations. A few articles and your perceptions on who that person must be does not allow for the reality of who that person actually is. We shouldn't be so quick to write someone off or assume that they are "just angry". I am glad that she wrote me though because in writing her back, I felt self-affirmation of who I am and what I'm here to do and how I'm here to do it.


M's email:

" Hey Doll, I think you are so cute but why are you so angry.I really think living in Texas would make anyone bitter.I am a Certified Herbalist,have been since 2011.I am also a Certfied Personal Trainer and soon to be Raw Chef.Adopting this lifestyle has made me a lot calmer.As a black woman I know of the pain and suffering my people had to go through.It's time to let go.It's HISTORTY not our FUTURE.Let's heal ourselves mentally...Be safe and Take care...I would love to make a donation to your site... M"

My Note back:


"Hi M...,


Thanks for taking the time to reach out. At first I was hurt by words I'd never expect to see from a person in our community...words that confirmed the stereotype of being an "angry black person." But then, I sat in reflection and thought about the fact that you may not have read many of my other writings where I talk about healing, community, and empowerment. I also thought about the fact that you may not have read about my own personal healing journey and the fact that you don't know about my committment to a plant-based diet.

I have spent much time working on ancestral healing and understanding my history and my place as an organizer within marginalized communities. There is much trauma in our communities and I believe that the mere act of letting go is not enough. Though it is key, there is much to work through spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically. There are patterns deep in our DNA that we must work through and release, as you've expressed. We also need to understand systems of oppression and the ways they affect us physiologically, emotionally and psychologically and what we must do to heal internally from external oppression and childhood and ancestral trauma.

Writing is a form of healing for me and I write with conviction. Some of my writing is fiery and some is soothing. I've reflected on some folks' reaction to my writing, and I believe that a lot of it is rooted in how we have been socialized to speak (or not speak) about our oppression. If we do decide to speak about it, we must sugar coat it- so as to attract bees with honey. Dr. King didn't do this. Malcolm X and the Panthers didn't do this. Gandhi and Mandela didn't do this. We have to be real and speak our Truth, regardless of what others may think of us. Many white folks and even our own people thought that the leaders I mentioned were angry and bitter and disturbing the peace. Maybe even rocking the boat.

Despite what some may think or assume, I am not a person brimming with anger. I am a person who sits in meditation and goes to annual silent retreats. I am a person who sits with plants and trees and spends time cultivating inner peace. I am a mediator, I believe in non-violence and peace activism (and understand the need for other tactics). I am a child of Obbatala and Oshun. I'm also a person who was voiceless for many years, like many other female-bodied people of color. Part of this letting go that you speak of, for me, is the healing inherent in writing the Truth and speaking out, which culminates in taking action against injustice. There is no liberation in suffering in silence. Audre Lorde speaks about that. Sometimes the "letting go" folks speak about really has to do with not holding space for the expression of our anger or sadness caused by violence committed against us. And this is disempowering and damaging. Lorde said that this silence will not protect us. This idea of not acknowledging what systems are externally causing us pain and being expected to just release emotions tied to our oppression seems anti-liberatory.

I believe there is a place for anger (and sadness). Thich Nhat Hanh talks about this. Many spiritual leaders have. Anger can move us to action, as long as we don't remain in this state for prolonged periods. It can consume and destroy us if we do so. But we can't remain in a state of bliss either. As with anything, there must be balance. We can choose how to channel our emotions toward liberation.

Thank you for your email which has caused me to really reflect on others perceptions, and in doing so, remain firm in my convictions about the work I'm here to do and the ways I do it: with compassion, conviction, and unapologetically- all the while hoping for, and taking action to co-create the healing of our communities.


Healing and Wisdom,

Toi "

Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ Part 2

Guess what...

Genderqueer Files: La Qolectiv@ Part 2:
The Group Journey
is available now!

Know some awesome folks who may want to bring in the New Year with a story about some rad, brown queers reclaiming and resisting? Not only will you be providing them with some awesome entertainment, but you'll also be helping in funding the making of this into a full-length book and helping to sustain the author.

*You can get a $5.00 discount off the combined amount of Part 1 and 2 by using this code: JOURNEY2014.
*If you've already bought Part 1, you can message me for a separate discount code!

You can buy Part 1 and 2 at my online store:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/afrogenderqueer

They will only be available for a limited time before I go back to the lab to make edits and emerge with the novella!

Read more about Part 1 and 2 here:
http://www.afrogenderqueer.com/#!genderqueerfiles/c160u

Please don't hesitate to message me about sliding scale discounts if you are experiencing economic hardship.

Thanks everyone! And as you think of holiday gifts please keep supporting art written by and centering the experience of queer and trans folks of color! It's just one way to confront the growing disparities that we face.

Healing and Solidarity,

Toi

AGQ

Philosophactivist

Words from the Pacific Northwest

Portland...

"So...I woke up this morning and made an agreement with myself to no longer engage with white supremacy in any of its forms. No more benefits of the doubt, no more ally training, no more internalizing racist bullsh or second guessing microaggressions. No more just dealing with it because 'that's the way things are'.

This illness that I carry in my body is a direct affect of all the silencing, all the repression, the smoldering of embers lit when Mami Wata begrudgingly saw her children abducted and carried to foreign shores.

I now pray for the wrecklessness of Olokun...the unharnessed strength of Oya....the unapologetic destruction of the warriors...I pray for the might of Chango. I pray to climb the bark of this ancestral tree up to the branches of the spirit world. Orun. And stare down, vision unobstructed, with the eyes of Olodumare to see the Ase connecting, surging through us all.

And then to climb back down to this realm never to again be affected by illusion/delusion again. All I'd see is Osun's golden honey-harmony. Wrap myself in Yemaya's sweet, sweet 7 skirts of liquid, cerulean peace. And walk in whites with Obatala seeking crystalline clarity. Unbridled understanding. Observing with Orunmila the constellations of coco and cowrie from beyond telling me that...it is time. We are strong. They are listening. Are we? The shells whisper: Now. now. now."

                                     ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue...

Dear Portland, I.just.can't. The microaggressions and "black presence" and "south asian presence" at stores were egregious. From the mascotization* of blacks to the vintage book cover about a nazi cult adjacent to the book cover of a book about a brothel in Tokyo to the snake skin shirt (surrounded by other asian artifacts)with the explanation that 2013 is the year of the snake...I am truly speechless. You hipsters have truly lost your everloving mind. I was agitated after 2 hours and I almost ran out of the co-op screaming. Almost every interaction was a microaggression. So thanks for that. We are making a zine of the microaggressions we've experienced throughout the tour and probably half of them so far have come from Portland.

Here are just a few gems:

• Hip Hop music playing (Snoop- Drop it like it's hot) in (white) artist collective house/crafty arty nic nac store
• Strip of profile shots of black men with different haircuts on two walls in a very white bar/cafe

*and random pictures of black or indigenous people (just because they miss us so much after gentrifying)

• white woman in "vintage" store talks to us about how in Portland it is "easier" than New Orleans because their's less racial tension and you can get to everything by foot.

      -bonus gems: the nazi cult novel book cover and the book cover of the     novel about a brothel in Tokyo side by side (but that's not racist..it's campy!)

• A painting of a native american chief standing by someone from his tribe pointing out to a steamboat of colonizers like..'oh yay! we're saved' but I would have liked to spray paint a thought bubble saying 'there goes the neighborhood!'

• Racist store names, menu items, party/show fliers<<which we found throughout the tour

• Bill Cosby as some kind of a mascot for this hipster store...??

So yea, folks. The whiteness is so stifling in some of the areas we spent time in. I joked that it's probably what the Virginia settlements were like...the perfect white male paradise. (Except when those damn savages would want their land back!) 

Seattle tomorrow and it honestly can't come any faster. No really it can't. You have no idea!

(ps- we may or may not have had the show at this very store...but the event was actually pretty chill)


Hilarious photo montage entitled 'brown people not amused with uberwhitehipster town'

Want to know more about Portland and Racism? Here are some links a friend forwarded me:


Yet Another Racist Derailment at Portland Q CenterMore Racist Derailment at Portland Q Center
Racist White Supremacist Terrorism in Portland
Brown in PDX
And here's info about a rad zine by women of color in Portland:http://wocpdxzines.com/2013/01/27/women-of-color-zine-collective-4/


Seattle

"Seattle was a true surprise. The coffee shop (Black Coffee Co-op) was paaaacked (standing room only) and folks gave so much in donations and really supported by buying our zines and books. I read my piece 'Frankly Not about Food Forests' since everyone in the nation is taking their cues from the Beacon Food Forest there and I read what I wrote about my past job's current ideas on food sovereignty and my divestment from engaging with white supremacy and my prayer to the orishas. 

People really appreciated my candidness and (white folks) didn't ask me to educate them on any of the points. They didn't try to convince me about food forests and were happy to sit with being uncomfortable with my directness and Truth. They even told me they were fine with not getting half my references to Ifá 
 and the orishas because it WASN'T FOR/ABOUT THEM. So take heed white do-gooder/liberal/progressive/radical Austinites!!

So many folks came up to us to thank us for being there and reading. This was a great end to the tour for me. POC Zine Project will push on through the midwest, east and back down south but I will be back home this weekend to process all that I've seen and incorporate it into all that I'm becoming."

 Above Photo: Daniela Capistrano, Nyky Gomez, Anna Vo, Toi Scott, Nia King, Cristy Road

Words from the West

Saturday 10/19/13

In San Francisco I was called to read my pieces- 'The Master's Tools' and 'Visionaries don't need to dream'. I also read my poem Survivin' and my piece 'My Healing Story'. A friend recommended the last two and it was just what needed to happen, even though she wasn't there.

I needed to read about how we can't use the master's tools to dismantle the master's house, I needed to read about our internalized oppression and why we are not "progressing" as a people though the dominant culture wants us to believe that we are. I needed to read about what visionary organizing looks like and how our internalized oppression makes us turn on each other and not trust the radicals and visionaries that are here to co-heal with us and return us to our rightful place as the descendants of kings and queens, spiritual royalty.

I needed to talk about how we needed to heal. I also needed to read my story about being diagnosed with lupus and my battle to be heard and to find holistic care. I needed to get it out even though it was a little difficult baring my emotional and spiritual scars and being raw in front of folks I didn't know.

But...that's why I started reading my poetry out loud so many years ago, in the first place. It's kind of like that term "speak truth to power". I felt myself healing and regaining power over my story as I told it. In talking about my illness, I opened the storybook for all those who share it and I invited people to take a look at their chapters.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue...

10/16/2013

Los Angeles was a challenge. Emotionally. I'll explain more after I've processed. USC's QPOC group was so amazing. We were so tired after driving from AZ and their spirit breathed new life into us. We were recharged upon meeting them. As two tour members and I picked beautiful flowers around campus for the altar, I was truly happy to be there. I knew that we were appreciated and I wanted to honor this. I recruited the two tour members to read some monologues from Genderqueer Files and the audience liked it and thoroughly enjoyed everyone's pieces.

10/17/13

UCLA stood in stark contrast. We performed in a meeting space in the library and it was just more "official" feeling. There were less POC in the space. The vibe was different. I was happy to run into a good friend that I'd met years ago in NYC at an Audre Lorde Project community organizer training (Daring to Be Powerful- check it out if you're in the area). The organizers of the show booked it the same time as another POC event and to be in solidarity, some of the tour members walked over to the event with a few folks from our event. I'm not sure how effective that was but...at least something was done, I guess. 

To be honest, my memories of LA are foggy because of breakdowns in communication, hostility, and just an overall feeling of discomfort as interpersonal conflict escalated on this particular part of the tour. I was fortunate to get a break from all this and to ground myself and drive up the coast on the 1 with someone I trust and respect. 

When we got to Oakland we went to queer qumbia and in the morning we had brunch with some of my fav people from when I lived briefly in the Bay. It really restored my faith in brown community. Sometimes the microcosm of the macrocosm- femmephobia, transphobia, internalized racism, colorism, anti-blackness, xenophobia,etc. can be even worst in our little brown bubbles where we seek asylum. Sometimes solidarity isn't so solid or solidifying. There are still tokens and problematic dynamics as we try very hard to "decolonize" and de-assimilate. As soon as I have time to process...I'll write more.

Notes from the South/West

Indigenous People's Day (October 14th)- Tucson, AZ

This morning, I sat in the golden rays of the Arizona sun praying for healing of ancestral wounds and for continued guidance on this path I'm on. Though today is a day for mourning of the violence and genocide against my indigenous ancestors' whose names I'll probably never know, it is also a day of reflection on our innate power and connection to that energy that is the essence of all that has made sure that we as a People survive. We are not less than. We are not weak...we are not broken. We are beautiful spirits that need only realize the rich soil and strong roots from which we come from. And as black and brown people who share many of the same roots, it's important for us to learn about our suppressed histories together. That's the message I got in deep prayer and meditation today. No one can be liberated while anyone is subjugated or exploited. No one can live with ease while others suffer. And we cannot know our own complete histories without acknowledging those of our brothers and sisters We cannot be whole without realizing we are only a part of the whole. A drop in the sea.

October 15th- Tucson, AZ

What an amazing day. Spent some quality time taking a stroll through downtown Tucson with OG zinester (we're talkin 90s punk predecessor) Mimi Nguyen- creator of Slander, the Race Riot series, The Gift of Freedom, and other writings. We saw this ironic, gem of a billboard that said "You belong here." With some light-skinned Latino man. Ummmmm?

We moseyed to Antigone, a feminist radical bookstore, with huge lesbian and gay fiction sections and an indigenous spirituality section with white shaman authors. Womp womp. We ate delicious Ethiopian food at a place called Cafe Desta with some of the dope collective members of MalintZine. Performed with Anna Vo (Author of Fix My Head) and Nykky Gomez (Founder of Brown Recluse Zine Distro and author of Skinned Heart zine) at Skrappy's Youth Collective. (How awesome is that? A space for youth!) There were sooo many rad black and brown folks that attended. I read a piece on Black and Brown Solidarity and organizing for immigrant rights , some poems on my heritage and "For the Descendants of the Freedom Fighters and Riders" and a piece entitled "The Master's Tools". Tucson has really felt like a home away from home.

October 17th- Los Angeles, CA

Watching the sun rise over LA from a cliff in Echo Park I am realizing that I needed this tour more than I could ever know. Already I am inspired to do and be so much more. And this is more than an opportunity...it IS the Path. Sometimes we spend so much time looking for it or trying to walk on it and it's already here. We're walking it- no- we actually ARE the path. I not only embody the tears, pain, and joy of my ancestors but I also embody all that they ever wanted for themselves and their descendants. I am the inner peace that I've sought since childhood. I already have the freedom I've been searching for.   

As the sun comes up over the mountains, our ancestors, I see in the amber dawn my own inner transformation - all that I am experiencing on this trip. My own dawning. I know that I can never return as the person who walked onto this trailer/tour bus- overpacked, slightly burnt out with organizing and white folks tokenizing, and transitioning through the next steps of this so-called adult life. I'm nearing the end of this transition with a new take on purpose and new inspiration from the others on this trip/that we encounter on this trip who share many of my ideals. People I never dreamed could exist, let alone all be on the same bus together co-creating radical safe spaces for brown folks and dialogue, city to city.

In one week it's even clearer to me now that there are certain things I'm here to do (in Life). I can't be distracted by society's expectations for me or people's projections or insecurities. I know who I am and that I'm capable of more than I ever could have imagined. I will no longer subject myself to limitations from myself or others.  I have to live my life in alignment with my ancestors' deepest aspirations- and I guarantee it wasn't to assimilate into white supremacist, homo/transphobic, sexist, ableist ideals. It wasn't to perpetuate the "othering" of whole communities or to turn my back on those who are suffering while others live in excess. 

In all honesty I don't care about the "1%". I'm tired of talking about white privilege and whiteness but unfortunately, in this world we have to care because until we come together in solidarity and actually decide we will no longer abide by racist/homophobic/sexist/ableist laws, policies, and societal standards- until we decide to create brand new systems and paradigms- we must continue to mind our p's and q's and "shuck and jive" for our own survival.   

You know what the sunrise taught me? It taught me that there is a such thing as a beautiful, silent (but not as in voiceless), burning resistance. It is patient and persistent. Assertive. Omnipresent. Though we think the sun has set or disappeared, it's still there, burning with the same intensity...ready for the next upRise. Like clockwork. We, as a people, should take notes from the Sun.

Race Riot! POC Zine Project Tour

Well folks-

I'm having an amazing time on the Race Riot! Tour. I don't have instagram and I barely use tumblr or twitter so I'm going to try and document a little bit here with other peeps' photos. So, photo credit to all the coordinators with awesome cameras and social media prowess.

I hopped onto the tour in Austin after the kickoff in New Orleans and a few events in Houston and College Station.

Puro Chingon Collective hosts us in Austin, TX

Our Altar 

 

Me reading a piece about "Food Forests" historical racism and the displacement of POC in Austin

More Photos HERE.

Albuquerque, New Mexico

 Above: Me, Jodi, Anna Vo, and Chula Doula/Pati Garcia
Tabling at the Tannex

 Me reading "The Thing about Poverty" and "Post-Racial Who?" from Notes from an Afro-Genderqueer 2

On the way to Tucson...

    Anna Vo and I play Afro-Speed with Afro-centric playing cards. 

Driving through Texas took forever and a day and we experienced much racism during the few stops we took. I can't say I felt much pride in my state. But then, there are very few moments when I do anyway.

The first morning in New Mexico a white man in a huge red truck saw me from the highway access road and turned in as he saw me walking through the motel parking lot to our trailer. He knocked on the door and another tour member answered since I was in the back and he said..

"I know this might seem crazy but the Lord gave me a message for you..."

And they slammed the door on the man. I can't help but think about how many times this is how people get assaulted, kidnapped, etc. We beefed up on security a bit (asking our driver to defend us with some of her top secret weaponry) and headed out to Albuquerque.
I can't believe how cold it gets at night.

The Tannex hosted us and it's a really rad space with a zine library. The local performers were amazing. Waylaid was a percussion-y-zapateando-y-singing/poetry trio experience. Then this badass chicana feminist from the border took the stage and just lit it on fire with her poems. Her name's Jessica Helen Lopez and she is the founder of La Palabra- The Word is a Woman, a female writer's collective that celebrates and empowers femininity through creative endeavors. She's also author of the book of poetry "Always Messing with them Boys" (on West End Press) which we had the pleasure of hearing her read from.

Anna Vo read from her Fix My Head zines and Chula Doula let us in on the literature (Hot Pants, Radical Doula and Freeing Ourselves) she's selling for different groups/organizations. Last up was the founder of the Tannex and the Albuquerque Zine Fest, Marya Errin Jones, who read from her zine about the first black female pilot-Bessie Coleman.

What an honor to be a witness to the performers in Albuquerque. We just got into Tucson late last night with no qualms at checkpoints. We avoided I-10 like the plague and here we are after a frosty night, basking in the sun and catching up on our blogging/writing/rest. We have 2-3 events here in Tucson and then we're off to L.A. next week!

Stay tuned for more...

and find out more about our tour dates here.

Food Justice Part 2: Queering Food Justice

If you’re a person of color with a low income it’s important for you to know that conversations about your ability to access foods, yes, conversations about your very well-being are happening behind your back.  Even if you make a living wage, you might want to know that here in Austin (and in many other metropolitan and even rural cities), policy affecting your community’s food sovereignty is being shaped largely without your input or consent.

Basically, our community , considered the “target population” of many mainstream “food movement” efforts has had little say in if we’d like farmer’s markets, supermarkets, community gardens and access to the knowledge and skills that will help us sustain ourselves.

I’m not saying we’ve never been asked. I’m saying that it’s rare. There are a lot of “allies” who tend to want to take the lead in this movement. They think they have the solutions and know what we want and need. The problem with this is- the food movement operates under a few hurtful assumptions. Some are completely detrimental to the way we view ourselves as a community and as a People. Some are damaging to how we see our identity.

So why is this important to us as QPOC? Because a large percentage of us have a lower socioeconomic status and are therefore more likely to be food insecure. Where we sit at the intersections of race, gender, class and sexuality makes us highly vulnerable and subject to the policing of our food and economic system. Our lack of resources, especially TIME, allows for outsiders (and sometimes even well-meaning allies) to come in and make decisions FOR us- maybe even AS us- based on their assumptions and their own personal beliefs about what will make our community better. Many of these solutions are not culturally appropriate or relevant. Since colonization those in power have been operating under a “one size fits all” model complete with assumed assimilation.  We are being recolonized.

It’s hard to stay on top of decolonizing the various systems that wreak havoc on our communities. How are we supposed to do this when we’re barely surviving? We have to get back to the old ways- the ways of our ancestors. We have to support each other in ways that are sustainable to our own families and communities. It’s time to get back to community kitchens where neighborhoods come together and cook for/eat with each other. It’s time to pay ourselves for growing our own food. It’s time to establish our own black and brown-owned cooperatives where we decide what goods belong in those stores while creating our own jobs and opportunities. No, this isn’t new- it was taken from us. Then denied and withheld from us.

In the colonizer’s model and their capitalism we POC are to continue to have less and less resources yet devote more and more time to supporting these very broken systems that don’t benefit us. All the while we assimilate, losing ties to our cultures while decimating the environment and surrendering our emotional, social and spiritual well-being.

So how do we resist? No..how do we do *more than resist?

Depending on our skills and resources- this may look like you as a single parent feeding healthy food to your children. Yes, this is radical! This may look like participating in healthy potlucks with a group of friends. It’s bartering your services. It’s establishing collectives and co-operatives and therefore creating an alternative economy in which money continues to circulate within our community.  It’s demanding policy change that deters development that displaces our community and exacerbates food deserts. It’s demanding fair wages and supporting black and brown business owners. There are so many ways we can resist and co-create change.

Transformation is occurring as you read this. The revolution is already under way. There are people like Toni Tipton-Martin, founding member of Foodways Texas and author of The Jemima Code, who are committed to reclaiming our foodways and celebrating our cultural and culinary heritage. There are organizations like Food for Black Thought who are committed to supporting local grassroots efforts in black and brown communities in organizing around food related issues in East Austin. There are also alliances forming in East Austin and in Dove Springs to co-create solutions for the lack of access to healthy and affordable foods.

There are also efforts happening across the nation. (And across the world for that matter). Check out efforts in the East Bay like People's Grocery, the Mandela Food Cooperative, Phat Beets Produce, the Oakland Food Connection. There are efforts in Detroit like the Black Community Food Security Network, D-town Farms, and the Ujamaa cooperative food buying club. Will Allen's Growing Power, Inc. urban farms are located in Madison, Milwaukee, and Chicago. In NYC there are Just Food, Farming Concrete, La Familia Verde Garden Coalition, and Black Urban Growers. These are just a small number of the community efforts for food justice led by people of color.

As QPOC living at the intersections we should be aware of what is happening to address access to food because issues of food insecurity affect everyone, whether we want to believe it or not. What can we do as a community to assist in the transformation of our food system? What can we do as a community to better our economic situation? Let’s share some food and exchange some dialogue. We already have the answers.